


All I've Ever Known (Is How To Hold My Own)

by Literallyliterary



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Asexual Character, Bad Parenting, Bisexuality, Canon-Typical Prejudice, Consensual Underage Sex, Draco and Pansy's Angst Fest 2k18, Eating Disorders, F/F, F/M, Fat Shaming, General Shaming Really, Gratuitous Swearing, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mutual Pining, NaNoWriMo2018, Pansy is a Hot Mess, Sexual Harassment, Slut Shaming, Slytherins are Bi, Teenage Drama, They're bullies, Torture, Underage Drinking, bad Latin, you knew that coming in
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-02
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2019-08-14 15:15:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 30
Words: 57,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16495127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Literallyliterary/pseuds/Literallyliterary
Summary: Pansy Parkinson was having a really bad summer, and now she's sixteen so things aren't looking up.Features terrible Death Eater parenting, eating disorders, bisexual Slytherins, non graphic references self harm, slightly graphic references to torture, the Golden Trio looking a bit bad, consensual but underage sexual activity (they're both 16), creepy dudes, implied/past sexual harassment, and self inflicted dramatic haircuts. I'll add more tags if anything else comes up. Some of the tags are only briefly touched on, some are very important. Mind the tags and tread wisely.





	1. Prologue/Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Mind the tags!

All I’ve Ever Known (Is How to Hold My Own)

 

PROLOGUE

 

When she looks in the mirror and all she can see is cheekbone, hipbone, thigh gap. The dip in her collarbone, the hollow of her cheek and the perfect foot beneath the delicate curve of a slim ankle. When she can face her own eyes in the mirror and smile, she faces the world with a sneer. The sneer is a weapon, a tool, a bulletproof vest. The arch of her eyebrow is her sword and shield. On these days she’s unstoppable, a queen, the ruler of her corner of the world. She’s confident as only teenagers can be.

 

And then there are days when she looks in the mirror and sees only the softness of her stomach, the stretch marks small but bright silver marring her hips and breasts, spell resistant and permanent. Magic can only do so much, can only sooth the skin from further damage, and Madame Pomfrey tells her it’s a natural sign of growing up, that all skin stretches, and looks at her with pity and tells her to eat something. She doesn’t eat that day, or the next, or the next until dinner when a withering glare from the man of her dreams shames her into a handful of veg and a slice of a green apple, which earns her an eye roll but no further comment.

 

She goes to bed hungry every night after an excruciating routine of potions and spells and charms carefully curated to make her beautiful, a routine she doesn’t share with any of her dorm mates, not even Daphne. Her ice-cold beauty is a closely guarded secret, and Pansy Parkinson is nothing if not an expert in secrets.

 

Her infatuation with Draco Malfoy is no secret, but it’s also not entirely the truth. It’s a half-truth she allows others to see, makes her human, makes her unassuming. She’s constantly underestimated, ignored as just a pretty face. She lost track of how many secrets she has overheard at her father’s dinner parties just by sitting very still on chaises or sofas or laps, vacant expression on while ignoring wandering eyes and hands in favor of just listening, learning, and letting her stony heart grow harder.

 

Her vanity is no secret, but it’s also no lie. She is a beautiful young woman, or became a beautiful young woman after growing through some tough years. She heard every insult under the sun- pug face, cow, troll. She took the words and locked them away, knowing her day would come. Suddenly Pansy Parkinson is fifteen and she’s finally gorgeous and her long brown hair is flowing down her back in a sheen of perfect silk, but she grabs a clump of it and it comes apart in her manicured hands. It’s summer, she’s turning sixteen at midnight, and her life may be falling apart.

 

Sixth year is about to start and Pansy can’t stop looking in the mirror. Her skin is paler than ever, the dark circles under her eyes stand out more every day she fails to sleep. The gaunt, frozen beauty she’s been cultivating has turned harsh and wraithlike, and she knows it’s because she hasn’t eaten more than a few bites or slept more than a few minutes in almost a week, since she watched the man of her dreams tortured and branded. She rakes her hands through her hair again and more strands tangle themselves in her fingers. It’s falling out.

 

She comes to a decision and her hands act before her brain has enough time to catch up, and without consciously thinking about it a severing charm is being applied liberally to her hair. She chops it nearly all the way off, it’s now barely longer than her earlobes, shorter in the back than the front, coming to a dramatic point along her jawline. It’s longer on her right cheek than her left one, and she leaves it like that. It looks intentional, deliberate, in control, something she needs to start feeling before her parents or anyone notices she’s not.

 

One final touch.

 

From her purse she fishes out a bottle of a hair dye potion, guaranteed to be the longest lasting dye in the world, and the bottle is so black it’s almost blue and soon her hair is too. She spells it dry, shakes it out, finds her own eyes in the mirror again.

 

It’s perfect, she can hardly recognize the reflection in the ornate gold mirror. It’s a bold new imagining of Pansy Parkinson, and she’s never been more dangerous…or more herself.

 

\---

 

CHAPTER ONE

 

Pansy donned her perfectly pressed Slytherin robes and straightened the prefect badge on her chest. She had the house elves take the robes in tighter in the chest, making her breasts and the badge stand out, especially since she expected all eyes to be drawn upward with her fierce new haircut. She was still extremely thin, but her chest had filled out a little and she knew how good she looked. She looked down at the badge again and smiled, a genuine smile instead of her usual smirk.

 

She wouldn’t admit it, but she was genuinely smiling because she was genuinely proud. Not the sickly, bragging sort of proud, but the honest to goodness pride in herself that she had never really felt before. This wasn’t about being proud of her blood status, her looks, her family’s fame and fortune- this was about something she had earned. She was the one chosen of all her dorm mates to represent them. She was even chosen over Daphne Greengrass, the tiny, perfect little blonde wonder. Pansy liked Daphne the most out of all the other Slytherin sixth year girls (that wasn’t hard when her only other choices were Tracey and Millicent), but she still rolled her shoulders back and stood taller at the thought of finally doing something better than her.

 

Someone had seen something in her, an ability to lead or inspire, and she was going to prove herself. She was appointed as the best of the girls in her year, and she would prove herself worthy of the position. And she had been allowed to keep the badge even after the…unfortunate incident with the Inquisitorial Squad the year before. It wasn’t her fault that Umbridge had turned out to be an actual child-torturing troll. Pansy just thought it would be about detentions and points taking and more power over her classmates.

 

A soft knock on the door startled her, and Pansy let out a sharp sigh before demanding to know who was there.

 

Posy Parkinson, Pansy’s mother, let herself into the room. She walked in complete silence, even on the dark hardwood floors. She had perfect posture and a resting stare so cold it made everyone shiver unconsciously, even Pansy’s father. Pansy worshiped her mother.

 

“Yes, Mother? Is something the matter?”

 

“It’s nearly ten thirty, Pansy. It’s time to leave. Are your things packed? You know you can’t always trust a house elf to remember everything.”

 

“I double checked everything this morning. All of my clothes and schoolbooks are inside the trunk, and one of the elves took it to the fireplace. My schoolbag is packed with all of my potions and personals.”

 

Posy looked her daughter up and down, and the smallest frown crossed her brow before disappearing into blankness as quickly as it had come.

 

“Your robes are too tight, it’s making you look like a sausage about to burst out of its casing. Either loosen them or lose some weight, I won’t have you looking like some common harlot.”

 

Pansy looked down, and she felt her face get hot, “Yes mother, I’ll have an elf fix them right away.”

 

Posy nodded, then swept out of the room without looking behind her or making a single sound. Pansy watched her mother leave with a sinking feeling in her heart. Her mother had said nothing about her haircut, her birthday, or her prefect badge.

 

After collecting herself and adjusting her robes so they looked looser around her chest, Pansy hunched in on herself to make her breasts look smaller and went downstairs, stopping for a moment as she closed the door to look back at her room. She caught her own eyes in the large, ornate, gold framed mirror on the opposite wall, the mirror that had been her constant companion all summer long. She hardly recognized herself, and she loved it. Without thinking too hard or stopping to think about the consequences, Pansy drew her wand and fired off a powerful _Bombarda_ into the mirror, shattering it into a hundred million pieces. Each piece rang like crystal and pierced the silence of the manor home, every shard danced off the hardwood floor and settled among the fibers of the ancient, priceless Persian rug at the foot of her bed. A handful of shards landed at her feet, and Pansy picked one up, feeling the sharp edge against her palm. It stung and bit at her skin. _Good_. She slipped the shard into her robe pocket next to her wand. She laughed icily and slammed the door behind her, snapping for a house elf to start the clean up before her father could find the mess.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time to go home.

CHAPTER TWO

 

She could see Tracey Davis and Daphne Greengrass talking to their parents across the platform and quickly looked away. She had no desire to be stuck in a stuffy conversation about the various charity functions all of their mothers attended over the summer, hearing stories told as if these women didn’t have tea together several times a week. It was so superficial and dull. Pansy instead dragged her trunk over to one of the train cars and left it with a pile of other trunks and side stepped a gaggle of second year Hufflepuffs, sneering at them until they ran away gasping. Her eyes scanned the crowd until she found a familiar head of ice blonde hair. Draco.

Mentally prepping herself for having to see Lady Malfoy for the first time since that night earlier that month, she strode with purpose into the arms of her beloved Draco. She embraced him fully, arms thrown around his neck, face buried in his shoulder. She even popped her foot up behind her, making a huge show of being pleased to see him. It was expected of her.

“Draco darling, I’ve missed you terribly. I’m so thrilled to see you!” She simpered into his ear, making him flinch, but she caught a smile crossing his face before he shrugged her off. 

“Good morning, Pansy. Always a pleasure hearing your voice.” His voice was dripping in sarcasm, but Pansy giggled like she didn’t hear it. He looked horrible. His face was gaunt and ashy, his hair longer than he usually wore it and slightly greasy. His robes would have looked immaculate to any common passerby, but Pansy noticed immediately that they hung loose on his frame and were more wrinkled than any house elf would have allowed. He caught her eye and shook his head slightly before turning to his mother, “Mother, I’m sure you know Pansy Parkinson. Pansy, my mother Lady Narcissa Malfoy.”

Pansy started to curtsy slightly but was instead pulled into an unfamiliar embrace. Narcissa’s hands and lips were freezing as she grasped Pansy by the forearms and kissed her on each cheek. Ever the proper witch, Pansy returned the kiss without showing any sign of being startled. Narcissa didn’t let go of Pansy’s arms even as she leaned back.

“Of course I know the lovely Miss Parkinson, as one so close and important to my son. Your hair looks positively modern, how delightful! How is your mother, dear heart?”

“She’s very well, Lady Malfoy, she’s just across the way I think.”

Narcissa gripped Pansy’s arm harder, “Draco my love, why don’t you go secure a good compartment for you and Miss Parkinson. I won’t have either of you forced to share a compartment with some younger or…less desirable students. Grab her trunk, be a gentleman, and give me a kiss before you go. You will write every week, right my darling?”

“Of course, Mother, just as I do every year. Don’t keep Pansy too long, we have a lot to catch up on.” He leaned in and gave Narcissa a delicate but heartfelt kiss on the cheek before nodding tiredly at Pansy and turning to go. Pansy found herself being dragged by her arm in the direction of her parents, who were now in forced conversation with the Bulstrodes. But they only made it a few steps before Narcissa stopped short and spun Pansy to face her.

“Miss Parkinson, I know what you’re wondering, and I know what you saw this summer. I also know you are finally sixteen and a prime target for… well, you know of course. Your parents are both involved as well as your older brother.” Narcissa was now whispering so low that Pansy had to lean in to hear. “Please take care of my son. Please. I beg you. I know you’re not his girlfriend or betrothed, but he needs a friend. He needs affection. He needs someone by his side who won’t question anything he might do. Just support him and make him feel loved, and ask him nothing of any task he might be trying to complete this year. You don’t want to know, you can’t be involved. You can’t help him. Please just be with him. He cares for you, and I know you care for him as well.”

Pansy looked into the frozen blue eyes of the great Lady Malfoy and found tears about to fall. Suddenly she felt like crying too, but she cleared her throat before responding, “Of course, Lady Malfoy. I’ll do what I can. I love your son.”

Narcissa visibly relaxed, and just in time as they had been spotted by Posy Parkinson, who was now gliding toward them with her husband, Pansy’s father Perseus close behind.

Pansy tuned out the conversation that followed, more of the same “catching up” even though the women had taken tea together not two days earlier. She was shaking a little, and glanced over her shoulder, trying to spot Draco in the windows of the train. She had to get inside as soon as possible, so she cleared her throat.

“Mother, Father, Lady Malfoy, I must excuse myself. I have prefect duties to attend to and I don’t want to leave Draco waiting.” She curtsied to her mother and father, and took Narcissa’s outstretched hand for a moment with a meaningful look. Posy wished her a good year and implored her to write with her exams scores, her father said nothing but nodded along. As soon as Pansy had her back turned, she rolled her eyes and stood up straighter, allowing her robes to return to their position best suited for highlighting her breasts. She put on her sneer and the purposeful walk she used to dominate her peers and stepped onto the train. It was time to go home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> literally2literary.tumblr.com
> 
> let's chat


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The train, the feast. Welcome back to Hogwarts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to mention the title of this fic comes from Anais Mitchell's masterpiece Hadestown, specifically the live NYTW album. The song "All I've Ever Known" and really the entire show is wonderful and perfect go listen to it. Love to my lovebugs reading this. You know who you are. 
> 
> Also so much of this chapter is pulled straight from HBP, but I reinterpreted what Harry read as cruel or indifferent into general apathy or concern. Slytherins are a weird bunch.

She found Draco’s chosen compartment with no trouble and slid the door open. He was alone in there with their trunks, he hadn’t even lifted the trunks into the luggage rack yet. Pansy studied him carefully. He was sitting on the very edge of the seat, head in his hands. His fingers were threaded through his hair and gripping so tight that his knuckles were turning white. His legs were trembling and she saw a bead of sweat drip from the tip of his nose onto his slightly wrinkled trousers. His robes had been thrown unceremoniously into a corner of the compartment, and though he was clearly warm and overheated, his shirt sleeves remained fully rolled down and buttoned. Pansy sighed and went to hang his robes up.

 

“Leave it, Pans.”

 

She turned and he was looking up at her, face red and eyes haunted. She dropped the robes and went immediately to him, standing in front of his shaking form, she reached out her hand and let her fingers weave through his amongst his hair. He gripped her fingers tight for a moment, then let go and flopped back onto the seat in exhaustion.

 

“How are you?”

 

“Just wonderful, Pans, can’t you see I’m jumping for joy? I’m flooded with happiness.” His voice wasn’t even sarcastic then, just emotionless.

 

“I’m here for you, darling. Anything you need.” She stepped closer, “Anything.”

 

His eye found hers again and he smiled weakly and nodded. With a pained groan he brought himself to a seated position and Pansy sat next to him. They put their arms around each other easily and just sat for a moment until they heard the whistle blow and felt the brakes of the train release. They let out a sigh of relief together and watched through the door of the compartment as all the younger students raced to the windows to wave goodbye to their parents. Pansy looked at Draco with a question on her face, and Draco shook his head. They both knew their parents never stuck around for such sentiment. As the train picked up speed the compartment door slid open to reveal Crabbe and Goyle, and close behind them Blaise Zabini with Tracey and Millicent.

 

“There you two are! We thought maybe you never made it. We were starting to figure out who would be your prefect replacements.” Blaise pushed his way into the small room and levitated his trunk up to the rack then gestured to Pansy and Draco’s trunks, “Want me to put these up?”

 

Draco nodded then stood up, “Zabini, Crabbe, Goyle. Good to see you. Davis and Bulstrode, you’re both looking well. Pansy and I have to go to our prefect meeting, can you lot look after the compartment while we’re gone? Keep everyone else out, except I suppose Greengrass if she comes around. Only the elder Greengrass, obviously. I want to be undisturbed for this whole trip. We’ll be right back.” He gripped Pansy’s hand tightly and dragged her out of the compartment before she could say a word. She didn’t mind, of course. What could she possibly have to say to them? She didn’t care for Crabbe or Goyle, the girls would be in her room soon enough, and she had seen Zabini at his own home less than a week ago when his mother hosted a fundraiser for a Kneazle rescue charity.

 

She and Draco kept holding hands all the way down the train until they reached the prefect’s compartment. Her heart melted at this casual contact, maybe if he was willing to touch her then he wasn’t so badly hurt by what the summer had brought upon him. She could only hope.

 

They stepped into the prefect’s compartment and immediately her good mood disappeared. The first people she laid eyes on were Hermione Granger and Ronald Weasley. Disgusting. In addition to being a mudblood, Granger was also impossibly unstylish and extremely rude. She had heard more insults directed at her coming out of Granger’s mouth than almost anyone else. No one else would dare. And Weasley had gone bright red and his fists had clenched as if he was ready to fight like a Muggle as soon as he saw Draco in the doorframe.

 

Pansy sneered, “Oh look, Draco darling, the elves forgot to sweep up the trash in here.”

 

Granger huffed and stomped away, taking a seat in the furthest corner of the room, “Nice haircut Velma Kelly, murder anyone this summer?”

 

“You are the last person who could even think about criticizing my hair, Granger. And I don’t understand your stupid Muggle talk and therefore I won’t respond to it,” Pansy sniffed, unsure how offended to be but choosing not to let it get to her, “Come Draco, we’re not sitting over there. Weasel, go sit with your pet hairball over there and don’t even think about opening your mouth. I don’t think I could handle your stupidity today.”

 

She led Draco over to the opposite corner of the room and snapped her fingers at the fifth year Ravenclaw prefects to move out of her way, which they gladly did. Surprisingly, Weasley and Granger stopped talking and sat in their corner, glowering in her direction. Pansy could handle glowering. She plopped herself down next to Draco and smoothed her skirt, making sure to flash a little leg toward Weasley just to see his and Granger’s faces go bright red just as the Head Boy and Girl began to call the meeting to order.

 

The Heads were Thomasin Martin and Craig Jenkins, a Hufflepuff girl and a Ravenclaw boy who were unremarkable in every way. Pansy could barely tell them apart, they were so plain and forgettable. She naturally tuned everything out, choosing instead to hold Draco’s hand and daydream out the window toward the English countryside. The rolling green fields were soaring by at breakneck speeds and Pansy realized she was the most relaxed she had been since last June. Things were back to normal, Draco’s hand was in hers, they were heading back to Hogwarts, and she had all the power she could ever want. She smiled to herself and cuddled closer to Draco’s shoulder. She could be happy like this.

 

The meeting was dismissed rather quickly and Pansy and Draco made their way back to their compartment, pointedly ignoring Jenkins and Martin’s plea for them to go on rounds throughout the train ride. They had no intention of doing any prefect duties before school had officially started, and even then they were dedicated to only the bare minimum. There was so much else to do, especially since this was their first year of NEWT classes. She was taking Charms, Ancient Runes, Divination, and Defense Against the Dark Arts, which were the OWLS she had gotten O or E grades. She was still deciding whether or not to continue Astronomy and was just about to ask Draco his plan when they walked into the compartment.

 

To her surprise, the only ones in the compartment were Crabbe and Goyle, the former reading some ugly comic book and the latter eating what looked like his weight in chocolate frogs. They looked up as Pansy and Draco walked in, and with a pointed look from Draco, began talking over each other.

 

“Blaise got a note from a Professor Slughorn asking him to lunch. No, we don’t know why.”

 

“Millie went to the loo.”

 

“And Tracey is off flirting with the seventh year boys down at the end of this car. Millie said she’d probably go there later, they’ve both got their eye on some bloke.”

 

“Same bloke too, should be funny. Want some frogs?”

 

Draco sneered but took a frog anyways as Pansy removed her robes, folded them into her trunk, then took her seat. After biting the head off the frog and removing and folding his own robes Draco took the seat next to her and turned to her with a questioning eyebrow. Pansy nodded, pleased, as Draco spun around and lay down with his head in her lap. It had been a while since they had sat this way, it reminded her of when they were children and had been very close. It felt amazing to have his trust again. They sat in silence for a while, Pansy scratched Draco’s scalp with her long nails as he drifted off into what seemed like a much-needed nap. She continued to stare out the window and daydream.

 

After a couple hours of peace and quiet the door to the compartment slid open, revealing Blaise. He looked irritated, and as he tried to close the door it jammed on something.

 

“What’s wrong with this thing?” He said angrily and tried repeatedly to close the door, only to have it bounce off the frame over and over again. Suddenly it flew open, knocking Blaise off balance and sending him toppling over into Goyle’s lap. Draco sat up in surprise, having been jolted out of his slumber, and looked confused at nothing in the air, he looked like he was staring into space. Blaise and Goyle sorted themselves out, which caused Draco to laugh, which made Pansy’s heart soar.

 

“So, Zabini,” Draco asked as he lay back down onto Pansy’s lap, “what did Slughorn want?”

 

“Just trying to make up to well-connected people, not that he managed to find many.”

 

Draco scowled, and Pansy started scratching his head again, “Who else had he invited?”

 

Blaise listed off a few people that Pansy didn’t recognize, then mentioned, “Longbottom, Potter, and that Weasley girl.”

 

Draco sat up again, this time livid, “He invited _Longbottom_?”

 

Blaise rolled his eyes, “Well, I assume so, since Longbottom was there.”

 

“What’s Longbottom got to interest Slughorn?” Draco demanded, but Blaise only shrugged. “Potter, precious Potter, obviously he wanted a look at ‘the Chosen One,’” sneered Malfoy, “but that Weasley girl! What’s so special about her?”

 

“A lot of boys like her,” said Pansy, watching Malfoy out of the corner of her eyes for his reaction. “Even you think she’s good-looking, don’t you, Blaise, and we all know how hard you are to please!” She was teasing him, she knew what sort of person he fancied, and it certainty wasn’t Ginny Weasley.

 

“I wouldn’t touch a filthy little blood traitor like her whatever she looked like,” said Blaise in his trademark deadpan, and Pansy laughed.

 

Draco laid back across her lap and Pansy resumed stroking his hair, hoping to ease some of the worry in his eyes. She knew he was probably a little jealous that Blaise was invited and he was not.

 

She was right, because Draco wouldn’t let it go. “Well, I pity Slughorn’s taste. Maybe he’s going a bit senile. Shame, my father always said he was a good wizard in his day. My father used to be a bit of a favorite of his. Slughorn probably hasn’t heard I’m on the train, or-”

 

“I wouldn’t bank on an invitation,” said Blaise. “He asked me about Nott’s father when I first arrived. They used to be old friends, apparently, but when he heard he’d been caught at the Ministry he didn’t look happy, and Nott didn’t get an invitation, did he? I don’t think Slughorn’s interested in Death Eaters.”

 

Draco looked furious, but choked out a laugh. “Well, who cares what he’s interested in? What is he, when you come down to it? Just some stupid teacher.” Draco yawned, obviously still exhausted. “I mean, I might not even be at Hogwarts next year, what’s it matter to me if some fat old has-been likes me or not?”

 

“What do you mean, you might not be at Hogwarts next year?” said Pansy in total shock. She stopped playing with Draco’s hair and sat back in alarm.

 

“Well, you never know,” said Malfoy, smiling weakly. “I might have — er — moved on to bigger and better things.”

 

“Do you mean — Him?” Pansy asked, looking over at Blaise, who looked intrigued but sad. His aristocratic face rarely showed a lot of emotion, but they had been friends for so long that Pansy could read him like a book. He was concerned for Draco, but had no idea what was going on.

 

Draco shrugged. “Mother wants me to complete my education, but personally, I don’t see it as that important these days. I mean, think about it... When the Dark Lord takes over, is he going to care how many O.W.L.s or N.E.W.T.s anyone’s got? Of course he isn’t. It’ll be all about the kind of service he received, the level of devotion he was shown.”

 

“And you think you’ll be able to do something for him?” asked Blaise scathingly, allowing concern to creep into his voice. “Sixteen years old and not even fully qualified yet?”

 

“I’ve just said, haven’t I? Maybe he doesn’t care if I’m qualified. Maybe the job he wants me to do isn’t something that you need to be qualified for,” said Draco quietly.

 

Crabbe and Goyle were both sitting with their mouths wide open, clearly trying to comprehend the gravity of what Draco had just said. Pansy just stared down at the man of her dreams in her lap, all of the love and concern she had for him racing through her brain, her face growing hot and tears threatening to spill onto her cheeks.

 

“I can see Hogwarts,” said Draco, trying to change the subject and blushing as he pointed out of the dark window. “We’d better get our robes on.”

 

In the hustle to grab their trunks and pull out their robes, Pansy caught Draco staring into space again, then he shook his head and tugged his robes on, casting a quick ironing charm on himself and then on her. She grinned at him and nodded, silently thanking him for thinking of her, and he nodded back. Pansy and Draco didn’t spend a lot of time talking to each other when they could just nod and gesture and understand each other perfectly. Pansy’s heart was still racing from his declaration earlier, and she knew that she would have to have words with him sooner rather than later. She glared at him a bit so he would know how displeased she was with him, and he gave her a small grimace in return.

 

As the train slowly rolled to a stop, Pansy gathered her things and went to leave with the others, hand outstretched for Draco to take it so they wouldn’t be separated, but Draco didn’t follow her.

 

“You go on,” he said, “I just want to check something.”

 

Pansy raised her eyebrow at that but Draco shook his head and nodded towards the door. She decided not to argue with him and closed the compartment door behind her, searching the crowd and finding Millicent and Tracey at the end of the hall, Tracey was hanging on some seventh year Ravenclaw boy’s arm and Millicent looked upset. Without a word and completely not caring about their immature boyfriend drama, Pansy joined their group and headed toward the carriages, climbing in one with her fellow Slytherins and looking back for Draco. He was nowhere to be seen, and the carriage pulled away without him. Pansy was worried that he had gotten himself into trouble, and resolved to give him a stern lecture when they were back in their common room that night.

 

They had all taken their customary seats at the Slytherin table as far from the head table as possible and Pansy was starting to get concerned that Draco was still missing. She was snapping at every half-witted child who asked her where he was when he finally strolled in the main entrance door as if nothing had happened. Pansy shoved the fifth year boy who had the nerve to sit next to her away to make room for Draco, who was grinning widely. The sight of his beautiful smile softened her heart, maybe he wouldn’t be lectured that night after all.

 

“You won’t believe what just happened. I caught Potter in our compartment!”

 

A chorus of “What?!?!” went down the table as Draco captured the attention of every Slytherin within hearing range. Pansy shifted in her seat, proud that he was at her side and no one else had claim to him. This kind of power was what made the two of them the king and queen of Slytherin house.

 

“He was hiding on the luggage rack, disillusioned or something, I noticed him right after Blaise came back from that Slime Party or whatever it was.” Blaise coughed at this but Draco continued, “Anyways I got him under a _Petrificus Totalus_ , stomped on his bloody arrogant face, then left him there to head all the way back to London. It was brilliant, you should have seen him!”

 

Cheers and jeers and laughter echoed down the table along with the story for those too far away to hear it, and Pansy laughed right along. _Serves him right_ , _really_ , Pansy thought, _Spying on people and hiding. Maybe he’ll learn a lesson and finally leave Draco alone_. Potter and Draco had been enemies from day one, and Pansy had spent many a night listening to Draco rant and rave about how everyone always took Potter’s side in every fight they had ever had. They were all so sick of watching Potter get away with whatever he wanted.

 

A while later, the door opened again to reveal Potter, covered in blood and extremely late, still in Muggle clothes and looking confused. The sight of him sent the Slytherins into raucous laughter again, and Draco reveled in it, acting out his deeds again in an exaggerated pantomime to make the table laugh harder. Pansy laughed along with the rest of them, finally feeling like she was back among her real family, and Draco was holding her hand and smiling at her. She was home, her family was back together, and she felt a weight leave her shoulders.


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Firewhiskey and reconnecting. Life is still looking pretty okay. The year hasn't really started yet, has it?

“ _Veritas._ ”

 

The Slytherin common room revealed itself at the sound of the password and the cool air rushed over Pansy like a wave. She was helping the fifth year prefects lead the newly sorted first years to their home for the next seven years. She let the fifth year prefects take the lead, standing by only for support and to remind them of anything they might have forgotten. They did a perfect job of it, as expected of all Slytherins and Slytherin prefects. Their house didn’t tolerate the incompetent for many reasons, not the least of which was because of the stereotypes they faced at all times. It was drilled into the head of every first year- the school expects you to be worthless, and trying too hard to prove them wrong only results in looking like a sycophant or a loser. Slytherins looked after their own, because no one else at Hogwarts was going to do it.

 

After showing the first year girls to their room, Pansy was free to enjoy the rest of her evening. But a glance around the common room made her grimace, it was full of young third and fourth years trying to look cool and adult- one enterprising boy had snuck a bottle of his parents’ firewhiskey and was daring others to take swigs without coughing. No one was doing well and she was faced with the terrifying thought that she could soon be the caretaker of a dozen drunken preteens.

 

She shook her head and made a choice. She walked purposefully through the small crowd and snatched the entire bottle of whiskey right out of the boy’s hand as he was mid-drink. He spat a mouthful out all over his friends and shouted in protest.

 

“It’s forbidden at Hogwarts, you’re fourteen years old, and this brand is common, cheap, and disgusting. Do better.”

 

She stalked away back towards her room, leaving the children whining in protest. She threw a sneer over her shoulder and took a long drink out of the bottle while maintaining eye contact with the bottle’s owner. She released the bottle’s rim with a sultry pop of her lips, without coughing, then sneered as she closed the door to the sixth year girls’ dorm.

 

Sighing, she took another swig of the cheap, terrible firewhiskey and leaned her back against the door, surveying the room. Pansy’s trunk was at the foot of her bed, the bed closest to the bathroom so she could get ready first in the morning and climb into bed last in the evening after her long and intensive potion regiment. The bed next to hers was Daphne’s, but it seemed as if she wasn’t back to the room yet. Tracey’s bed was next and Millicent’s was on the end nearest the door. Millicent’s things were already put away neatly, while Tracey’s trunk appeared to have exploded, because all of her clothes were strewn everywhere, even on the bed posts of her bed and the two beds on either side. Tracey and Millicent were screaming at each other but stopped when they saw Pansy.

 

“Hey Pansy, please tell Tracey to move her shit off of my bed before I start hexing her.”

 

“I told you, I’m looking for something and I’ll put it all away when I find it!”

 

“You won’t though, Tracey! Your space has been disgusting and messy like this for five years now! I’ll be damned if we start our sixth year this way too. We’re sixteen for fuck’s sake!”

 

“You shut your mouth, Bulstrode, or I’ll shut it for you.”

 

“Oh Merlin’s dick, enough already!” Pansy moaned, taking another drink of the whiskey, “You two make me sick. I can’t believe I’ve been stuck listening to this exact same argument for over five years now. Just shut up and keep your shit on your own side of the room, Trace. And Millie, stop being a bitch. Drink some of this and help me finish it.”

 

“Where’d you get it?” Millicent asked, taking the bottle and grimacing at the taste, but immediately having another swig and passing it to Tracey, who took a long pull without question.

 

“Nicked it from some fourth year prick. Give it back, it’s been ‘confiscated’ and I need to ‘get rid of it.’” She laughed, and the others joined her. Pansy was feeling rather warm, and as she took her next drink, the door behind her opened and Daphne Greengrass walked in the room.

 

Daphne’s face lit up with a genuine smile as she caught sight of her roommates sharing a bottle, “Oh good, whiskey. I’m gasping.” She dragged out the long A in a perfect impression of her mother and the girls fell into giggles again, “Hey Pansy, haven’t seen you all day. You all right? The hair looks wonderful, very sleek. It suits you.”

 

Pansy’s heart skipped a beat as the full force of Daphne’s brilliant smile was concentrated on her, “Thanks Daphne, I appreciate it. Neither of these two twats had anything to say about my hair, I only did it last night.”

 

“You always look fine, Pans, you don’t need us to stroke your ego.” Millicent said with a snort, reaching for the bottle and throwing herself on her bed.

 

“Kindly go fuck yourself, Millie. I don’t need my ego stroked, but if you’re so willing to go stroke something why don’t you hop on that seventh year I saw you and Tracey making eyes at getting off the train?”

 

A pillow flew past her head and Pansy laughed meanly, dodging it and sneaking the bottle from Millicent and away to her own bed. Daphne and Tracey also moved to sit on their own beds, and to Tracey’s credit she removed all of her clothes from Daphne and Millicent’s bed and shoved nearly everything sloppily back into her trunk.

 

Pansy was now good and drunk, and the room was starting to blur around her. The warmth and numbness of the whiskey made her relax and forget about the summer, Draco, and his mother’s pleas for a moment. Instead she found Daphne’s beautiful smile through the haze. Daphne was reaching her hand out, and for a moment Pansy thought she meant to take her hand, but realized she was reaching for the whiskey bottle. Blushing, she handed the bottle over then flopped dramatically onto her bed to hide her reaction. _That was a dangerous line of thinking, having a thing for your roommate is asking for trouble. Never mind that you’d make everyone else uncomfortable, but if it didn’t work out you’d be stuck sharing a room with her. Plus, Draco needs your help and attention right now. That’s unacceptable, Pansy, stop that right now._

 

She shook her head and came back to the conversation, which had moved on to that seventh year boy the other two had been fighting over before. Tracey had just confessed to snogging him on the train, and while Millicent was put out, learning that he was a terrible kisser had made her laugh, and soon all four of them were drunk and laughing into the night.

 

They drifted off to sleep one by one. Millicent collapsed snoring around midnight, Tracey soon after that, and Daphne wasn’t far behind. Pansy looked through her curtains to her sleeping roommates and smiled softly. She didn’t always like them, but they were her family.

 

She groaned as she got to her feet. Not even being drunk on the first night of school would stop her from her nightly routine. She stumbled to the bathroom with her bag and unpacked her potions one by one, lining them up in order on her designated part of the counter.

 

Facial cleanser, facial moisturizer, acne prevention potion, body lotion, deep hair conditioner, overnight leave in hair treatment, teeth cleaner, teeth whitener, general health potion, contraceptive potion, nail and hair growth and strengthening potion, hand and cuticle oil, eye cream, night cream, cold cream, foot cream, freckle reducer, stretch mark healer (she could keep trying), and finally a cooling charm followed by a hair removal charm to her entire body below the neck, and a silk scarf wrapped around her hair. Cool, clean, and thoroughly moisturized, Pansy turned the lights off and snuck back into her own bed. Her stomach growled but she put it out of her head. No sense dwelling on it, she wasn’t going to eat until classes started the day after next. She had allowed herself to have dessert at the start of term fest and she immediately regretted it, even though it had tasted divine.

 

When she woke up in the middle of the night screaming from a horrible nightmare, she would partially blame the dessert.


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Classes haven't even started and yet...

CHAPTER FIVE

 

 

“PANSY! Wake up!”

 

Pansy jolted awake and sat straight up in bed, gasping and sweating, tears streaming down her face. She was disoriented until a wand lit up a few inches from her face and she winced in pain. It was still pitch dark in the room and with the light in her face she couldn’t tell who was holding the wand or who had shaken her awake.

 

“Ugh, lower that wand you dolt, I can’t see anything.”

 

“Sorry, of course.” Daphne’s face emerged from the blinding light, concern lining her brow. Pansy’s heart started pounding again, and she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.

 

“Daph? What happened?”

 

“You were thrashing around in your sleep, and you woke me up with your moaning and screaming. You were having a nightmare, do you remember?”

 

She did remember. Flashes of horrible, green-tinged memories seared behind her eyelids. She hadn’t slept well in weeks, seeing those horrible things night after night. Scalded flesh, the smell of burning hair, that fiery brand being pressed to perfect, pale skin, sweaty blonde hair falling into the eyes of a screaming boy whom she loved.

 

“I’m fine, did I wake the others?”

 

“No, just me. It’s ok, go back to sleep.”

 

Pansy looked over at her roommate, and even through her tears she could see tiny, perfect Daphne sitting on the edge of her bed, her delicate hand centimeters from hers, making Pansy’s long, bony fingers look grotesque. Her golden blonde hair was pulled back into a large blue bow, and her nightdress was pure white. Pansy was wearing a black silk camisole and matching shorts, and sitting next to each other she couldn’t help but think that she and Daphne looked like an angel and a demon.

 

She curled her arms around her knees and drew them to her chest. She was suddenly freezing.

 

“Thanks Daph, I’ll be okay. I’ve been having them for a few weeks now, but they only ever happen once per night. When I fall back asleep again I won’t have another. I’ll try to remember to put a silencing charm up on my curtains from now on.”

 

“A few weeks? Pansy, you were screaming ‘leave him alone, take me instead.’ What happened this summer that would make you so horrified?”

 

“Nothing, it’s none of your fucking business.” Pansy snapped, then lay down and rolled over, “Good night, Daphne.”

 

Daphne hesitated a moment, and Pansy thought she could sense her hand hovering over her back as if to pat her comfortingly. She genuinely didn’t know whether she wanted that to happen or not, but before she could decide, Daphne sighed and got up from the edge of the bed.

“Good night, Pansy.” The curtains closed and she was gone, and Pansy let out a deep sigh and rolled onto her back.

 

She shivered again and pulled the blanket tighter around her long, slim frame. She let her fingertips drag across her collarbone, rib cage, and hipbones, feeling them stick out through her pale skin. She lingered on the little bit of fat still hanging on around her navel and grimaced, pinching it hard. She flexed every muscle in her body one at a time to relax her enough to fall back asleep, but even though she was back in Hogwarts and she and Draco were perfectly safe, her racing mind wouldn’t let her relax, hadn’t let her relax in weeks.

 

She drew the curtains back silently and looked around. All the beds in the room had their curtains drawn tight, and she could hear snores coming from Millicent’s bed. Taking care not to wake anyone, Pansy tiptoed to the door to the common room and popped her head out, surveying the area for anyone who might bother her. The giant clock over the fireplace told her it was nearly three in the morning, and the massive glass wall that looked into the lake was pitch black and as still as death. She had a few hours to go until the Slytherins woke up, so she curled up with a blanket in front of the fire and just watched the flames from her favorite armchair until she drifted off. No more nightmares disturbed her.

 

But about four hours later the first sounds of a waking dorm did disturb her, so she decided that four hours was as much sleep as she was going to get that night. She padded in her bare feet back across the common room, past the now dark green lake wall that was slowly getting brighter every minute, and into her room, where her roommates all seemed to still be asleep. But as she sat down on her bed and reached for some clothes to wear, Daphne’s head popped out of her curtains. Her hair was now a mess and her eyes were blurry with sleep and a clear hangover.

 

“Hey Pansy? I’m sorry I pried into your business last night. You’re right, that was too far. You don’t have to share if you won’t want to. I just want to make sure you’re okay. You’re basically my best friend.”

 

Pansy’s heart sank, but she didn’t really understand why. “It’s fine, Daph. Thanks.”

 

Daphne smiled, and they were both distracted by a loan groan from the bed on Daphne’s other side. Tracey fought with her curtains for a minute, swearing and cursing, before freeing herself into the room.

 

“Mother of Merlin, my head hurts like a son of a bitch! That cheap shit kills, Pans!”

 

“Well maybe if you weren’t such a baby, Tracey, you’d be fine this morning.”

 

“Fuck off.”

“Oh for the love of Salazar, will you all shut the ever loving fuck up?!” Millicent’s voice rang from behind her curtains, which made Daphne laugh, her laugh was high and clear and sounded like a bell. Pansy laughed too, but then winced as her headache came back in full force.

 

“We should see Madame Pomfrey for some headache potion.”

 

“Good call, Pansy. Let’s get dressed.”

 

Of course with Pansy, just “getting dressed” was not an easy or quick process. She insisted over the moans and cries of her roommates that she be allowed to do her morning ritual. Cream after cream, potion after potion, and slowly she felt like she was becoming a human being again. The horrors of the night seemed further away.

 

It was a Sunday, so they were out of uniform and the halls were nearly empty. They made their way up to the hospital wing together and claimed “female problems” to get the potion, and when their headaches were cured they went to the Great Hall for breakfast. The girls sat down at the Slytherin table in their usual spot and weren’t surprised when none of the boys joined them. Daphne picked at a plate of fruit, Tracey was drinking the largest mug of coffee that Pansy had ever seen, and Millicent was devouring a mountain of bacon and eggs. Pansy sat still with an empty plate in front of her, staring into space and trying to ignore her stomach. She knew from years of experience that if she ignored it long enough, the rumbling, aching feeling would go away. The sight of all the food on Millicent’s plate was making her feel ill.

 

“Hey Pans, you should eat something.”

 

“I’m fine, Daph. Honestly if I ate anything right now I’d be sick. The whiskey, you know.”

 

Daphne nodded, and a sad look had some across her face. But Tracey rolled her eyes.

 

“Sure yes of course, let’s blame the whiskey last night for the last three or four years you’ve spent not eating. Honestly Pansy, we’re not stupid.”

 

Pansy went cold, and her customary sneer was back in place, “I guess some of us have a care on whether or not we look like pigs, Davis.”

 

Tracey glared at Pansy, who stood up in anger, “Honestly you lot, if you cared more about your own fat arses instead of mine, you’d be more tolerable to spend time with. As it is, I’m off to enjoy the end of summer outside, and I don’t want your nasty faces ruining my day.”

 

She stormed out, and as she threw open the door to the Entrance Hall she ran face first into Draco, who looked like he had as rough of a night as her. They looked each other up and down then Pansy resumed her dramatic exit. She knew he’d find her later.

 

She stalked through the entrance hall and out the front doors, blinking in the morning sunlight. She took a deep breath and inhaled the fresh cool air. The Hogwarts grounds were beautiful, the grass glittered with morning dew and the lake was as still as glass. Pansy walked quickly for the lake and decided what she needed was some time alone and a little exercise. She started to walk around the lake, taking care to keep her shoes out of the worst of the mud. Around the far end of the lake there was a craggy bit of rock that was mostly used as a romantic lookout for sixth and seventh years. She herself had come up here with Draco once or twice, though nothing serious had happened, not in such a public place. That wasn’t her style, and she wasn’t interested in doing anything of _that_ nature at only fifteen. So early in the morning on a Sunday meant that the entire rock formation was empty of people, and Pansy climbed the rock and sat with her arms around her knees, staring out over the lake and forest.

 

She knew why she was upset, why she had stormed out in anger and let Tracey’s words get to her. Tracey was right, Pansy hadn’t really eaten regularly for years, but it wasn’t three or four like Tracey had accused her of. Pansy had been avoiding food since the summer before she came to Hogwarts, when she was ten almost eleven, the first time her mother had mentioned her weight. It had been so innocuous compared to the stuff Pansy heard now that she was sixteen, but it was one small little comment during her robe fitting that stuck with her.

 

“She’s going to need the next size up, she’s gaining so much weight.”

 

What really bothered Pansy wasn’t that Tracey was accusing her of having a problem, it was that she was right.

 

Pansy lost track of time and had no idea what how long she had been sitting up there when she heard her name being called, echoing quietly in the trees behind her. She squinted against the sun and saw someone walking towards her who she never expected to come looking for her.

 

“Zabini? What are you doing here? Aren’t you too busy sucking Slughorn’s dick to go looking for some sad bird on a rock?”

 

“Parkinson, I heard you threw a rather public and dramatic tantrum in the Great Hall this morning. I think that’s a new record.” Pansy flashed him a rude gesture and he laughed, climbing on the rock with her. They sat in silence for a moment, then Blaise spoke again, “You alright?”

 

“No. But I can’t having you lot know that.”

 

“I know. Will you be okay?”

 

“Eventually.”

 

Another long silence, then Pansy asked, “How are you?”

 

“Not great, Pans. But I can’t having you lot know that.”

 

Tears appeared in Pansy’s eyes even as she laughed again. She laid her head on Blaise’s shoulder and they looked out over the lake together. They hadn’t always been close, but they did grow up together (most of the pureblood kids did), and Slytherins always stuck together, that was their armor. They could be _not all right_ together.

 

“So what do we do?”

 

“We make it through the school year. One day at a time. We’ll get there, Pans.”


	6. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings, a flashback, a present, a kiss.

CHAPTER SIX

 

Later that day, after a good long afternoon scaring first years away from their lookout spot and talking about classes, Blaise and Pansy made their way back to the dungeons. They gave the password to the door and were immediately set upon by Draco, who glared at Blaise and had Pansy by the arm in a matter of seconds, dragging her into his empty dorm and slamming the door behind them.

 

“Dammit Pansy, it’s the first day back and you’re already trying to cause problems!”

 

“Fuck you, Draco! Tracey decided to run her mouth and I’m sick of her. Six years I’ve been living with these idiots and I’ve had enough. It’s not my problem or my fault.”

 

“Nothing’s ever your fault, is it? Everything is always someone else’s problem, but you need to pull your head out of your arse! If you’re sitting here starting fights and tearing our House apart, how are we ever supposed to accomplish anything? How are we supposed to face our parents or Him if we can’t even keep the Slytherins in line? We’re supposed to be _leaders_ , Pansy.”

 

Pansy looked down in embarrassment. Her parents and the Dark Lord seemed so far away while in the sanctuary of school, and even though she wanted to please them and be a good daughter, now that she was back in school and far away, it was easy to forget about them and just sink into being a teenager.

 

It wasn’t as easy for Draco though, he was Marked, and she had seen it happen.

 

 

\---

 

 

 

“Pansy, darling, I need you to put on your black dress robes and come with me, immediately.”

 

Pansy looked up from her desk, where she had been composing a letter to Draco, startled by her mother’s entrance.

 

“Yes Mother, are we going to another fundraiser?” She stood and made her way to the wardrobe, stepping behind the changing screen and snapping for a house elf to come and take away the dressing gown she had been wearing.

 

“No we’re not. Stop asking questions, girl.”

 

Her mother’s tone was harsher than usual, and Pansy was suddenly frightened. But she was also well-behaved, so she dressed quickly and ran a brush through her hair, smoothing out the long, brown sheet of silk to fall pleasantly over one shoulder.

 

Another elf handed her a pair of high heeled shoes as she stepped out from behind the screen and faced her mother, who she now noticed was wearing a set of robes she had only ever seen hanging in the back corner of her mother’s extensive wardrobe- black as pitch, unadorned but thick and expensive, with a large hood.

 

 _Oh_.

 

Pansy blinked a few times but steadied herself as she followed her mother down the stairs into the main hall of the manor, where the fireplace was already glowing green.

 

“Malfoy Manor!” Posy shouted as she threw the Floo Powder into the flames.

 

 _Malfoy Manor?_ Pansy thought gleefully, forgetting for a moment what her mother was wearing and how serious she seemed, _I’ll get to see Draco!_

 

She followed behind her mother after waiting long enough for the fireplace to clear on the other side. She stepped joyfully out of the fireplace, and the smile was immediately wiped from her face. _He_ was there.

 

The entrance hall of Malfoy Manor was crowded with black-clad figures, most of whom she recognized as the parents of her classmates or various Ministry officials she had been forced to meet at parties her entire life. But her eyes sailed right over them and landed on Him.

 

Lord Voldemort.

 

He was taller than she expected, with paper white skin and a snake-like face that was grinning at her with no true joy in his blood red eyes. His high pitched, eerie voice rang out, causing everyone in the room to go silent and pay rapt attention.

 

“Ah yes, the young Miss Parkinson is here. Very good. You are a vision, little flower. We welcome you to tonight’s meeting, which is extremely special and something you won’t want to miss.”

 

Pansy curtsied politely but her heart was racing and a sheen of sweat was starting to build on her forehead.

 

“A pleasure to finally make your acquaintance, My Lord, but I must admit I’m a little confused.”

 

“You’re wondering of course, why we brought you here, and why you’re the only child in the room at this time.”

 

 _He can hear my thoughts_. Pansy thought in a panic, which caused Voldemort to laugh.

 

“I can’t truly hear your thoughts, Miss Parkinson, unless you make them very plain in your head. Someone needs to start teaching these children a little Occlumency, before Dumbledore or one of his precious Order starts trying to spy on me through their little eyes.”

 

“Yes My Lord,” Pansy recognized the voice of her Potions professor, Professor Snape, “I’ll make it one of my duties during this school year. Only for _select_ few, of course.”

 

“Thank you, Severus. You work so hard. Now,” He turned back to Pansy, “Miss Parkinson, you’re not the only child here of course. The younger Lord Malfoy is of course also here. Would you like to see him?”

 

Pansy nodded, hardly trusting her voice. She was so nervous, but terribly excited to see Draco.

 

“Speak up, girl,” hissed her father, Perseus.

 

“Yes My Lord, I would very much like to see Draco. I haven’t had a chance to talk to him since school let out in June.”

 

Voldemort smiled again, the same mirthless grin that showed his slightly pointed teeth. Pansy shivered but stood tall.

 

“You’re a fine girl, Miss Parkinson,” Voldemort said, “Even though you are afraid you still stand with a straight back and a calm face. You’ll make a fine Death Eater someday. Of course, you’re only fifteen, so we must wait. However, you’ll join us as we welcome our newest member to our number. He assures us that you’re as strong and as much of a leader as he is, and that you’re worthy enough to be here.”

 

“I’m flattered, My Lord. I try my hardest to be thought worthy.” _Worthy of anyone._

 

“This way, my dear.”

 

Voldemort led the way through the entrance hall, and after pausing for only a moment, Pansy followed. The entered the large ballroom, which was lit by a strange green light. A lone, hooded figure knelt in front of the fireplace. Voldemort led Pansy straight up to the figure and pulled back the hood to reveal Draco Malfoy, eyes closed and face sweaty and pale.

 

Pansy gasped and went to take a step forward to embrace the boy, but she found her feet had been magically sealed to the floor. She looked up at Voldemort and met his eyes, but was shocked and terrified by the intensity and hatred she found there, so she looked away quickly.

 

“Draco Malfoy,” Voldemort began, pacing a long, slow circle around the young wizard, “You bring yourself here before us, willing. You kneel at my feet, wanting. You offer your arm, freely.”

 

“I do, My Lord.” Draco whispered, and pulled back the sleeve of his robe and revealed the pale, perfect skin of his left forearm.

 

“And by doing so you swear to be loyal to me always, and never be led astray. You swear upon your life and your magic to do my bidding and never question my all powerful authority.”

 

“I do, My Lord.”

 

“You promise to dedicate your entire life, to the moment of your death, to me and to the cause?”

 

“I do My Lord.”

 

With a flash, Voldemort had his wand in his hand, the tip pressed into Draco’s flesh. Draco flinched but did not move.

 

“ _Morsmordre in carne_.”

 

At the incantation, Draco screamed. His face was twisted in agony, sweat dripped down his forehead and he doubled over in pain, but his arm remained steady. The strange green light in the room seemed to pulse, and Pansy felt like she was about to throw up. She tried to shout and reach for him but found she had been magically silenced and her feet were still glued to the floor. Draco’s anguished screams echoed through the room, the only sound apart from the crackling fire. Voldemort’s wand appeared to glow like a brand, and the Dark Mark was carving itself into Draco’s arm, glowing bright red and blistering angrily.

 

After several agonizing minutes of this, Voldemort removed his wand from Draco’s arm and allowed him to collapse in exhaustion. The Dark Lord then turned to Pansy, who was shaking and crying.

 

“Miss Parkinson, do you know why I brought you here? You and no others?” Pansy shook her head, “I brought you here because you’re a leader and a powerful witch. You have the power to command your peers and influence those around you. You have the beauty, the family name, and the training.

You and the young Mister Malfoy here are to be the great influencers of Hogwarts in my name, recruiting and inspiring the young witches and wizards there to come to my side. Draco tells me that you’re a prefect and that all the girls look up to you. That’s very good. I’m very proud. Your beauty, talent, and discerning eye will be a great asset to us.

And also, should you choose to disobey me, you’ll be punished with pain far greater than you could ever imagine. This is what I do to those who please me, who join me. Try to picture what displeasing me will do.

Now of course, you’re so young. We don’t even consider marking those under sixteen, and you turned sixteen the day you return to school. And you’ll be of age next year when things will really start to happen. You won’t be marked today, Miss Parkinson, but consider what you’ve seen and what you’ve heard. Take the year to consider, and try reaching out to some of your closest friends. You’re special, you and Draco; you’re the first to hear of our grand plans. Make sure I didn’t choose poorly.”

 

Pansy nodded, eyes still fixed on the unconscious young man in front of her, “Yes My Lord.” She was relieved to find her voice had been returned to her.

 

“Excellent!” A high, cold laugh pierced the room, and Pansy felt the hex on her feet release, “Let us leave these two lovers alone, my loyal Death Eaters. We have much more to discuss.”

 

The crowd moved into the next room, and Posy stopped to tell Pansy to remain in the ballroom until her parents came back to fetch her. Then they were alone.

 

Pansy knelt by the man of her dreams and wept, holding his head in her lap. He was still unconscious but was breathing steadily. She stole a look at the brand on his arm, now shiny and weeping with blood. Suddenly he stirred in her arms.

 

“Mother?”

 

“No Draco, it’s Pansy. I’m here, my love.”

 

“Pansy, I’m so sorry. He made me name someone I trusted, the one I trusted most. It had to be you, I’m sorry.”

 

“Shhh, it’s fine Draco. It would have been me eventually. I’m glad you trust me,” She moved the hair off his forehead and started stroking his head, “I’m so sorry.”

 

“Sorry for what, Pans?” Draco said, sitting up, “I’m glad this happened. I’m thrilled! This is what we always wanted, to take our place in power and help run the world. We’ve talked about this our whole lives, and now it’s happening. I’m one of them, and you will be too. We’ll make them all proud.”

 

Draco was feverish and talking fast, and Pansy brought her wand out to conjure some water to cool him down, “Shush, my love. We’re still so young. You heard him, it’s not a mission or anything, it’s just influencing and recruiting. We have time. We’ll make them proud. We have so much time.”

 

“I don’t.” Draco whispered as he collapsed back into her arms, “I don’t have much time at all.”

 

“What does that mean, Draco?” He didn’t respond. Her heart sank.

 

 

\---

 

 

Pansy and Draco sank onto his bed, her head was in her hands and his arm was around her shoulders.

 

“I’m sorry Draco, you’re right. I’m better than this.”

 

“Yes you are, you’re the best girl I know. You don’t have to let them get to you. Just remember what we’re doing here. We’re here to learn what we can, recruit who we can, then get out and help rule the world.” He took one of her hands in his, “Together.”

 

“Together.”

 

Their fingers laced together and Draco kissed her lips softly, cupping the back of her head and pulling her close. She sighed and deepened the kiss, tracing his jawline with her free hand. She loved him so much, she would do anything for him.

 

The door to the dorm sprang open, and Blaise stepped in. Draco and Pansy separated to give him a look.

 

“Ever heard of knocking, Zabini?”

 

“I knew you two weren’t up to anything. Nothing good, anyways. I just wanted to let you know we’re heading up for dinner, and I promised Daphne that I would make sure you came with us, Pansy. Not that I should have to babysit you and force you to eat, given that you’re sixteen years old, but here we are.”

 

Pansy rolled her eyes and was about to snap back, but Draco put his hand on her thigh, steadying her.

 

“Pansy, you know she’s right. Let’s just go.”

 

“She’s not right, I’m fine. Leave off, you twats.” But Pansy stood anyways and let the boys lead the way.

 

Draco stopped in the doorframe leading out of the common room, “Shit, Pans, I’m so sorry. Yesterday was so weird I forgot to wish you happy birthday.”

 

“It’s fine, Draco. Thanks.”

 

“Here,” he took a box out of his pocket, “Many happy returns and all that. Enjoy.” He kissed her again, right in front of the whole common room full of younger students. Some of the younger girls sighed and looked at Draco longingly, and Pansy laughed cruelly. They never stood a chance. He was hers, at least for now.

 

Later that night when she was finally able to open the box, she found a beautiful emerald pendant that matched her Slytherin robes perfectly. She squealed and put it on, then read the card that was slipped inside.

 

“Dearest Little Flower, on the occasion of her sixteenth birthday.

See you next year.

-The Dark Lord”


	7. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Classes, advice, fights. Merlin, it's hard to be 16 and actively recruited by the most evil man to walk the earth.

CHAPTER SEVEN

 

 

Professor Snape looked about as excited as the rest of the students that it was time to go back to classes. His sullen, angry face only grew more sullen and angrier the more questions he had to answer about timetables as he passed them out to his house. The Slytherins enjoyed classes well enough, but Pansy was irritated by the noise and excitement caused by the first years and the Ravenclaws.

 

“Are you physically incapable of shutting up? Would you like me to assist you?” she snapped at a nearby first year Slytherin, who promptly fell off her bench.

 

Pansy and her friends laughed as the girl got back to her feet and moved to the other end of the table.

 

“Were we ever that small?” Millicent asked through a mouthful of porridge.

 

“You weren’t.”

 

Millicent threw a scone at Pansy’s head, but missed and hit Draco, who was looking away towards the entrance.

 

“Sorry Draco, my fault. What are you looking at?”

 

“I’m looking for Theo, he hasn’t been here all weekend. I thought he’d be back by the time classes started.”

 

Pansy looked up and down the table, and sure enough, Draco’s best friend Theodore Nott was nowhere to be seen. How had she missed not seeing him that entire weekend? And where on earth could he possibly have gone?

 

A deep, drawling voice from behind them said, “Nott will be here in time for Potions, his mother swore to me.”

 

Professor Snape was standing right behind them holding a small pile of parchment. Draco sat up and smiled, greeting his godfather and his favorite teacher. Pansy shivered, the last time she had seen Severus Snape had been at Malfoy manor.

 

“Good morning, sixth years. I need to verify your OWL scores and which classes you’re choosing to continue with for your NEWTS. As I am no longer teaching Potions, an E is now an acceptable score to continue in the subject, which of course is nonsense, but it’s not my problem anymore.” He sneered, and the table laughed.

 

He went from student to student, reading over their scores and giving them last minute advice on which classes they should be taking for their chosen future careers. He spent the longest with Draco, the two of them with their heads close together and muttering while pointing at the parchment. Crabbe and Goyle were taking two classes each, which made Snape roll his eyes and Pansy laugh. Daphne and Tracey were taking the most classes along with Theo and Draco. Blaise jumped in front of Pansy, breaking the alphabetical order they had put themselves in because he was eager to get to Arithmancy, the only class he actually enjoyed, leaving Pansy for last. She was actually the last student left at the Slytherin table at all, everyone else had run off for classes or free periods.

 

“Miss Parkinson, let me see your OWL results.” She handed the parchment over, “Ancient Runes, Charms, Defense Against the Dark Arts, and Divination. Divination is a waste of your time, you should be taking something else. Literally anything else.”

 

“It’s all a waste of my time, Professor. I’m not going to be working after Hogwarts. I’m probably to be married and serve as a loyal servant to my future husband and to the Cause. You know this. You were there.”

 

Snape sighed, “I was there, but you need to keep quiet.”

 

“I need to show you something, Professor. It has me…concerned.”

 

Pansy fished the note from her birthday present out of her pocket and slid it over to Snape, who read it and frowned, “What was the gift?”

 

“An emerald pendant. Beautiful, expensive, every girl’s dream.” She rolled her eyes.

 

“And where is it?”

 

“Locked safe in my truck with a Disillusionment Charm on it. I’m not wearing that around. That’s just asking for trouble.”

 

“You’re right. Keep it hidden.” Snape Vanished the note and sighed again, “I know what you’re thinking, but don’t neglect your studies just because you think you see the path clear ahead. The one thing that can never be taken from you is your education. Use it wisely, and focus on your strengths. And I suppose if you want to take Divination, you should.”

 

“Would Astronomy be better?” Pansy asked.

 

“Yes. Like I said, anything would be better. I think Professor Sinistra accepts A students under teacher approval only. I’ll ask her for you and write you a letter of recommendation. That gives you four solid NEWT subjects befitting a girl of your talents. I’ll put it on your schedule and let you know if anything changes. Remember what I said, focus on your strengths. And stay dedicated.”

 

Pansy knew she wasn’t top of her class, and she wasn’t even top of the girls in her dorm, but she knew now as she looked in her professor’s eyes that he had been the one to recommend her for a prefect position. He saw something in her, believed in great things in her future. She nodded, taking her timetable and putting it in her bag, smiling as she stood up.

 

“Thank you, Professor.”

 

“Enjoy your Monday, Miss Parkinson.”

 

Pansy got up to walk away, but Snape called her back, “Miss Parkinson, I know what he asked of you. I know you’re hesitant. I also know what Lady Malfoy asked of you before you got on the train. I want you to know now that my office is always open to you or to Draco. You can trust me. And I want you to trust me.”

 

Pansy nodded, but she wasn’t sure if she could trust him. She knew from overhearing conversations at various dinner parties that his loyalty was constantly under question, that it was possible that he was a double agent, that he couldn’t be trusted. But Draco trusted him, and she figured that must be good enough.

 

She left the Great Hall and studied the parchment in her hands and grinned, by taking Astronomy instead of Divination, her schedule was now wide open, leaving her tons of free time. Now she only had Ancient Runes and Charms on Tuesday and Thursday mornings, Defense Against the Dark Arts on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, and Astronomy late on Wednesday nights. She had every Monday and Friday and most of Wednesday to herself to get homework done and work on the mission the Dark Lord had set for her.

 

Daphne, Tracey, Draco, and she assumed Theo (if he made an appearance at all) were all in Potions, so Pansy made her leisurely way down to the Slytherin Common Room to relax and wait for them to be released.

 

The only other people in the Common Room were a handful of seventh years who hadn’t started their NEWT classes yet and Millicent, who was sitting in front of the window looking into the lake and frowning.

 

Pansy looked around the room at all the seventh year students. She knew them all, or at least was familiar with their families. She had grown up with plenty of them but as their years at Hogwarts had gone on, they had become distant. It was easy to just socialize with their classmates. But now as she sat on a sofa in the corner of the room she eyed the group and tried to decide whom she would recruit, if she could ever work up the nerve. Not that she had a choice, she knew what would happen if she refused. Even if the Dark Lord didn’t kill or torture her, she knew her parents would be in danger for her transgressions

 

Of all of the students in the seventh year, the four she had the most faith in would have been Henry Burke, Tamara Shafiq, Maximilian Selwyn, and Ciaran Sullivan. Their families were all members of the Sacred Twenty Eight, even though Max Selwyn’s family was a lesser branch of the Selwyn family. Not only were their families pureblood and ancient, but knew she also knew that their parents were sympathetic to the Cause. None of them were members of the Inner Circle, but they weren’t Dumbledore’s lackeys or loyal Ministry types.

 

She looked over at the group of older students and tried to learn more about them. She knew that Tamara Shafiq and Henry Burke were to be married after school, but they were sitting as far from each other as possible while still being around the same fire. There appeared to be no love lost between them. On the contrary, Ciaran Sullivan and Henry Burke seemed to be quite close, leaning on each other to look over a page of one of their textbooks, getting too close for any question that might have gone through Pansy’s mind. They were definitely seeing each other. Pansy filed away that knowledge to use in the future.

 

She was doing a fine job of distracting herself from all of her other problems when she was distracted by Millicent Bulstrode plopping herself down on the sofa next to her.

 

“I’m upset and I could use a friend. And before you say anything, I know we’re not super close friends, and we’ve never had a serious talk like this, but I need to get something off my chest.”

 

Pansy looked at her roommate, horrified, “And what in the name of Salazar Slytherin would make you think that’s I’m the appropriate person to talk to about this?”

 

Millicent actually looked surprised by the answer, which in turn surprised Pansy, “Okay, Parkinson. That’s really rich coming from you. I’m constantly saddled with your bullshit and we’ve known each other for fifteen years and been living together for five and now starting on six of those years, I thought that maybe you had an ounce of compassion in you to comfort me, if only once. But no, you’re right, you are exactly the wrong person to ask about that, you self-absorbed twit.”

 

Millicent stormed off into their shared room, and Pansy felt strangely guilty. But what else could she have said? They weren’t friends, never had been. They were not the sorts of girls who shared real feelings, just fleeting things that hurt no one. Pansy rarely let anyone see how she really felt, that was a sign of weakness and frailty.

 

She shook her head, she’d just have to deal with Millicent later. She turned her attention back to the group of seventh years, who now had their textbooks and parchments away and were just sitting around the fire talking.

 

Max Selwyn was a tall, gangly, spotty young man with sloppy brown hair and patchy facial hair over a weak chin. He was sitting with his legs thrown over one arm of a squashy armchair and twirling his wand recklessly in his left hand. He was listening intently to Tamara Shafiq’s story and laughing occasionally with a loud, braying sound.

 

Tamara Shafiq was a gorgeous girl with dark brown skin that glowed in the firelight. She was curvy and short and was curled entirely into the chair she was sitting in, legs tucked under her long skirt. She gestured wildly with her hands as she told her story, occasionally adjusting the dark green headscarf that covered her hair.

 

Ciaran Sullivan was a very beautiful boy with sharp angles to his cheeks and a very defined chin. His red hair was wild with waves and curls, and he had a delicate laugh that colored his cheeks and made him look like a pixie. He leaned on Henry Burke, who had an arm thrown around Ciaran’s shoulders as they shared the sofa. Henry was a burly, handsome bloke with very short dark hair and a full beard, even at only seventeen. He frequently looked down at Ciaran with eyes that made Pansy’s heart throb; it was obvious that he was in love.

 

Their easy camaraderie and friendship made Pansy more jealous than she would ever admit. These four seemed as though they had no cares in the world, their only focus was on being teenagers, studying, and falling in love. Was she the sort of person who could step in there and bring the real world in? Could she bring herself to barge in on their safety and love and bring the Dark Lord to them?

 

_Maybe someday. But not today. School’s only just started, it’ll look suspicious if I go over there now and start talking about the Dark Lord. I’ll wait for an opening. Then I can fulfill my duty and make everyone proud._

But their laughter still drew her in, and she found herself wishing she could have even a moment of their lives, to have eyes that loving stare into hers, to chat easily in public, to ignore Voldemort and his cryptic notes.

 

She was lost in thought when the common room door opened and let in a gaggle of third years followed by Draco, Daphne, Tracey, and to Pansy’s surprise, Theo. They spotted her in the corner and made their way to her side. Draco and Daphne sat on either side of her while Theo took the closest chair at the table just across from them. Tracey remained standing.

 

“Where’s Millie?”

 

Pansy rolled her eyes, “She’s off sulking in our room. She was distracting me.”

 

“Distracting you from what? You didn’t have any classes today.”

 

“She was just being a pain, asking to talk about feelings or whatever. And out here in public where anyone could hear. Go handle your friend, she’s acting strange.” Pansy waved her hand dismissively.

 

“My friend.” Tracey paused then made to leave the room, “Yeah okay, Parkinson. Whatever.”

 

Pansy ignored her and the significant look that Daphne was giving her and turned to Theo, “Nott, you finally made it. What kept you?”

 

“My mother and I were busy trying to figure out how to handle my father’s estate now that he’s in Azkaban.” Theo sounded bored, like he was tired of telling the same story so many times.

“Sounds dreadful, Theo. I’m awfully sorry.” Daphne leaned over and gave him a reassuring pat on the knee.

 

“My mother and I had the same task this summer, it’s been awful. Luckily my father has had me involved in his affairs since I was very young. It’s a lot of work, running a Noble House,” Draco said.

 

Theo nodded, but didn’t respond. He took out his Potions textbook and started flipping through it.

 

Draco groaned, “Ugh, don’t remind me of Potions right now, Theo, put that shit away.”

 

“What happened?”

 

Daphne sighed, “Potter has suddenly become a Potions Master, apparently. There was a contest in class today, who could brew the best potion. Potter won, and Draco is sore.”

 

“I’m not sore! He must have cheated. Saint Potter has never been any good at brewing, he’s obviously cheating off of Granger. He shouldn’t have even been in the class, he didn’t get an O on his OWL. Slughorn is a ghoul of a teacher, Snape would have had us brewing that potion perfectly.”

 

“It’s a very difficult potion, Draco, not even you got it exactly right, and you’re top of the class. Not even Granger got it exactly right, and she’s sometimes even better than you are.”

 

“First of all, she’s never better than I am, not at Potions or at anything. She’s a Mudblood and she’s rubbish. Second, assuming Granger wasn’t helping, what is Potter up to that has him brewing perfect potions all of a sudden? If I didn’t have something far more important to do, I’d try to catch him at it.”

 

“What else do you have to do, Malfoy? It’s only the first week of classes.” Theo was right, and Draco was talking again like he had some larger, more important plan that didn’t involve schoolwork. Pansy wondered if it had something to do with the Dark Lord. She shuddered. If Voldemort had thought her ready for a mission, he surely had recruited Draco for something as well. She needed to get him alone again to talk.

 

“Nevermind that, I have to go.” Pansy was shaken out of her thoughts by Draco standing abruptly and heading for the door, a storm clouding his face.

 

“Are you going to another class?” She called after him.

 

“No!” He said over his shoulder.

 

“Draco, when are you coming back?”

 

“Whenever I want to, Pansy, you’re not my mother!” Draco was suddenly very angry, his fists were clenched at his sides as he spun on his heel and slammed the common room door behind him.

 

“What’s wrong with him?” Daphne asked, and Pansy was suddenly aware at how close they were sitting, their knees were touching and Daphne’s thigh was pressed along the length of hers. Pansy jumped away in shock but even as she adjusted her seating position, she could feel the warmth of Daphne’s leg through her skirt.

 

She didn’t want to think about what that warmth meant to her, or why her heart was beating so fast.


	8. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bonding, secrets, heartache.

CHAPTER EIGHT

 

 

 

The first few weeks of classes flew by in a blur. Pansy was shocked but pleased at how difficult her classes were suddenly getting, and she found that having Snape in charge of Defense Against the Dark Arts she was able to really focus and learn. Finally they had a competent teacher. She had been furious when Potter had used a shield charm so hard that he had thrown Snape across the room, and even more furious when Potter had the nerve to sass the professor. Detention was what he deserved, and she had a good laugh at Potter, Weasley, and especially Granger’s face when Potter had been issued a Saturday night detention so early in the year.

 

Ever since Draco’s completely unnecessary and dramatic exit from the common room, Pansy had been stuck with her other classmates for company. He had started skipping as many meals as Pansy did, but it was more obvious because he didn’t even bother showing up to the table to pretend to eat. Tracey and Millicent were avoiding Pansy completely, even drawing their bed curtains early every night and casting silencing spells so they could talk together with no interruptions. Daphne was around in the evenings and partnered with her during the few classes they shared, but she was so busy with homework that Pansy rarely saw her. Theo had always been a quiet, loner type, so Pansy never expected him to be around at all. That left Blaise.

 

Luckily, Pansy liked Blaise, and they spent a lot of time lounging around the grounds while the weather was fine and talking about Draco’s terrible mood or laughing at first years failing to learn to fly. He was the perfect partner for making fun of people and avoiding difficult conversations. As the weather grew colder and the wind picked up they moved their talks to the library, where their intimidating stares could get them any table they desired and plenty of privacy.

 

But they couldn’t avoid every tough conversation forever, and finally Blaise asked, “Pans, do you know what Draco is up to?”

 

Pansy sighed, “No, I don’t. I wish I did, he’s acting really weird and he’s gone all the time. I don’t remember the last time I saw him in the common room, and he barely eats.”

 

“Or sleeps,” Blaise added, nodding, “If I wake up in the middle of the night, most of the time he’s gone. He’s off wandering the castle somewhere and I can’t ever seem to find him. Crabbe and Goyle haven’t been around as much either, but they never skip meals or miss an hour of sleep so I’m not worried about them. I’m far more worried when Draco is on his own.

“Does it have something to do with…Him?” Blaise asked pointedly.

 

Pansy paused for a long time, pretending to read a book in front of her for several moments before finally answering in a whisper, “I think it does. Draco seems to have some sort of…task. I don’t know what it is or who else is involved, and I wear to Merlin if I find out you told anyone I’ll eviscerate you. I know a really good curse for that.”

 

Blaise raised his hands in mock surrender, but the fear and grief etched on his face couldn’t be hidden by a joke. Pansy sighed again then leaned into Blaise, putting her head on his shoulder in a sort of half-embrace. He put one arm around her shoulder, and she could feel his hands shaking.

 

“Blaise, there could be a place for you with them, if you wanted.” She breathed, the words barely making a sound, but he heard them and tensed.

 

“I don’t know if I want that. I don’t know if I want to be involved at all. I’m a little more of a sidelines man.”

 

“I know,” Pansy whispered, “But I want you safe. Draco wants you safe. Just think about it.”

 

“For Draco, I’d do almost anything.” Pansy sat up, mildly surprised. Blaise was staring into space, lost in thought, “He might not know it, but I know you’re not blind, Parkinson. I’d probably die for him if he needed me to. And I think you would too, isn’t that funny? I just want him to be all right. Do you think he knows that?”

 

“To be honest, Blaise, I don’t think he does. I think he thinks he’s all alone in this. But maybe he needs to hear it from you.”

 

“Instead of you? His girlfriend?” Blaise practically spat the word, which startled Pansy.

 

“I’m not his girlfriend, you know that. I’m barely anything more to him at all except a best friend and a comforting shoulder to lean on,” Pansy chuckles a little, “Or a lap to lie on. I knew you cared about him, but I had no idea how much.”

 

“I saw you kiss him. Everyone saw you kiss him.”

 

“I love him, Blaise. I love him with all my heart. Of course I’ve kissed him. But there’s a difference in the kind of love I feel and the kind I suspect you feel.” Blaise flushed but Pansy continued, “I know that Draco doesn’t love me the same way. I know he cares for me. He and I have been leaning on each other since we were tiny children. He’s been lying in my lap since the day we met. He’s a part of me and I of him, but we both know that it’s not the kind of love that ends in us getting married or having children. We’re not the together forever type. Our souls aren’t made for each other. We’re going to keep each other happy and safe until we can trust someone else to do it. He’s the man of my dreams, but dreams are for children. I’m more practical than I let on, you know.”

 

“You’ve always seemed so infatuated with him.”

 

“I am. He’s so precious and special to me. But not the way everyone assumes. I let them assume, it’s safe that way,” Pansy smiled sadly at Blaise, “And again, I swear on the Dark Lord himself if you repeat a single word of that to anyone I’ll hit you with that entrails-expelling curse that I learned. You don’t want to find out if I’m bluffing.”

 

He laughed a little, “Sorry to bring the mood down, Pans. I’ll think about what you said. And I’ll try to talk to Draco.”

 

“Talk to me? Why?”

 

Pansy and Blaise looked up to see Draco standing across the table from them, smirking but looking more exhausted and thinner than ever. Pansy stood up and ran around the table, throwing her arms around him and embracing him tightly.

 

“Draco, where have you been? We’ve barely seen you outside of classes!”

 

“My business, Pans, don’t worry about it.” He brushed her off and directed his attention towards Blaise, who was looking up at Draco like he was seeing the stars for the first time. Pansy wondered how she could have ever missed the blatant love on his face, and it made her heart skip a beat.

 

Draco continued, “Zabini, do you have the Transfiguration essay done? I’ve already missed one assignment and McGonagall will give me detention if I miss another one.”

 

Blaise’s face fell and he sat back hard in his seat, crossing his arms over his chest, “No I haven’t finished it yet. Barely started, really.”

 

“That’s what the others have said,” Draco frowned, “Guess I’ll just have to serve detention this time and catch up next week. Thanks anyways.” He turned a walked away with a quick kiss to Pansy’s forehead.

 

Pansy watched him go, then turned back to Blaise, who was fuming. “I’m sorry Blaise. That was really unkind of him.”

 

“Whatever, Parkinson. It’s fine. I’ll just let it go.” Blaise gathered his books, including his transfiguration book with his finished and polished essay tucked inside, and then strode out the door with his elegant nose held high.


	9. Chapter Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A date, a confession, a nightmare, a kiss long awaited and long desired.

CHAPTER NINE

 

 

Sure enough, Draco was given detention for missing two assignments in a row for McGonagall. Unfortunately, the detention was scheduled for during the first Hogsmeade trip of the year. Fortunately, this meant that she could go with anyone she wanted, and the Friday before Pansy decided it was time to take some action.

 

“Selwyn! Hey, Selwyn!”

 

She rushed down the corridor towards Max Selwyn, who looked confused that she was addressing him, “Hey, Parkinson. Haven’t talked to you in awhile. You alright?”

 

“Do you want to go to Hogsmeade with me?”

 

His mouth went wide and he blinked at her a couple of times before responding, “Yeah, I mean…yeah! Sure, of course. Yeah.”

 

“Excellent. Meet me in the Entrance Hall at about nine in the morning? We’ll get an early start, I don’t want to fight the crowds of children and Hufflepuffs in the pub.”

 

He nodded at her, looking a little dazed, and Pansy smirked as she said goodbye, blew him a kiss, then strutted away. She gave a little extra sway to her hips as she walked away, knowing he’d be checking her out.

 

They had been back at school for a month and Pansy had yet to make any progress on her mission. She was terrified, but wanted to make her mother and Draco proud, she knew how much her participation meant to them. Her roommates were still avoiding her, and even Daphne had been giving her more space than usual, which was difficult for Pansy. Draco was always disappearing from the common room and weekly prefect patrols. And Blaise’s company had become almost too melancholic to bear. So she turned her attention back to the seventh year students.

 

She had immediately focused on Max Selwyn. The Selwyn family was among the oldest and most respected of the Sacred Twenty Eight, which was a good foundation for the pureblood teachings of the Dark Lord. The Selwyns would have a lot to lose if the Muggles and Mudbloods took power, and Pansy had read in the Daily Prophet that Max’s father was speaking out against the new regulations against Dark artifacts the Ministry had implemented. He was also a bit of an outcast, even amongst his friends, which meant he was often alone, and that made him the perfect candidate for recruitment. With any luck, Pansy wouldn’t even have to try all that hard and she could get home from the Hogsmeade trip early.

 

When she returned to her dorm room that night, she was confronted by the sight of Daphne sitting on the edge of her bed, already in her pure white nightdress and her hair pulled back in that giant blue bow, and she was crying.

 

“Daph,” Pansy’s voice startled Daphne, who jumped and gasped, “Are you alright?”

 

“Hey, Pans, yeah I’m fine. I’m totally fine.” She wiped her face with the back of her hand and gave Pansy an unconvincing grin.

 

“What happened, did someone hurt you? Who was it, I’ll hex his balls off, I swear I will.”

 

“No, it’s not like that. I’m fine. Please forget about it.”

 

“Daph, you’re my friend, right? Talk to me please.”

 

Daphne shook her head, then asked pointedly, “Is it true you’re going to Hogsmeade with Max Selwyn tomorrow?”

 

“Yeah, I asked him today.”

 

“Why?”

 

Pansy paused, how could she explain to Daphne that she was doing work for the Dark Lord? How would Daphne even take it? Pansy had no clue at all where Daphne’s loyalties lay, it had never crossed her mind once to bring her in on the plan. Daphne was…well she was too pure for that. She was as pureblooded as they come but she was also just _pure_. Pansy didn’t know what to do with someone like that, how could she ever bring herself to corrupt Daphne? It was too late for her, but she could protect her friend.

 

“He comes from a good family. He’s not engaged or dating anyone, and I’m bored.” Pansy shrugged, “It seemed as good of a decision as any.”

 

“There are lots of good families,” Daphne murmured so low that Pansy thought she had misheard, “Well have fun tomorrow, Pansy. Good night.”

 

Pansy watched Daphne climb into bed and shut the curtains around her tightly before she could respond in kind. She sighed, then got up to do her nightly routine. Cream, potion, spell, cream, potion, charm, over and over her body until she was relaxed and ready for bed. As she was climbing into her own bed she saw Tracey moving from behind Millicent’s curtains and into her own. She hadn’t even known they were in there, their silencing charm was so strong. _If they’re sleeping together, why don’t they just stay in the same bed? Maybe Davis snores so Bulstrode kicks her out._ Pansy chuckled and pulled her curtains shut.

 

She woke up screaming again.

 

It had been weeks since she had woken herself up with a nightmare, her dreams hadn’t been good but that hadn’t been this bad in a while, not since that first night back to Hogwarts. She dreamed of Draco’s contorted body, green flashes of light, and a cold, high pitched laugh. She sat straight up in bed with tears running down her face and grabbed her wand from under her pillow, pointing it straight ahead at nothing. The curtain by her head shifted and opened and she aimed her wand that way, readying a stunning spell.

 

“It’s just me, Pans. I’m here.”

 

“Daphne.”

 

Daphne looked like an angel all in white with her golden hair messy around her face. The blue bow had fallen to the floor and her nightdress was skewed off one perfect shoulder. Pansy reached out instinctively and grabbed at Daphne’s hand, squeezing it hard and pulling her closer. Daphne climbed on the bed and embraced Pansy, hugging her tight and petting her hair and back. Pansy cried harder, letting her barriers break for just a moment. Daphne shushed her and held her tighter, adjusting them so Pansy was basically in her lap, even though Pansy was much taller.

 

Daphne’s back was against the headboard, and Pansy’s legs were thrown over hers so she was essentially being cradled. Pansy had her arms around Daphne’s tiny waist and had her face pressed to one of her shoulders, the one exposed by the oversized nightdress. She let her forehead rest against Daphne’s bare skin and just breathed, drowning in the scent of her, all lavender and soap and sleep. The scent and Daphne’s presence calmed her, and soon she had stopped crying and was starting to relax.

 

“Are you alright?”

 

Pansy looked up at her friend, whose beautiful green eyes were locked on hers, searching for something. Her hands were in Pansy’s hair, but they had stilled. They stared at each other for a couple of heartbeats, and when Pansy nodded Daphne’s lips came crashing down onto hers.

 

The world stopped turning.

 

Her heart stopped beating.

 

She responded immediately, moving her lips in time with the other girl’s, gripping her waist tighter and pulling her even closer, as if that were possible. They were tangled in each other and in the sheets, and Pansy couldn’t get enough. She moved her hands from Daphne’s waist to her face, to her hair, tugging at the strands and she raked her fingernails over her scalp, causing Daphne to moan and open her mouth, inviting Pansy’s tongue to invade. As their mouths danced Pansy readjusted her position and climbed into Daphne’s lap, straddling her legs and cupping her face and trailing her hands down her neck, her lips following as she placed large, open mouth kisses to Daphne’s pulse points, making the smaller girl gasp and writhe under her.

 

Daphne’s hands were wandering over the black silk of Pansy’s nightwear and when her thumbs brushed the underside of her breasts, Pansy inhaled sharply and bit down where Daphne’s neck met her shoulder, which made Daphne moan and jerk her hips up. The motion jolted Pansy back into reality, and with great difficulty she sat back and looked at the beautiful girl beneath her. She looked incredible, her nightdress had inched all the way up her thighs exposing her perfect legs, and she was flushed and disheveled. Her lips were swollen and pouty, and she looked at Pansy, concern etched all over her face.

 

“Is everything okay, Pans?”

 

Even though it broke her heart to say it, Pansy had to, “We can’t do this Daphne.”

 

Daphne sighed, “I figured you’d say that. Let me guess, is it because you think you’re protecting me from something? Is that something yourself? Do you think I’m too pure and sweet to be corrupted?” Pansy’s mouth fell open as she was caught by surprise by Daphne’s perceptiveness, “You don’t scare me, Pansy. But I know you’re going through something and you need to figure some stuff out. I know you care about me, and I hope you know that I’m mad about you. I sit by you and touch you every chance I get, I hold your hand when you’re sad, and it breaks my heart to see you with someone else, especially someone like Max Selwyn. I’ll be here when you sort yourself out, Pansy Parkinson. Just don’t make me wait too long.”

 

Daphne got out from underneath Pansy and closed the curtains behind her without looking back. Pansy let out a sigh and flopped onto her back, putting one arm over her eyes and groaning in frustration.


	10. Chapter Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Did anyone expect a seventeen year old boy to know how to take a girl on a good date?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a Very Bad Date complete with unwanted advances/slightly inappropriate touching (nothing too bad I swear) and horrible mansplaining and whatnot. Bad Male Shit. And Pansy's eating disorder rears its ugly head. If that's gonna bother you, you can skip this chapter. I'll put a tl;dr at the bottom

CHAPTER TEN

 

 

When Pansy woke up the next morning to go to Hogsmeade, Daphne’s curtains were still shut tight. She lingered in the door on her way out, looking back into the room and hoping that Daphne would wake up and open the curtains so she could say good morning.

 

No such luck, so Pansy steeled her resolve and went upstairs to the entrance hall. She was bundled up in her thickest robes and cloak, as the weather looked absolutely dreadful outside, matching her mood. Her fine cloak had built in warming and waterproofing charms but the sleet and wind still had her concerned. But she had bigger things to worry about.

 

Max Selwyn was late to meet her, and she stood alone in the entrance hall as wave after wave of third, fourth, and fifth year students raced past her to get their free weekend started. Most of them were paired off, especially the fifth years, as a trip to Hogsmeade was really the only time to go on a real date while in school. _So much for getting there_ early. Just as she was beginning to think that he had forgotten her, Pansy saw Max through the crowd heading towards her, waving.

 

“Sorry Pansy, I overslept!”

 

He certainly looked as though he had, as his clothes were all wrinkled and his hair was a disaster. Pansy merely nodded and smiled and waited for him to offer his arm, which never happened. He charged ahead, leading the way outside toward the line in front of Filch the caretaker, who was using a Secrecy Sensor to search everyone on their way out.

 

“What does it matter if we’re smuggling Dark stuff OUT?” A voice rang from up ahead, “Surely you ought to be checking what we bring back IN?”

 

Pansy laughed loudly until she saw who had said it- Ron Weasley. She rolled her eyes at him and Potter and Granger alongside him, but the sight of Filch giving Weasley a few extra jabs with the Sensor made her smile again.

 

When they finally got through the line and were heading to Hogsmeade, Pansy attempted to start a conversation with the now stony-faced Max.

 

“So Max, it’s been a long time since we’ve spent any time together, that’s really unfortunate. How is your seventh year going? Which NEWTS are you taking?”

 

“Oh so now you want to talk to me?” Max sneered and walked a little faster.

 

Pansy stopped still for a moment, mouth open in shock, then hustled to catch up with him.

 

“Of course I want to talk to you, that’s why I invited you here. It seemed a shame that we had fallen out of touch even though we live in the same dormitory.”

 

“You would rather talk to me than laugh at some Gryffindor bloke’s jokes, right?”

 

Pansy thought for a moment, then it dawned on her, “Are you talking about Weasley back there? Of COURSE I would rather talk to you than laugh at his jokes. I didn’t even know he was the one making the joke until after I had laughed! You can’t be sore about that, Max. He’s a horrible blood traitor, and a nerdy virginal goon at that. You have nothing to worry about.”

 

This seemed to cheer Max up, “Alright, so long as you’re not flirting with any other guy while we’re together. Or when we’re not together for that matter. You don’t have to make eyes at men for them to like you, it makes women look like whores when they try too hard. But you’re a pureblood and a beautiful one too. You know better.”

 

Pansy nodded, and swallowed before continuing, “Right, of course, you’re absolutely right.” She wasn’t entirely comfortable with the way he was speaking to her, but she chalked it up to him being nervous. She knew he wasn’t one to date often, and he probably just needed to be taught dating etiquette. And she wasn’t there to really date him, but to see if he would be a good recruit for the Dark Lord. And at only ten minutes into their date, signs were looking pretty good.

 

They reached the village and Pansy gestured toward the Three Broomsticks, the pub where all of the Hogwarts students usually went, but Max shook his head.

 

“That place is for children. We’re going to a real pub.”

 

He led the way over to The Hogs Head, the shady pub down at the far end of the lane. Pansy was getting a little nervous, she knew the place was dirty and had a rougher clientele, and they were getting further and further away from the other students. But she nodded anyways, figuring that if they were going to have a secret talk about Dark things, the Hogs Head was the better choice.

 

It was as dirty as she expected, with a tall, old, angry looking bartender with a long white beard behind the counter cleaning filthy glasses with a filthier rag. The floor was sticky and the tables were wobbly and the only other person in the place was a grungy looking vagabond sitting at the bar. Max told Pansy to pick a table and went to the bar to order drinks. She chose a table in the furthest, darkest corner with a bench against the wall so she knew no one was behind her and tried to Vanish some of the grime from the table top away with a flick of her wand, but she only succeeded in revealing some old scratchings in the wood. “SB+RL” and “Prongs loves Evans” were the only ones she could read. She shrugged and removed her outermost cloak, revealing handsome and flattering midnight blue winter robes underneath.

 

Max came back to the table with two tumblers of smoking liquid and sat across from her.

 

“Firewhiskey, Ogden’s Finest. I bet you haven’t had this before.”

 

Pansy had, of course, but she smiled and took a sip anyways. It was delicious, and she didn’t cough at all. Max looked impressed, then took a sip of his drink and started sputtering immediately. Pansy tried not to laugh as he regained his composure. He was trying to show off for her, and she found that hilarious and useful.

 

“So Max, why don’t you tell me what you’ve been working on this year so far?”

 

“Well I’m taking my NEWTs in Potions, Arithmancy, Ancient Runes, History of Magic and Herbology.”

 

“History of Magic? Why?”

 

“It’s easy, mostly, it’s pretty much a guaranteed O if you’re smart enough.” He puffed up his chest and took another sip of his whiskey, coughing less than the first drink.

 

“And Potions and Herbology together, that sounds useful. What are you hoping to do with that?”

 

“Well obviously I want to be a Potions Master, but Snape doesn’t take on apprentices anymore. Claims he’s ‘too busy’ though he’s only a professor so I can’t imagine with what.”

 

 _I can_ , Pansy thought.

 

“And anyways, there are better things to do with my time I think. There’s most money in sales and production than in mastery, you know.”

 

Pansy was getting bored with his pompous way of speaking and decided to start trying to turn the conversation towards her goal, “I read what your father said about the Ministry’s restrictions on Dark artifacts, are you of a similar mind?”

 

“Naturally, the Ministry has no place in our business. And not all those who own or are interested in Dark artifacts are Dark wizards, after all.”

 

“I completely agree. There are those who I know and have spoken to who agree as well and who…want to change such things. Rules on Dark magic, among other such…undesirable laws.”

 

Max leaned in, suddenly very interested, and Pansy took a long sip of her firewhiskey to punctuate her statement. _This is going to be easier than I thought._

 

“And these people who you’ve spoken with, they have the power to make such things happen?”

 

“I think you know that they do.”

 

Max moved faster than Pansy could blink and suddenly he was on the bench next to her, with an arm around her shoulders, leaning in very, very close.

 

“I’m…extremely interested in meeting these friends of yours, Pansy,” his hand wandered down from her shoulder so that his fingertips were barely brushing the top of her breast. She shuddered but didn’t pull away, “And I’d love to get to know you a little better. Did you bring me here to just talk business, or were you hoping for a little something more?”

 

Pansy swallowed hard and managed to maintain eye contact, but she was getting really nervous, “Why do we have to define what brought us here, anyways? Can’t we just enjoy a drink and chat?” She took another drink of her firewhiskey, mostly to have something to do. She was starting to feel a little lightheaded from the drink, which was very strong.

 

Max laughed and sat back a little, “I can see you’re as proper as you ought to be. My closeness makes you nervous. I understand, you’re a good young pureblooded witch. Don’t worry Pansy, I promise not to ravish you today. We’ll get to know each other better first.” He winked at her, and Pansy flushed further, not out of attraction but out of nervousness.

 

“Merlin, I’m famished, aren’t you?” Pansy threw back the rest of her drink smoothly and stood up, “I really could use something to eat, that whiskey was very strong. Won’t you accompany me to somewhere where the food will come on cleaner plates? The Three Broomsticks perhaps? They make a surprisingly good stew that sounds like just the thing on this freezing cold day.”

 

She started to put on her outer cloak, but Max put a hand on her shoulder. He took the cloak from her hands and draped it over her, latching the expensive silver cloak pin for her.

 

“Allow me to pay, my dear. You’ve done me a great service today and I have such high hopes for the future. I simply insist on paying for your food.”

 

Pansy nodded and smiled in what she hoped was a demure fashion, but she certainly felt less demure and more disgusted. She let him lead the way out of the pub and gave the bartender a sarcastic little wave as she stepped into the blustering wind.

 

As they approached the Three Broomsticks they saw Potter and his friends leaving with a large group of Gryffindors and a few Hufflepuffs, including a girl whom she recognized from the Gryffindor Quidditch team.

 

“Good! Now that Potter, that Mudblood, and the Blood Traitor are leaving it’ll smell better in there.” Pansy muttered, and Max laughed cruelly.

 

“That was positively nasty Pansy, I’m impressed.”

 

Pansy nodded and let Max hold the door open for her. She immediately went to an open but clearly just deserted table and waved and snapped at the bar to find someone to wipe it down for her. Madame Rosmerta was nowhere to be seen, but her assistant ran over with a rag and cleaned the table, piling the dishes and using his wand to Hover the dirty dishes out in front of him as he ran back into the kitchen.

 

Max helped her remove her cloak and Pansy heard a piercing scream coming from outside. The rest of the bar heard it too, and the room went silent but no one got up to investigate.

 

“It’s probably just one of the smaller kids having a laugh.”

 

“Or maybe a girl slipped down the hill.”

 

The room buzzed with comments and soon the noise level had returned to normal. Pansy and Max sat for a few minutes making casual conversation about school (Max did most of the talking of course) before they noticed Madame Rosmerta still hadn’t come back to the bar and there was no one with whom to place their order. Pansy excused herself to use the facilities when Max chose to start ranting about how abysmal the service was and how he’d never return again. She agreed that the service was horrendous, but she would rather eat there a hundred times before subjecting herself to the Hogs Head again.

 

She opened the door to the bathroom and was greeted with a strange sight. Madame Rosmerta was there, standing in the middle of the room, eyes closed and swaying slightly.

 

“Madame Rosmerta? Are you alright? We need you out there you know, this is quite unprofessional.”

 

The sound of Pansy’s voice seemed to startle Rosmerta back to herself and she gasped loudly, clutching a hand to her chest.

 

“Merlin’s beard, girl! Don’t scare a woman like that! Goodness, the nerve.”

 

Pansy gaped at Rosmerta as she gathered herself and walked unsteadily out of the bathroom and back into the pub. She shook her head and went about her business, stopping to look herself in the mirror as she washed her hands. Her reflection was bright pink, the flush going from high on her prominent cheekbones all the way down her neck and coloring her chest. She splashed a little water on herself to cool down but it didn’t help much. She was a little drunk and very on edge. _Only another hour or so, Pansy. You can do it. Just get back into the dungeon and you can see Daphne or Draco and all will be fine._

 

Back in the pub, Max was devouring his miniature cauldron of stew with gusto, spilling some of it on his robes, which made Pansy wince. She sat down in front of her own stew and picked at it slowly, isolating a carrot here, an onion there, one potato chunk only, maybe a little beef. It was just as good as she’s always thought and warmed her right down to her bones. But as she looked at it she could see the droplets of oil collecting on the sides of the cauldron and along the top of the broth, and with each small bite she took she could taste all of the salt and everything that would make her fat. After only a few bites she couldn’t take it anymore and shoved it away.

 

“You’re not going to finish that? I thought you said you were starving.”

 

“I’m quite full now. It was very delicious. You may finish the rest if you like.” She added as she saw him eyeing the leftover stew.

 

“Thanks, don’t mind if I do.” He shoveled the stew into his mouth with such speed it made Pansy feel ill. She sipped at the glass of Rosmerta’s famous mead that Max had ordered for her while she was in the bathroom and relished the honey flavor on her tongue. It wasn’t helping her sober up, but it was taking away the gnawing, empty feeling in her stomach.

 

After Max had polished off both servings of stew he asked if she wanted to return to the castle, and Pansy nodded. She was quite finished with the date and simply wanted to climb back into bed. _The bed where Daphne…no, stop thinking about that._

 

The walk back was long and freezing cold, but Pansy’s cloak was doing a fairly good job of keeping out the worst of the wind. Finally walking back into the castle after being poked at again by Filch felt like heaven, it was so warm and comfortable. Pansy heaved a sigh of relief.

 

“Oh I hear you sighing, are you that upset that our date has ended?” Max smirked at her, and she noticed he had a piece of vegetable stuck in his teeth. She grimaced.

 

“I did have a lovely time, Max. We of course must continue our very important conversation another time. I know we’re both busy with our NEWT classes, but I’m sure I’ll see you around. Have a lovely rest of your day.” Pansy curtsied a little and made to leave, but Max caught her arm and pulled her in tight to his chest.

 

“If you change your mind and want to rebel a little, you know where to find me.” He whispered in her ear, making the hairs on the back of her neck stand straight up. His free hand found her lower back and started to inch even lower, but Pansy freed herself quickly.

 

“I’ll keep that in mind. Now if you’ll excuse me.”

 

She turned on her heel and made for the door that would take her the quickest way to the dungeons, but then she saw Daphne. She was standing at the door looking very upset and had clearly seen that entire exchange, including Max’s rather inappropriate hand placement. Pansy stopped dead in her tracks and looked at her friend, who gave her a small frown before running away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tl;dr they go on a date, it's a Very Bad Date, Max is REALLY eager to join up with the Cause, Daphne sees Max try to grab for Pansy's ass and gets real sad. Pansy can't even enjoy a food she knows she likes because she's afraid of being fat. Angst angst angst. 
> 
> I appreciate you no matter if you read it or not. <3


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A couple of conversations, and a couple uses of the C word. Mind the tags.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

 

 

Pansy spent the rest of her weekend behind her curtains, only emerging to use the bathroom. She had spent Saturday night scouring her teeth and mouth trying to get the taste of stew out, and in the shower she scrubbed her skin raw wherever Max had touched her. She felt disgusting. She felt used. She felt manipulative and gross. And she felt lonely.

 

The power that she knew she had over people had been finally used for Dark purposes and while she relished knowing she had earned the respect of her parents, she shuddered when she thought about the Dark Lord and what he would possibly do or say when she saw Him next. Would He be proud? Would He demand more? Did she not do enough to please Him? She couldn’t be sure, and that terrified her.

 

And worse was she couldn’t look Daphne in the eye. The image of Daphne’s face as she stood in that doorframe was etched into her soul. She had never seen so much disappointment and heartbreak in one look. One small frown from her and Pansy felt as though her heart was going to rip itself from her chest.

 

When she finally emerged from her bed early Monday morning she learned a few things. First, that a Gryffindor girl had been cursed in Hogsmeade, which explained the scream Pansy had heard while in the Three Broomsticks. Second, apparently someone had heard Potter accusing Draco of cursing her.

 

“How DARE he?!”

 

“Pansy, please lower your voice.”

 

“Who does he think he is?! Just because he’s got Dumbledore up his arse doesn’t mean he can just say whatever he wants!”

 

“I know, Pans. We all know. Can you please quiet down?”

 

Blaise was lying on his back in the empty common room at lunchtime on Monday, his arm thrown dramatically over his eyes. They were the only two in the room, which meant Pansy could shout and rant and rave all she liked. She kicked over a chair and flopped down on the armchair across from the sofa Blaise had taken up.

 

“I haven’t seen Draco in ages, every time I spot him across the room or in class he looks away and hurries off when I try to catch him outside of class. Blaise, why won’t he talk to me?”

 

“You think I know? He won’t even look at me, and we share a room. At least I thought we shared a room, he’s nowhere to be found most nights. Out of anyone in the world you know how much that hurts, Pans.”

 

Pansy nodded sadly, “I just wish I could help him. He looks terrible.”

 

“Honestly, so do you Pansy. Did you leave your bed once this weekend?”

 

Pansy threw a pillow at his head, “Fuck you, Blaise. I went on a date on Saturday if you must know.”

 

“Oh yeah, with Max Selwyn.”

 

“Did you see us?”

 

“No, Daphne told me at breakfast. You know she dated him right?”

 

“WHAT?!”

 

“Again with the shouting, Parkinson, I won’t tell you anything if you insist on making me go deaf. Yes, they dated for a couple of months last year. Honestly, don’t you ask any of your roommates about their lives or is it all just ‘Pansy, Pansy, Pansy’ all the time?”

 

Pansy was in shock. She hadn’t known any of this, how could she have missed it? How could she have been living with Daphne all year long and missed that she was in a relationship with someone for a significant period of time? And why wouldn’t Daphne have mentioned it?

 

“I had no idea. I thought she hadn’t ever dated anyone.”

 

“That’s hilarious Pansy. Unless you’re serious?”

 

Pansy threw another pillow at his head, “Like the plague, Zabini. Tell me everything.”

 

“Why am I supposed to tell you everything? Why can’t you just ask? And why are you getting so angry? She’s your roommate, and a beautiful girl. You shouldn’t expect her to remain a stuck up prude just because you are.”

 

Pansy threw a third pillow at his head, but he caught it and threw it back, “No Pans, this sounds like your problem that you need to fix. I know you’ve got a whole ‘I’m too dangerous to talk to’ vibe thing going for you, and believe me I respect it a lot, but she’s supposed to be your friend. Even evil witches like you have friends.” He got up and went for the door.

 

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” She demanded.

 

“Lunch, you crazy bitch. I know you’ve taken a vow against anything fun or enjoyable, but I’m hungry and the elves usually make a stroganoff on Mondays that I would kill someone for. You can mope around here all you want but you’ll have to do it alone for the rest of the day. Go get your homework done if you’re just going to sit here.

 

She sat for a while after he had left and just stared into space. He was right. It was one thing to hate or avoid most people on principle, but it was another thing to call someone your friend and then not actually know anything about them. She had that hammered into her brain as a first year Slytherin, friendships and loyalty amongst your housemates were what protected you and gave you strength. And Pansy was feeling pretty in need of some strength.

 

But everyone else was in classes for the rest of the day, so she gathered her bag and went to the library to get some Ancient Runes homework done. The library wasn’t as comfortable as a common room but the noise level was exactly right and she didn’t have to worry about checking out a book she might need. Plus in the middle of the day it was mostly NEWT students, the younger grades were all in class.

 

She scored a perfect table near the Ancient Runes section of the library and set to work. She was actually getting a lot of work done when she was interrupted by a whispered conversation in the next set of shelves loud enough for her to hear but not understand. She tried to tune them out, but they were being so noisy she decided to get up and force them to be quiet. But before she could turn the corner and see the speakers, she heard her name whispered as part of the conversation.

 

“Yeah I saw him with Parkinson in the entrance hall after Hogsmeade, he had his hand all over her arse. They’re obviously sleeping together.”

 

“That doesn’t surprise me, she’s always been such a slut. I heard she was caught blowing Malfoy in the Quidditch locker room after the last game of the year last year.”

 

“She did? I hadn’t heard that. Good to know.” The first voice scoffed, “She’s honestly such a bitch, I don’t know what anyone sees in her.”

 

“They don’t talk to her much I bet, not much chance for talking when your mouth is full, eh?”

 

The two voices collapsed into giggles and Pansy’s heart sank and all color drained from her face. She decided to keep listening while she thought of what to say to these idiots.

 

“I’m planning on asking Ron out after the next Quidditch game.”

 

“You are? Great! It’s about time, really. He’s definitely interested in you.”

 

“Do you really think so? I hope he is, I really want to kiss those freckles right off his face, he’s so cute! And so tall.”

 

“You’re so lucky. I just hope he’s grown up a little, he was horrible to my sister two years ago at the Yule Ball.”

 

“I know, but we’re sixteen now, practically adults. I’m sure he’s more mature now.”

 

Pansy now recognized the speakers as Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil, both Gryffindors from her year. And they were talking about Ronald Weasley! Pansy wanted to either throw up or laugh, but she decided to do neither in favor of revealing herself by strutting around the corner, head held high.

 

“If you two air-headed morons would just shut your ginger cock-sucking mouths then maybe the intelligent people in the room could actually get anything done. Or are you too busy spreading vicious lies and making yourselves look like even bigger cunts than previously thought?

The two girls had their mouths wide open; clearly they didn’t know she was in the library let alone right next to them.

“Patil, I thought your face was too busy sucking at Trelawney’s tit to even learn how to read, why are you in the library?

Parvati went to stand up in anger but Lavender put her hand on her shoulder to keep her down. _Wise choice_.

“And…Brown is it? Somehow, and I didn’t think this was possible, you’re too much of a bottom feeder to even bag a Weasley. So good luck with that!

The Gryffindors tried to interrupt in anger, but Pansy held up a finger to stop them.

“As for me? I heard every word you said about me, and I know it won’t do me any good to deny it, but what you said was all false. Not that you have the brains to recognize the truth. And you might not believe me but I’m possibly the most dangerous person you’ll ever meet in person, so I’d suggest putting a clamp on those lips before I spell them shut. Got it? Now get the fuck out of my section of the library before I make your insides your outsides!”

 

She delivered all of this in a harsh whisper and punctuated it by pointing to the door. Lavender and Parvati gathered their things and ran for the exit, whispering to each other and looking back over their shoulders as they made their escape.

 

Pansy sat down back at her table feeling vindicated and triumphant, but upset. She knew better than to let little worms like them dictate her self-esteem, but it always hurt to overhear anyone talking about you and your personal matters behind your back. She shook her head and went back to work, but only a minute or so passed before she was interrupted again with a tap on the shoulder.

 

“Thank you for saying something to them. They were being really loud and horrible.”

 

Pansy looked up into the face of her roommate Millicent Bulstrode.

 

“Finally talking to me, Millie?”

 

Millicent smiled at the use of her childhood nickname, “I did kind of put you through the ringer there for a while. To be fair, you were being a huge cunt.”

 


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A couple of conversations, and Pansy eats a meal.

CHAPTER TWELVE

 

 

The unusually freezing October air was seeping in through the cracks in the castle walls, so the girls took the walk back from the library to the dungeons at a brisk pace, rubbing their hands together to try to stay warm. When they finally reached the Slytherin common room the space was full of their housemates, no one willing to spend their free time anywhere but around their fire. The fire was crowded with the fifth year students who had somehow gotten there first, but Pansy and Millicent strode right in the middle of them to lay claim to part of the fire, glaring down anyone who dared open their mouths to stop them

 

After getting suitably warmed up they went to their shared room. Their roommates weren’t there, Pansy assumed they were in the library or finishing up a class. She turned to Millicent, who was standing next to her bed, picking at her nails.

 

Pansy sighed, “I’m sorry Mill. I was really mean to you. It’s been a weird few months and I’m not really sure how to be a friend right now. And I know we’ve been friends for a long time but we’ve never been the type to share our feelings, have we?”

 

“You’re right, we’ve always just taken the mickey out of each other. I sprung that conversation on you out of nowhere. You were still horrible about it.”

 

“True. Do you want to talk about it now?”

 

“No, I know you don’t actually want to hear it, and I’m dealing with it. Tracey has been helping.”

 

“Are you two sleeping together? You know I don’t mind but just be careful so none of us have to see you going at it. I’d rather that image stay out of my mind forever.”

 

Millicent laughed, “No, we’re not. Are you and Daphne?”

 

Pansy froze. The shock and shame must have been obvious on her face, because Millicent chuckled.

 

“I thought so. Just remember your silencing charms, alright Parkinson?”

 

Pansy came back to her sense and tried to deny everything, “No, no, it’s not like that. We’re not sleeping together.”

 

“Why not? You two have been dancing around each other for ages, you should just get it over with and fuck.”

 

“Eww, no. Don’t say it like that. Even if we were it wouldn’t be _fucking._ It’s…complicated.”

 

“It doesn’t have to be.”

 

Pansy just stared at Millicent, who shrugged and knelt by her trunk, rummaging through it for something. Pansy shook her head and went to her own bed and sat on the edge, undoing her green and silver tie and untying her shiny black shoes. Was it really that complicated? Did it need to be? Could she just allow herself to be with Daphne and not have it be weird? _No, that’s impossible. She’s so sweet and innocent…_ but Pansy suddenly remembered that Daphne had lied to her, or at least hadn’t told her about Max. She had dated him, and for a couple of months, and she hadn’t mentioned it once. She must have been devastated that Pansy went on a date with her ex, must have felt so betrayed and upset, and hadn’t said a word. Pansy started to worry that maybe she didn’t know Daphne as well as she thought. Maybe she didn’t know her at all.

 

The door opened, startling Pansy out of her thoughts and revealing Daphne herself, buried under a large pile of books and papers, all of which she nearly dropped when she saw Pansy sitting on her bed. Pansy stood up quickly, knocking her tie to the ground. Daphne dropped all of her schoolwork onto her own bed and smiled shyly at Pansy.

 

“Hey Pansy.”

 

“Hi Daphne.”

 

Millicent groaned from her corner of the room, “Oh Merlin I can’t be here!” and stomped out of the room, slamming the door behind her with a quiet frustrated scream. Pansy giggled at this dramatic display, and Daphne just looked confused.

 

“She’s in a mood,” Pansy explained, “But we’re talking again.”

 

“That’s good, I’m really glad. Having half the room not talking to you was getting really annoying. Tracey will come around tonight, probably.”

 

They shared a smile that quickly turned awkward, and the girls looked away from each other quickly and went back to tidying up their own spaces. Pansy risked a glance over to Daphne, who was looking right back at her, and they looked away again.

 

“Hey Daph, I think we should talk.”

 

“Yes, you’re right. We should.”

 

“Why didn’t you tell me you dated Max?”

 

Daphne looked shocked, like she didn’t expect the conversation to take that turn, “What do you mean?”

 

“You dated Max last year, for a couple of months I heard. Why didn’t you tell me when you heard I had a date with him?”

 

“I… I didn’t think it was important. I was the one who called things off. I figured if you liked him you deserved a chance to date him without me interfering.”

 

“So you’re not mad at me for going on a date with him? Just so you know, we’re NOT dating. Max and I. Definitely not. He’s kind of disgusting, actually.”

 

Daphne laughed, “He really is! I wish now that I had told you about him so you wouldn’t have had to be alone with him. I don’t know how I was with him for so long, all he did was try to make passes at me, then make fun of me if I wanted to take a new step in our relationship. But honestly, he’s older and he’s tall and I was more smitten than I should have been.”

 

“We all make mistakes.”

 

“Yes, we do.”

 

The two witches looked at each other for a moment. Pansy’s face grew warm and her heart started beating faster. All she could think about was the kiss they had shared and how big of a mistake it was. She couldn’t start things with Daphne, not now. Not when she had a mission to carry out, the Dark Lord sending her ominous messages, and Daphne’s weird ex-boyfriend trying to sleep with her. It was too much and too weird and she wanted to protect Daphne from all of it. She was worth too much to risk her getting tangled in her problems.

 

She coughed and broke the eye contact, pretending not to see Daphne’s face fall, “Anyways, I better start getting ready for bed.”

 

“Pans, it’s barely dinner time.”

 

“I’m not hungry, I’m just tired. Maybe I’ll read a little before bed but honestly I’m exhausted.”

 

“You should really eat something.”

 

“I’ll call a house elf later if I’m feeling up to it. Thanks Daph, you just go. If you see Draco tell him I’m furious with him. And try your tricks on him to get him to eat. I’m pretty sure he’s only eaten green apples for the past week.”

 

Daphne looked at her with soft eyes but didn’t push it; she just walked out of the room without looking back. Pansy flopped onto the bed with a groan. A loud grumble erupted from her stomach and Pansy tried to remember when she had eaten last. _It’s Monday evening now and the last thing I ate was…the stew at the Three Broomsticks on Saturday. But before that…_ She couldn’t quite remember, it had been a long time. She groaned louder. She should eat something. Not even witches could go more than a few days without needing food. Reluctantly she got up from her bed, put her shoes and tie back on, and made her way up to the Great Hall for dinner.

 

The Great Hall was all decked out for Halloween, which was in a couple weeks. Jack O’ Lanterns and candles floated in the air, giving the whole room a spooky and ominous feel. Pansy hated it. Though she would never admit it to anyone, she much preferred the Great Hall at Christmas. She loved the warm and cozy trees and garlands and firelight. The scary pumpkin faces were a little too well carved and lifelike to be fun for her. She made her way to the Slytherin table, trying not to draw attention to herself.

 

“Hey Pansy! You finally decided to show your face!” Blaise shouted from their usual spot at the long table.

 

Pansy sent him a rude gesture but sat between him and Theo anyways, across from Daphne who was smiling.

 

“I’m glad you changed your mind,” Daphne leaned in, “It’s good to see you up here.”

 

“Trust me, I wasn’t going to come.” Pansy looked around the room, “Where’s Draco?”

 

“Malfoy isn’t here yet. He might not come at all. He eats less than you do these days, and that is saying something.” On the other side of Theo, Millicent was piling a plate full of vegetables and fruit with a little roast chicken on the side, and she slid it in front of Pansy. Her heart melted at the gesture and she raised her glass of water in salute to her friend, who waved it off.

 

“Just eat Parkinson, shit.”

 

Their little group laughed, and Pansy joined in as she lifted a slice of stewed tomato to her lips. _It’s not going to hurt you, it’s a tomato, and it’s healthy._ She took a bite and the savory juices flooded her mouth and dripped down her chin, startling her and making her laugh harder. She ate the entire tomato before she cleaned herself up with her napkin, and as she dabbed her chin she tried to catch Daphne’s eye. Daphne was staring at her lips, and licked her own. Pansy’s heart sped up and when Daphne finally looked up, the eye contact was charged. She could practically see the sparks flying between them. _Oh Salazar, I’m a goner._

 

She focused instead on eating more from her plate. She ate a couple bites of chicken and some cooked carrots and even risked a small bite of mashed potatoes before surrendering. She felt warm and satisfied surrounded by her laughing friends and delicious food, and for a moment the Dark Lord seemed a million miles away. But then Draco walked in the Hall looking like he had been raised from the dead, his normally perfect hair was longer, greasier, and disheveled, his robes were askew, his tie was missing, and his eyes were dead and lifeless. Pansy’s blood ran cold.

 

“Hey all, Draco’s here.”

 

The whole group of sixth year Slytherins and a few hangers-on turned to look at the blonde wizard, who was looking at the floor and walking as quickly as he could toward them. When he reached the table he sat himself directly across from Pansy, practically shoving Daphne off the bench.

 

“Pansy, I need to talk to you. It’s important.”


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is it really a fanfiction if there isn't a game of magical truth or dare? I mean really.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

 

Pansy put her foot down and actually successfully managed to convince Draco to take a few bites of the roast chicken before she followed him out of the Hall, glaring at anyone who tried to follow them. He led her down towards the dungeons, but instead of going into the common room, he went for an unused classroom near the Potions laboratory.

 

“What is it, Draco? What’s wrong?”

 

“You’re such a fucking idiot, Pansy.”

 

Pansy put a hand on her hip, unamused and growing angry, “First of all, how dare you? Second of all, I’m the only ally you have here, so don’t you start by pissing me off.”

 

“Why Selwyn? Why that creep? Are you so dense?”

 

“He’s from a good old pureblooded family, he’s a little sadistic, and frankly, I didn’t know where else to start! You’re not helping me in this so I took the lead on my own.”

 

“You were recruiting him?!” Draco practically shouted, “He said you two were fucking, and then he took a swing at me for ‘defiling’ you, then tried to strangle me with my own tie before I could get away! He’s horrific! How could you sleep with him?”

 

“Okay wow, first of all, I never slept with him. We went on one date to Hogsmeade and I spent the entire time keeping his hand off of my shoulder and my arse and trying to get him over to the Cause. Second, how dare you come at me with accusations like that? I thought you knew and trusted me more than that. I thought we told each other everything! I thought that you would be by my side in this. Together, you said. I thought we’d do this together, that we’d be elevated together, that we’d keep each other safe. But you’ve been avoiding me and leaving me alone with creeps like Selwyn, who quite frankly is a perfect recruit and I absolutely aced this mission. He’s also bound to tell his pureblooded friends like Shafiq, Sullivan, and Burke. So tell me again how I’m the one who’s a fucking idiot, Draco!”

 

Pansy’s eyes were stinging with tears and her fists were clenched by her side. Draco’s shoulders slumped and he leaned heavily on a nearby desk.

 

“I’m so sorry Pansy. I’m so sorry. Please come here and forgive me.” He put his arms out for an embrace, which Pansy hesitantly stepped into.

 

“Don’t leave me alone, Draco. It’s been shit without you. And Blaise is worried about you too.”

 

“I know. I’ve been avoiding him even more than I’ve been avoiding you.”

 

“Is it because he’s in love with you or because you’re in love with him?”

 

Draco stiffened then whispered into her hair, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, and I don’t love anyone. Except maybe you.”

 

“Then I’m right.” Pansy murmured with her lips pressed into his shoulder, “You two are such morons. I know you love me, but you get so weird when he’s around. And you’re avoiding him, which makes no sense. Just kiss him and get it over with.”

 

“I can’t do that, you know that. I have a mission and I can’t have anything complicating that right now.”

 

“I do know that,” Pansy sighed, “I know that better than anyone.”

 

They stood in that embrace for a while before Draco whispered, his voice cracking slightly, “Is he really in love with me?”

 

Pansy laughed, and kissed him on the mouth for a moment before pulling away and smiling into his perfect, sad grey eyes.

 

 

\---

 

 

The next couple of weeks went about as smoothly as possible. Max Selwyn showed back up at breakfast the morning after his fight with Draco with a black eye, refusing to talk about it. He spent a lot of time glaring at Pansy, who took to walking with any group that included Crabbe and Goyle to and from what few meals she chose to attend. Classes were steadily getting harder and harder and Pansy found herself most nights curled up with one of her many textbooks either in front of the fire or by the lake window watching the sun go down. She found the motion of the green lake water very soothing, and every once in a while a creature would swim by and stare in. The mermaids were fearsome looking but usually responded with a kind of salute if a student gave them a wave, and the grindylows would gnash their teeth and often tried to bite through the glass, resulting in them being magically repelled back with a quiet shriek.

 

October passed, and November dawned cold and clear. The first Quidditch game of the season was rapidly approaching and Pansy found that she was actually looking forward to it, despite not knowing anything about the sport. She loved watching Draco fly, and Crabbe and Goyle were back on the team this year as the Slytherin Beaters, using their size and strength to their fullest potential.

 

After their heated argument in the classroom before Halloween, Draco had been better about coming to meals and talking to his friends, but he still hadn’t done anything about Blaise, who was moping around more and more and getting on Pansy’s nerves. She would come back from classes sometimes and find him sprawled on her bed (she couldn’t get him to tell her how he was able to get in the girls’ room) eating sweets and moaning about something Draco had said or done, or more accurately, what Draco had not said or not done.

 

But the morning of the Quidditch match arrived and suddenly Draco was nowhere to be seen. Pansy heard from Donovan Urquhart, the Captain of the team and lead Chaser, that Draco had begged off sick and was on his way to the hospital wing, but when Pansy skipped breakfast to run up there, Draco was nowhere to be seen and Madame Pomfrey hadn’t seen him yet. Pansy had to tear herself away from the nurse, who tried to get her to lie down and take a nutrient potion, saying she looked dreadful and needed to eat something. Pansy relented on the nutritional potion, and after she drank it, she actually felt a lot better. She found the energy to run down to the pitch and up the steep steps to the Slytherin section, where she and her classmates waited for the match to start.

 

It was a disappointing match. Their best goal scorer was out on an injury, Potter somehow caught the snitch right from under Harper’s glove (Pansy was sure if it had been Draco he would have caught it), Weasley saved almost every single goal that came his way, and Crabbe and Goyle were only able to hit the bludgers a handful of times, succeeding in merely distracting the Gryffindor team’s Chasers and hitting Thomas once in the shoulder but not making him drop the Quaffle. Slytherin lost by several hundred points and they slumped back to the dungeons, angry and freezing.

 

They lounged around the common room for a while as some of the younger students started slowly trickling to bed. Soon all that were left were the sixth and seventh year students.

 

Henry Burke stood up, looked around the room, and when he had confirmed that only students from the higher years remained, he spoke aloud, “Finally, the babies are abed! We can start drinking.”

 

From seemingly out of nowhere, he and Ciaran Sullivan pulled out two large bottles of firewhiskey to the sound of cheering from their fellow students.

 

Blaise, who was closest to the firewhiskey, reached for the bottle but Henry held it out of reach, “A little twist though, to make this fun and interesting and not just a bunch of sad sods drinking in corners feeling sorry for ourselves, we’re adding a fun element to this evening’s proceedings.

 

Ciaran drew a tiny vial of clear liquid from his robes and waved it in the air, and Pansy felt as though her stomach had fallen through the floor. _It can’t be._

“Veritaserum! We’re playing Veritaserum or dare, people! If you’re too much of a coward to get dirty with us, you can go to bed now.”

 

No one moved, and Ciaran opened one of the bottles, drank a mouthful, then filled it back up with the truth potion. It was obvious that they had done this before, they had measured out the exact right amount to encourage truth telling but not poison anyone. Ciaran shook the bottle up with a sly smile on his face as they put the two bottles on the table in front of the fire. Everyone gathered around and formed a messy circle. Pansy sat between Blaise and Millicent, Draco was still missing and she was trying to keep Max as far away as possible.

 

Henry spoke, “Here are the rules, when it’s your turn you choose someone from around the circle. Their options are Veritaserum,” he gestured to the bottle on the right, “or dare,” he gestured to the bottle on the left. “When you drink from the Veritaserum bottle, the person who chose you gets to ask one question, and if you choose from the regular bottle you have to do whatever the person says. Either way you have to drink, the point is to get good and drunk and stumble back into bed.”

 

“Or into someone else’s bed,” Ciaran added, and Henry slapped him on the arse, which made everyone laugh. Pansy looked around the circle and started to get nervous. She had some secrets that she couldn’t tell anyone here, and she was afraid of what her housemates would think of as dares. But Pansy Parkinson was no coward, so she stayed. She would choose “dare” though, to keep her secrets.

 

Henry started the game by taking a swig of the regular bottle, and called on one of the other seventh year students, Victoria Johnson. She drank from the Veritaserum bottle.

 

“Vic, where’s the most daring place you’ve ever fucked in the castle?”

 

Victoria blushed but boldly declared that she had slept with a Ravenclaw boy against the stacks in the library. When asked which section she shrugged, “Most of them, we’ve done it a lot.” The room erupted in cheers and wolf whistles and she took a little bow before calling on one of her roommates, Taylor McKenzie, who bravely stepped up to the table and drank from the unlaced bottle.

 

“Alright McKenzie, strip out of your robes and show us what you have on underneath, and leave your robes off for the rest of the game.”

 

There were more cheers and whistles as Taylor not only took off her outer robes, but stood up on a chair to do so, doing a little dance and tease to reveal a simple black sheath dress that was cut rather short and showed off her long legs. She was also wearing tall black socks that went to just above her knees, and she twirled around a couple times before settling back into her seat. She brushed her dark hair over her shoulder and winked as she called upon Blaise Zabini to go next.

 

To Pansy’s surprise, Blaise actually chose to drink from the Veritaserum bottle.

 

“Who was your first kiss, Zabini?” Taylor called in her lilting Scottish brogue.

 

“When I was seven I kissed Alison Mathews on the cheek under some mistletoe.”

 

There was a chorus of boos from around the room.

 

“Zabini, that doesn’t count and you know it. We’re looking for real information!”

 

“Alright, alright,” Blaise was smiling, “I snogged Alison Mathews under some mistletoe third year, and it felt very poetic.”

 

Pansy looked at him in shock as the rest of the room laughed, and he just raised his eyebrow at her, “She’s pureblooded and really fit, don’t look at me like that.”

 

“Alison Mathews is a Gryffindor!”

 

“A _fit_ Gryffindor.” Blaise corrected, “And it’s your turn, Parkinson.”

 

Pansy rolled her eyes and got up, grabbing the unlaced bottle and taking a deep pull, hoping to get some liquid courage. She was terrified that Blaise would make her do something humiliating.

 

“Pans, I dare you to snog someone in this circle who you would never snog otherwise. I’ll be nice and let you choose.”

 

Pansy sighed in relief and went back to her seat and turned to her right where Millicent was laughing.

 

“I knew you’d choose me, let’s get this over with.”

 

Blaise added, “Go for thirty seconds or it doesn’t count!”

 

Pansy rolled her eyes and leaned in, meeting Millicent’s lips with her own. It was a very pleasant kiss, she had unexpectedly soft lips and her breath was pleasant and minty. They brushed tongues and made a bit of a show about it. When their thirty seconds was up, Millicent ended the kiss by biting Pansy’s lower lip, which made both girls laugh and the whole circle cheer.

 

Pansy called on Tamara Shafiq, who chose to drink the Veritaserum. Pansy asked her to reveal who the first person she ever fancied was, and Tamara proudly responded that she’s never fancied anyone in her life, that she just didn’t feel that way about anyone ever. Pansy thought that maybe she should have come up with a harder question, but Tamara was already daring Ciaran to give Henry a lap dance.

 

They went around a few times. Crabbe and Goyle confessed to having had a threesome with a girl, but wouldn’t say her name, Henry had to take off his shirt, Max ended up down to his boxers, Millicent had told everyone about the time she had been caught stealing cigarettes from her mother’s purse, Daphne had confessed with a bright red face that she found Snape the best looking of all the professors, Tracey was in her bra and skirt with her green and silver tie around her head, Taylor was sneaking off to the kitchens for some food, and Theo had gotten on the table and serenaded them all with one of Celestina Warbeck’s hits, which he suspiciously knew all the words to.

 

 

Theo was then about to call on Victoria (whom Pansy suspected he fancied a little) when the door to the common room opened and everyone turned to see who it was, expecting Taylor with the food.

 

“Draco!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Lovebugs, did you see what I did there?


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A fall out and a fall in and a return of our favorite head of Slytherin house.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

 

 

 

Draco stood in the doorframe looking exhausted and surprised, he had clearly not expected to see anyone in the common room so late.

 

“Oh.”

 

Pansy got up and stomped over to him, slapping his arm a little harder than she intended, “Where have you been? I’ve been worried sick.”

 

“Clearly,” drawled Draco, gesturing to the group of half dressed teenagers, “You’ve searched the whole castle for me then? Dropped everything? I’m moved, Pans.”

 

“Shut it, Draco. I’m serious.”

 

“I don’t care. I’m going to bed. And if any of you wake me up with your immature, carousing nonsense, I will not hesitate to turn your toes inside out. Do not test me.”

 

Draco stomped over to the table with the two bottles of firewhiskey and picked up the bottle on the right, the one laced with Veritaserum, and before anyone could stop him and over the sounds of protest, he took a long drink.

 

“Hey Draco,” said Blaise, eyes on fire with rage, “Who were you sneaking off to meet tonight?”

 

“I was firecalling Bellatrix Lestrange.”

 

The room fell deadly silent.

 

“Draco, the bottle…”

 

But he was already examining the bottle, sniffing it and swirling it before he figured it out, “Veritaserum? You lot were playing around with Veritaserum and you just left it out for anyone to drink? Do you realize that the world doesn’t revolve around you? Or your STUPID CHILDISH GAMES?!”

 

He hurled the bottle into the fireplace and turned away from the resulting explosion. Everyone in the room was struck silent and still, frozen to their seats.

 

Pansy slowly got to her feet and took a few steps forward, “Draco, love, we tried to stop you. Please just calm down.”

 

“FUCK OFF, PARKINSON!”

 

Pansy recoiled but was steadied by a hand grabbing hers. She looked down and saw Daphne had reached for her from her spot on the floor and was looking up at her with pity and compassion. Pansy smiled at her before looking back at Draco, tears threatening to spill.

 

“Go to bed, Draco. And don’t talk to me until you’re ready to talk for real. No one here will tell anyone what you said, right?” She looked around at the group, who all nodded back, “We take care of our own, even if one of our own is being an ungrateful little brat. Go to bed.”

 

Draco spun on his heel and slammed the door to the sixth year boy’s bedroom behind him. Pansy collapsed, still holding on to Daphne’s hand, and the smaller girl pulled her down to lay her head in her lap. Pansy let the tears fall.

 

“Malfoy’s a right arsehole, isn’t he?”

 

The horrible silence in the room broke with Ciaran’s sweet Irish lilt, startling everyone into laughing, even Pansy. She sat up and thanked Daphne, who just squeezed her hand and continue to hold it in her own.

 

“I’m sorry about him, he’s going through something, obviously.”

 

“Here,” Henry Burke passed her the remaining bottle of firewhiskey, “You look like you could use some of this. Just don’t get too drunk that you can’t make it to bed, last thing we need is Snape or the first years coming in here and seeing a bunch of knocked out, underage sixth years.”

 

Pansy laughed and nodded, drinking deeply from the bottle before passing it around the circle. She suddenly knew exactly what she had to do.

 

 

\---

 

 

“And you are sure that he wasn’t lying or bragging or trying to seem more important than he is?”

 

“Yes sir.”

 

“How sure can you be?”

 

“Extremely sure, sir.”

 

Professor Snape looked down his long nose at Pansy, who fidgeted in her seat. She couldn’t exactly tell him that they had been under the influence of Veritaserum at the time, nor could she mention the firewhiskey. But she had gone to him first thing in the morning to tell him exactly what Draco had said.

 

“I don’t want him to get in trouble at school, Professor, but I need to make sure he’s safe. I know he has something that he’s trying to do but I don’t know what, but if he’s calling on Bellatrix Lestrange to help him it has to be dangerous. He hasn’t been sleeping or eating or taking care of himself, and most nights he’s not even in the Slytherin dorm. Blaise says when he wakes in the middle of the night that Draco’s bed is almost always empty. I’m so worried for him, can you please talk to him?”

 

“Thank you for bringing this to my attention, Miss Parkinson. I happen to have intimate knowledge as to his secret task, and I think I should be able to help him out. I’ll at least do my best to keep Lestrange out of this. She has no business meddling in Draco’s affairs.”

 

“Thank you Professor Snape, you have no idea how much this means to me. He’s been awful lately and pushing us away, and we’re his best friends!”

 

“He’s going to continue to need you, no matter what he says. I know he values you and Mister Zabini and Mister Nott over anyone else in his life aside from his mother. He won’t keep you shut out for long, not if I have anything to do with it.”

 

Pansy stood up and extended her hand across the table for a handshake, which made Snape chuckle. He shook her hand and waved her out the door.

 

Pansy wandered around the castle for a while, enjoying the empty winter-chilled corridors. It was late November and snow was already starting to fall, coating the grounds in a soft white blanket and piling up on the windowsills. She pulled her winter cloak closer to her body and looked through a large window out over the lake and the Forbidden Forest, admiring the stillness and peacefulness of the Hogwarts grounds. As much as she tried to hide it behind her sneers and her griping, she really did love Hogwarts. It felt more like home than her actual home, and she always felt safe.

 

But was she safe? Could she really be safe behind these walls as the Dark Lord and her family’s expectations kept trying to creep in? She had to leave eventually, and then what? What would she do? Marry someone for money and respect, pop out an heir and a spare, and dedicate her life to the Dark Lord and the Cause? She supposed she really didn’t have another choice.

 

She sighed and turned around to head back to the dungeon, but gasped when she realized she wasn’t alone in the hallway.

 

“Hi Pansy. I was hoping to talk to you today. Glad I found you here.”

 

It was Tamara Shafiq, smiling and walking toward her briskly.

 

“Hey Tamara, you’re up early. Can I help you with something?” Pansy wasn’t sure why, but she was suddenly very nervous.

 

“Yes, dear, I was hoping you’d answer some questions for me.” Pansy gulped and nodded, and Tamara continued, “I’ll just cut right to the chase, shall I? Malfoy mentioned Lestrange last night. Is he actually in contact with her?”

 

Pansy hesitated, but decided to answer honestly, “You saw that he drank the Veritaserum, as far as I know he was telling the truth.”

 

“So he’s also in contact with…Him?”

 

Pansy nodded, not trusting her voice.

 

“Excellent, then Max was telling the truth too. He told me about what you talked about on your ‘date’ and I found myself extremely intrigued. Is there any chance we can arrange some sort of information session over Christmas break? I think that would be very helpful for those of us who may find ourselves…sympathetic to your work but unsure of where to begin. Do you think you can make that happen for us?”

 

Pansy’s voice cracked a little as she answered, “Sure, Tamara. I’m positive I can make that happen. Do you know of anyone else that might be…interested?”

 

“Well Max and I for sure, and I’m sure Henry and Ciaran would tag along. We should at least hear what He has to say, don’t you agree?” She smiled wide, her perfect white teeth nearly blinding Pansy, who blinked a few times before responding.

“I couldn’t agree more. Thank you for reaching out to me. We’ll be in touch for sure.” Pansy took her leave with a slight bow and a sly smile, but her heart was racing and her legs were practically jelly. Three more recruits had practically fallen into her lap and instead of being elated, she was terrified.

 

Was it so easy? Were that many people so willing to follow Him? Was she scared and worried about nothing this entire time? She had spent the last two months unsure of where to start, and now things were moving at a breakneck pace. Christmas was bound to be interesting this year.

 

 


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something terrible happens and Pansy learns a little bit about Millicent (about time)

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

 

 

 

NEWT level classes just kept getting harder, and even though Pansy was only taking four classes she was overwhelmed with essays and homework. She had drawn so many star charts for Astronomy she could draw the sky in her sleep, and her Charms, Defense, and Ancient Runes textbooks had been read through so many times for research they were practically fallen apart.

 

But her workload was nothing when compared to Theo and Tracey, who were drowning in Potions, Arithmancy, Charms, Ancient Runes, Transfiguration, and Defense Against the Dark Arts essays, reports, experiments, lab time, and calculations. Pansy had nearly forgotten what Tracey’s face looked like without a book in front of it, and the mess surrounding her bed was growing worse and worse.

 

Daphne and Blaise had started spending nearly every waking second in the library together focused on their Arithmancy project they had been partnered up to complete, and Daphne would often come back to the common room only minutes before curfew, exhausted but still perfectly put together, her hair tied up in a beautiful green bow to match her robes and a dazzling smile on her face that made Pansy weak at the knee.

 

So Pansy ended up spending a lot of time with Millicent, who was only taking three NEWTS and therefore also had less homework than their friends. They kept vigil over the table in the back corner of the common room by the large sofa and played a lot of chess while they waited for their classmates to come back to the dormitory. Pansy was finding herself liking Millicent more and more, she was pleased with how many hours they were able to spend together without saying a word, they had a companionable silence that suited her just fine.

 

One afternoon in early December Pansy was sitting alone at the usual table when Millicent came storming in through the common room door with tears streaming down her face. She stopped in front of Pansy and pointed violently toward their shared room, which Pansy took to mean she wanted to talk in private. She thought about it for a second and then decided she owed Millicent a talk after how rude she had been earlier in the year.

 

Once safely behind the door Millicent started to cry harder, sobbing into her pillow as she flopped on the bed.

 

Pansy suddenly realized that in six years of living with Millicent, she had never seen the witch cry. She was a large girl with a lot of muscle and tended to get her feelings out with violence, like that time she put Hermione Granger in a headlock in second year. She hadn’t even seen Millicent cry when her old black cat had died during fifth year, she had moped a little but had moved on fairly quickly. Something very serious must have happened.

 

“Oh Millie, what is it?”

 

“I’ve just had an owl. My girlfriend is missing and her parents are dead.”

“Mill, I didn’t know you had a girlfriend! Weren’t you flirting with that seventh year Ravenclaw on the train?”

 

“That was mostly to piss off Tracey, I’ve got a girlfriend. Have had for a couple years now. And now she’s missing.” Millicent started crying even harder, and threw a book from her bedside table across the room in rage. Pansy took a tentative step forward and sat on the edge of the bed. She tried to remember what Daphne did whenever she was crying, and reached out and grabbed Millicent’s hand. The larger girl squeezed tightly, and Pansy grit her teeth but let it happen.

 

“Who is your girlfriend? I had no idea, Millie. Why didn’t you tell us?”

 

“Tracey knows, but I swore her to secrecy. I didn’t want you to know because I knew you’d make fun of me and I didn’t want to deal with that. But now things have gotten to be horrible so it doesn’t matter anymore if you make fun of me. Though I’d rather hope you didn’t.”

 

“I’ll do my best.”

 

Millicent snorted with laughter, which turned into great heaving sobs again, “I’ve been dating Eloise Midgen.”

 

“Eloise Midgen!? Millie, she’s a Hufflepuff! And Muggle born!”

 

“You think I don’t know that?” Millie snapped, but Pansy continued.

 

“She’s also gross, what on earth do you see in her? She was all spotty and ugly, Millie you can do better!”

 

“Don’t talk about her like that!” Millicent stood up, fists clenched tightly at her side, face growing redder, “She’s lovely and I love her. You don’t get to stand here and laugh at her in front of me! You think I can do better? Better than her?! Like who?? She’s been an angel to me! She treats me like a princess, she has the most beautiful eyes in the world, and just in case you haven’t noticed I don’t really have boys or girls knocking down my door trying to be with me. She may not be perfect but she loves me and I won’t hear you tearing her down any more.”

 

Pansy was shocked into silence. She was being completely blindsided by this news and had no idea how to take it.

 

“You can’t let yourself be caught up in this Mudblood, Millie. You two may have had some fun but it’s time to get serious. I’m sure she’s fine, you should just forget it.”

 

“Don’t call her that.” Millicent had stopped crying and now stared blankly into space. “I met her parents, Pans. And now they’re dead”

 

“You what?” Pansy’s jaw nearly dropped to the floor, “How?”

 

“I went this summer to visit her after I begged off sick from one of my parents’ little parties. They went off and I Flooed into London and met them for tea. They were amazing, Pansy. They were so sweet and kind and loved their daughter as much as I did. We got along so well. They didn’t even care their daughter was dating another girl! It’s not like that out there, in the Muggle world they don’t even care if you don’t get married. It’s not like our Pureblood world, where we can have our fun as kids but have to grow up and get married. Women live together forever out there. They’re even trying to get their Ministry to recognize their marriages as legal. I lived in the Muggle world for a day and it was so strange but I had Eloise with me and I loved it. I thought…” Millicent started to sniffle again, “I thought that we’d be together forever. Did you even notice she’s not at school this year?”

 

Pansy hadn’t, and Millicent continued, “Her parents pulled her out. They’re scared of Him. They’re scared of their daughter being attacked or worse. So they took her out of school. And now they’re dead and she’s missing, she’s probably dead too. And I want to find her, or have someone go look for her, but I can’t leave my family behind. Not with Gretchen starting at Hogwarts next year and Henry the year after that. They’re my baby siblings Pans, I can’t abandon them. My family has chosen a side and it’s not on the side of my missing girlfriend and her dead parents.”

 

Pansy didn’t know what to say, she was repulsed by Millicent’s choice of partner but felt bad for her all the same. She realized that it didn’t matter how they had fallen in love, but that they had and it was tearing her friend apart. All she could do was be supportive.

 

“I’m sorry Millie. I really am. And I’m here for you if you need to talk. What are friends for, right?”

 

Millicent nodded and grabbed at Pansy’s hand again, and the two young women sat on the bed together, each terrified and unsure about the future.

 

 

\---

 

 

_“Dear Mother and Father,_

_Term is proceeding well and my exam scores are well up to my usual standards. I’m learning a lot and making plenty of new friends. In fact, some of my new friends have shown interest in meeting your very important friend, and we’d like to arrange that for the Christmas holiday. They are three very respectful and respected young men and one young woman who want to learn more about the family business. Please pass on my wishes and ideas to your friend and let me know when this meeting can take place._

_Your Daughter,_

_Pansy”_

_“Pansy,_

_Thank you for your letter, we’re looking forward to having you home for Christmas. Your new friends can join us at our home at 7:00 pm on December 26 th for dinner and a meeting with our very important friend. He’s looking forward to seeing all of you, and wants you to know that you have gone above and beyond his expectations. We’re very proud of you, Pansy. _

_Best,_

_Posy and Perseus”_

 

Finally the term was over and it was time to go home for a few weeks for the Christmas holiday. Normally the Parkinson family would host a small Christmas dinner with at least one other family and of course attend the Malfoy family’s annual New Years gala, but with the Dark Lord returned, out in the open, and residing at Malfoy manor, Pansy half expected the holiday to be a little more somber.

 

She passed on the message to Max, Tamara, Henry, and Ciaran that they were to Floo in to her home at precisely seven in the evening the day after Christmas to learn more about what it meant to follow the Dark Lord. She hoped that He wouldn’t be there Himself, she wasn’t sure she was ready to see Him in person again so soon. Between their last meeting and his ominous birthday gift and letter, Pansy’s hands tended to shake whenever she thought of Him.

 

She boarded the Hogwarts Express back to London with Millicent, Tracey, and both the Greengrass girls, though young Astoria ran off to be with her friends the second they put their things away in a compartment. The four roommates sat in silence for a while watching the Hogsmeade and the castle fade away behind them.

 

Their silence was interrupted by the sliding door to the compartment opening, revealing Crabbe, Goyle, and to Pansy’s surprise, Draco. Draco and Pansy looked at each other for a moment before Pansy nodded and the boys took their seats. Draco sat by the window across from Pansy; leaned forward with his hands gripping his knees, and spoke.

 

“Pansy, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’ve been such an arse to you, I’m sorry that you’ve had to do this term without me, I’m sorry for leaving you to prefect duties and studying and everything on your own. I’m sorry that I didn’t confide in you, and I’m really sorry for telling you to fuck off in front of everyone when I was the one who made a mistake. It’s Christmas Pans, can we be friends again?”

 

She paused, looking him over. He looked horrible, he had lost even more weight and his white-blonde hair was longer than she had ever seen it. He was starting to look a lot like his father, complete with a little stubble on his cheeks and dark circles under his eyes.

 

Pansy sighed, “Draco, that’s twice this year alone you’ve treated me like garbage and then apologized to try to make it better. I know that right now you feel really bad and that you want me and the unconditional friendship I’ve always given you back. I’m going to forgive you, but I want a couple more weeks to be mad. I’ll forgive you before the start of next term. But you really hurt me and I want you to know that.”

 

Draco nodded. Pansy sat back in her seat and took Daphne’s hand. Daphne leaned her head on Pansy’s shoulder and the two girls were able to drift off to sleep together, even sleeping through the arrival of Blaise and Theo, who settled into a quiet game of chess on the floor as every seat was full. The entire Slytherin sixth year was in one compartment, crowded and cramped but happy to be together.


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone in the Parkinson family (and most of the wizarding world let's be honest) has matching, alliterative names. It's Christmas, let's drink!

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

 

 

Pansy hauled her trunk off the Hogwarts Express and looked around the platform for her parents, but a quick search of the happy families around the train did not reveal them. Pansy frowned, she knew her parents were aware of the time and date, she had owled them three days prior. She bid her friends farewell and waved politely to their parents, especially to Narcissa Malfoy, who waved back airily, as if she didn’t have the energy to summon a better greeting. Soon Pansy was alone, the only other remaining students and their parents on the platform were at the far end of the train and in line to use the Floo. She was getting nervous and was just about to head to the Floo to bring herself home when a familiar figure stepped out of the King’s Cross entrance and headed straight toward her.

 

“Phineas!”

 

Pansy’s older brother was striding toward her with a huge smile on his face, and she ran toward him. When they met in the middle of the platform she threw her arms around his neck and he swung her around like she was a little girl. She laughed and hugged him tightly, and when he finally set her down he held her at arm’s length and looked her over.

 

“Baby sister, what in Salazar’s name have you done with your hair?”

 

Pansy giggled and ran her fingers through the silky blue-black strands, “Do you hate it? Because I’ll tell you right now that I don’t care.”

 

“No, it suits you! I bet Mother was right cross though.”

 

“She barely blinked, I don’t think she remembered what I looked like before I did it.”

 

Phineas laughed and took his sister’s trunk, shrunk it, and stuck the whole thing in his pocket and led the way toward the line for the Floo, “Sounds like her. She was so excited to see me when I came home, I think she raised her eyebrows an entire centimeter. But enough about home, I need to hear everything about Hogwarts. I miss it terribly.”

 

“You still miss it? You’ve been out for almost three years!”

 

“Feels like an eternity when you’re stuck at the Ministry filing papers in the most boring department ever created.”

 

“Still at the Magical Transportation office?”

 

“Of course,” Phineas sighed and rolled his eyes, “Someone has to make sure international Portkey applications are properly filled out and filed in the right order.”

 

“Oh you’re in _international_ Portkeys now?” Pansy put her hand to her chest in false admiration, “I didn’t realize I was in the presence of someone so important! Maybe if you sent me an owl more than once a year I would have known!”

 

Her brother reached over to ruffle her hair and they both laughed, Pansy feeling more at ease than she had in months. She adored her brother, who was always a comforting presence. The two of them had been extremely close as children, and even when they were at Hogwarts at the same time he had always taken care of her. Pansy knew she was lucky to have him around.

 

“So what do I owe the pleasure of your company, big brother? I thought Mother and Father were coming to get me.”

 

“Ah yes, about that. I wanted to surprise you, and I’m late because they failed to mention exactly what time the train arrived, my apologies. They are preparing the house for our important visitor later this week. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you about that. Four days wasn’t enough time I guess, they’ve honestly been preparing all week for the big visit the day after Christmas.”

 

Pansy felt her face drain of color and her throat went dry, and she managed to croak out, “I see.”

 

Phineas looked down at her as they reached the front of the Floo line, “You’re scared. You really shouldn’t be. I want you to be brave.”

 

“I am brave, Finn. I can do this.”

 

“I know you can, Pea,” Phineas smiled down at her, teasing her with her childhood nickname, then he put his arm around her shoulder and shouted, “Parkinson Manor!”

 

Green fire swirled around them faster and faster as they rushed through the Floo network, and as they spiraled towards their home, Pansy looked up at her brother, and even though she could barely see him through all the soot and fire, she could make out that he had his eyes closed and a slight smile on his face. She was overjoyed to see him, which was almost enough to soothe her nerves, but her heart was still racing at the thought of her meeting with the Dark Lord in only four days’ time.

 

 

\---

 

 

Christmas morning was dark and stormy, and the Parkinson family exchanged presents by the extravagant tree and roaring fire, looking ever the picturesque family that Posy had been crafting their entire lives. Pansy was wrapped in her new dressing gown and unwrapped beautiful jewelry from her parents and a handsome fur lined hat from her brother. She had given her mother a pair of charmed earrings that would never tarnish, her father a new leather money purse, and her brother a new clasp for his winter cloak in the shape of a glittering serpent and a bottle of fine elf-made wine, which he uncorked immediately. He smiled as he set it aside to decant and promised to share some with his little sister, leaning over to kiss her on the forehead in gratitude. Posy and Perseus left the room to check on the elves cooking the Christmas roast and left their children to open gifts sent from their friends.

 

Tracey and Millicent had both sent a box of fine chocolates that Pansy allowed her brother to take. To her surprise, Draco had sent over a beautiful scarf that seemed to change colors in the light and shimmered in her hands. The note contained another apology and explained the scarf had a few unicorn tail hairs sewn in, making the scarf strong enough to never lose a thread and giving it a multicolored quality that meant it would match any outfit she chose to wear it with. Pansy grinned and put the scarf on right away, mentally noting to write him a nice letter later finally accepting his apology. She had sent him a scarf as well, black as night and spelled to keep the wearer warm. It amused her that she and Draco still shared the same thoughts even when they weren’t on speaking terms.

 

But it was her present from Daphne that she treasured the most. Daphne had sent a beautiful leather-bound journal embossed with pansy flowers and enchanted to only unlock and open at her touch. The first page had already been inscribed with a note to her:

 

_“Dearest Pansy,_

_I hope you use this journal to confide in and comfort you when I’m not around to help and listen. Tell it your nightmares and hopes and dreams and may the good wishes you put into it always come true. You’ve always deserved that and so much more. Merry Christmas, I can’t wait to see you hopefully very soon._

_With love and eternal affection,_

_Daphne.”_

Pansy hugged the journal to her chest and wiped her eyes clear of the tears that had sprung up while she read Daphne’s note. She hoped that Daphne had liked her present even half as much as she liked hers. Pansy had sent Daphne a new set of hairbows in a dozen different colors, each enchanted to never slip from their place. She felt a little silly that she hadn’t given her something more personal, but it was a better gift than she had gotten for their other roommates, she had sent Millicent and Tracey fancy chocolates as well. It was their customary gift and had been for years.

 

“Here, Pea.” Phineas handed her a glass of the fine wine, toasted her, and Pansy took a small sip. It was delicious and warmed her right down to her toes. Phineas drained his goblet in one go and sighed his contentment before pouring himself another.

 

“Finn, are you trying to be drunk before ten in the morning? It’s Christmas, we still have to have dinner.”

 

“I’m drinking because I overheard mother mention that she had an idea of who to marry me off to, and I don’t want to think about that just now.”

 

“Oh drink up then, I don’t envy you at all, but I suppose it will be my turn soon enough. Who are we hosting this year? The Notts and Zabinis again? Blaise is a dear friend but Theo and I haven’t talked very much this year. It would be nice to see them. And I’m always curious to meet Madame Zabini’s husband of the year.”

 

“No, I think we’re just hosting the Greengrass family this year. You know Mother wants to keep things small, and she and Lady Greengrass have become awfully close.”

 

Pansy broke into a huge smile and rushed over to hug her brother around the neck, nearly knocking the glass from his hand. He laughed but was obviously confused, and Pansy didn’t stop to explain as she ran away to start getting ready for their guests.

 

She had a plan.


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pansy's plan involves mistletoe and it doesn't involve huge announcements and the bad kind of surprise.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

 

 

Hours later, Pansy was pacing the foyer of her family’s home waiting for the Greengrass family to arrive for Christmas dinner. She had chosen a set of flowing, dark red robes that were beautiful and finely made and also perfectly matched the Christmas decorations around the house. Her parents and the elves had really outdone themselves; the entire house sparkled and shone with lights, wreaths, garlands, and a flawlessly decorated tree in nearly every room. Pansy fiddled with her new jewelry set- fine Goblin made pieces that brought out the gold tones in her normally light brown eyes. She had dressed and styled herself to the nines, and knew she was a vision to behold. She was itching to see Daphne, dying to get her alone if only for a moment, and just to be sure she would get her moment, she had hung several sprigs of mistletoe around the manor. Her heart was pounding with anticipation.

 

At precisely six in the evening the doorbell chimed and a house elf opened the great wooden doors to let in the Greengrass family. Laurel and Hyperion and their two beautiful daughters were announced and shown in, and Pansy walked as quickly as manners allowed to greet them.

 

“Pansy darling, you look beautiful, just stunning.” Laurel Greengrass was a stunning witch with long wavy blonde hair and sparkling blue eyes that looked much like her daughter’s. She kissed Pansy warmly on both cheeks before greeting Posy and Perseus. Hyperion kissed Pansy’s hand and gave her a good-natured wink, which made Pansy smile. She had always liked the Greengrass family, they were more friendly and less intense than some of the other families they associated with.

 

Pansy turned her attention to Daphne after waving sweetly at Astoria, finally allowing herself to look her way, but Daphne wasn’t looking at her, she was staring at the ground with her hands clasped in front of her, fingers tangled in the luxurious fabric of her dark green dress robes, deliberately avoiding eye contact with anyone. Pansy looked to the younger sister questioningly, but Astoria just shrugged and nodded her head toward their parents, who were greeting each other. Posy Parkinson was more animated than Pansy had seen in years, clearly in a good mood. The adults led the way into the formal dining room, but Pansy held Daphne back.

 

“Daph, it’s so good to see you. I love my gift, it’s perfect. I was afraid I wouldn’t get to see you until after term started. Did you get my gift?”

 

“I did, and I love them very much, but I can’t talk to you tonight Pansy.” Daphne looked at the taller girl with tears in her eyes threatening to fall, “My mother gave me horrible news this morning and I just…” Daphne trailed off, wiped her eyes and ran away, leaving Pansy alone in the foyer.

 

Pansy’s heart felt like it was breaking and her stomach was full of knots. What could have happened that made Daphne so upset? What news could Laurel have given her daughter that kept her from speaking to her best friend and roommate? Pansy was terrified, and followed the group to the dining room to get some answers.

 

When she arrived and took her seat between her brother and her mother, across from Daphne and Laurel, the former with her head bowed, staring at her plate. At Perseus’ command the house elves served up a huge feast and poured everyone a large glass of wine. Before they tucked into their meals, Hyperion raised his wine glass in the air.

 

“Perseus, I want to thank you and the lovely Posy for having us in your home for Christmas. Everything looks and smells wonderful, you’ve really outdone yourselves. I want to propose a toast,” He raised his glass higher and the whole table followed suit, though Daphne was visibly reluctant, “To our beautiful families and the future of our joined families, may we be ever prosperous. And of course to the Dark Lord and his continued rise.”

 

“Cheers!” Perseus called, and drank deeply from his glass, the rest of the table joining him in the drink except for Pansy, who nearly dropped her glass in shock, spilling a few drops of wine onto the dark green tablecloth.

 

“Pansy,” hissed her mother, “Mind yourself.”

 

“Did you just say joined families?” Pansy blurted out, all manners forgotten.

 

“Why yes, didn’t your parents tell you?” Laurel beamed, “We’ve come to an extremely exciting agreement to have our Daphne and your brother Phineas betrothed.”

 

“Betrothed? Like, to be married?”

 

“Of course Pansy, what other kind of betrothed is there?” Phineas looked down at his sister, who was starting to feel like she was hallucinating.

 

“I can’t…I don’t…what?”

 

“The girl is just a little slow on the uptake, apologies for her rudeness,” Posy pinched her daughter’s arm hard.

 

“Yes of course, I’m sorry, I’m fine.” Pansy coughed a little and avoided Daphne’s burning gaze. Her stomach was turning even harder and she gripped the edge of her chair so as not to give into impulse and run away screaming. Her mind was racing and she couldn’t concentrate on the food in front of her or the conversation around her, which had moved onto wedding plans, Pansy just stared at her heaping plate and full glass of wine.

 

A foot kicked her in the shin, she glanced to the side and saw her brother glaring at her and nodding down to her plate. Pansy shook her head but took a couple of bites of the slice of roast and pushed the rest of the food around to make it look like she had eaten more. She could feel Daphne’s pleading eyes on her but she couldn’t look at her, her heart hurt too much. She glared daggers at her brother, who just shrugged and drank yet another glass of wine in one go.

 

“So Pansy,” her wandering mind was brought back by Laurel’s kind voice calling her name, “It’s just about your turn to enter into a betrothal, have you considered your options yet?”

 

Pansy shook her head, not trusting her voice, luckily Posy was deep into her wine and was more talkative than usual.

 

“We’ve of course been talking to Lord and Lady Malfoy, but they seem reluctant to marry Draco off so young. Surprising, really, as he’s the only son and heir. You would think they’d want him settled immediately so they could have grandchildren before they’re too old, but that’s not my business. We’ve floated the idea past Elora Zabini and the Notts as well but we’re really hoping to secure someone a bit higher up if we can. She’s our only girl you know, we want the best for her.”

 

“Naturally, we completely understand. Our Astoria has a bit of a soft spot for the young Malfoy boy as well, but she’s far too young for marriage at only barely thirteen.”

 

“Oh yes, thirteen is too young. I wanted Pansy engaged before sixteen but she’s a bit stubborn,” Posy laughed and Pansy just blinked, “I’ll have a good match for her soon enough. The Selwyns have a boy just about to finish Hogwarts, maybe he’d be a good match. They’re a fine family.”

 

Pansy’s vision started to darken around the edges and her hands were turning cold and clammy, she stood up and her chair scraped loudly on the hardwood floor.

 

“I have to excuse myself, I’m so sorry.” Pansy stammered, then ran from the room as fast as she could. She went straight for the nearest bathroom and was violently sick into the toilet. Her stomach was nearly empty but she still heaved over and over again, coughing up roast, then bile and then eventually nothing but water. Her eyes filled with tears that streaked her perfect eye makeup. After her stomach was completely empty she curled up into a ball in the corner of the ornate bathroom and just let herself cry.

 

A soft knock at the door startled her, “Who is it? I’ll be right there.” She stood quickly and wiped at her face, attempting to repair her makeup as best she could. She ran the tap at the sink and cupped water into her mouth to rinse out the taste of vomit. Before she could turn around from the sink the door opened behind her and Daphne stepped in, closing the door and leaning against it heavily.

 

“Pansy, I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you. I’m so sorry you had to find out that way.”

 

“Why him, Daphne? Why my brother? Anyone else would have hurt but not like this. This hurts right here,” She balled up a fist and thrust it into her stomach, “Like someone’s just punched me and kicked me and left me to die.”

 

“You think I don’t feel the same? You think I’m happy about this? I’m miserable, Pans. To have you so close, you’ll be my sister in law and you’ll be right there and I can’t have you-”

 

Pansy cut her off with a bruising kiss, pressing her up against the door. Daphne tasted like salt and wine and her lips were so soft and pliant. Pansy cupped the smaller girl’s face with one hand and the back of her head with the other, gripping the soft hairs at the base of her neck and tipping her head back to gain better access. Daphne moaned quietly as Pansy started kissing her way down her neck, nipping softly at her collarbone and running her fingers through the soft blonde locks. Daphne’s hands were bolder than they were during their first kiss, going right for Pansy’s hips and then her arse, pulling her tighter so their bodies were flush against each other. One of Pansy’s legs slipped between Daphne’s and soon Daphne was off the ground with her legs wrapped around the taller girl’s waist, arms gripping each other tight, afraid to let go and let the moment end. Pansy’s hand wandered to the front of Daphne’s robes and hearing a whine of impatience, she cupped her breast over the soft cloth, feeling the weight of her, desperate for more contact, feeling a deep and needy heat pool low in her stomach. Their lips met over and over again, their tongues battled for dominance. This wasn’t at all like their scared first meeting, this was fire and fear and pain and want.

 

But it was over nearly as soon as it began as both girls heard approaching footsteps, the tell tale sign of someone coming to check on them. Pansy reluctantly released Daphne to the ground and they adjusted their hair and clothes, checking each other to make sure they looked mostly back to normal. The knock on the door was followed by Laurel’s voice.

 

“Girls, are you alright? Daphne, are you helping Pansy?”

 

“Yes Mother, she was feeling really sick. I’m helping her clean up.”

 

“You’re very sweet, and Pansy I hope you feel better. Please girls, join Posy, Astoria and me in the sitting room for tea and biscuits as soon as you’re able.”

 

Her heels clicked away and the girls sighed in relief, holding each other in a tight embrace.

 

Pansy whispered, “I’m sorry this took so long, we could have had so much time. I was being horribly stubborn about it all.”

 

“You were, but I forgive you,” Daphne sighed, “We can’t keep doing this you know. It’s only going to make this harder on us. I have no choice really, I have to marry Phineas. Mother is so insistent, she says it’s a perfect match for me.”

 

“I hope you two are very happy together. I really mean it,” Pansy stepped away from their embrace and smoothed her robes, “We had better get out there. I could use a cup of tea.” The girls shared a sad look.

 

They were alone just outside the sitting room door when they both stopped and looked up.

 

“Mistletoe.”

 

“I put it there. I had a plan.”

 

“It means a lot to me.”

 

“The mistletoe or the plan?”

 

Daphne giggled, then placed a sweet kiss on Pansy’s cheek before heading inside. Pansy snapped for an elf and demanded a couple bottles of wine. She was going to need it, for she had just noticed that Daphne was wearing one of her new hair bows- a dark green that matched her dress robes perfectly.


	18. Chapter Eighteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The meeting.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

 

 

The Christmas storm was still raging the morning of the 26th, the day of the big meeting. Pansy’s parents were in prime form as they ran around snapping at the house elves to clean everything over again and make another extravagant meal. Posy was gliding around in a new set of dress robes already, sweeping over the foyer with her wand to light all the candles when Pansy found her, feeling a little sick. She was barely awake and still in her dressing gown though it was several hours after noon, she had quite a lot to drink the night before and was very hungover.

 

“Pansy, what in Merlin’s name are you wearing? You need to get ready! You know how important tonight is.”

 

“I know, Mother, I was the one who made it happen.” Pansy’s head was pounding and she was feeling irritable and angry, “Trust me, I’ll be ready.

 

She sure didn’t feel ready. She had been so distracted, distraught, and then drunk the night before that she hadn’t had a chance to prepare as much as she wanted to. But how could one even begin to prepare for a meeting with Voldemort Himself? She had done the work, she had found four interested young people. She had mentioned the idea to them and they seemed to be genuinely interested. Now, Pansy thought, maybe her job now was just to sit back and watch it all unfold. She certainly wasn’t about to ask her mother for advice or ideas. No, Pansy was pretty good at making things up as she went, she could do this.

 

She was still shaking though, and when she went to the kitchen for something light to eat and a cup of tea and found her brother sitting at the small table with his head in his hands, he noticed too.

 

“Calm down, Pea. It’s okay.”

 

“It’s not, but I’m handling it.”

 

“Handle it better, He’s an accomplished Legillimens and if He can tell you’re scared He’ll question your commitment.”

 

“I’m fine, Finn. Leave off.” Pansy collapsed next to him and reached for an apple from the bowl of fruit at the table and grabbed a large cup of tea that sat on the table front of Phineas. He didn’t protest to her stealing from him, which signaled to Pansy his plight, “How’s your head? Mine feels like it’s about to burst.”

 

“Too much wine last night. We should have stopped at dinner.”

 

Pansy nodded in agreement then said dryly, “But you’re an engaged man now, congratulations.”

 

“Don’t pretend to be happy for me, Pans. I know it’s weird that your best friend is going to marry your older brother.”

 

 _That’s not all that’s weird_.

 

“You’re not happy about it.” It wasn’t a question, and she sipped the tea to punctuate her statement. It had a distinct flavor to it that she recognized as a mild headache potion, presumably the only kind Phineas was able to find in the manor.

 

“Of course I’m not happy about it. No one really wants to marry whomever their parents choose. Plus, she’s sixteen and I’m almost twenty. She’s still in school. We don’t have a ton in common. And she’s clearly not interested in me.”

 

“Well she’s really great, and you are…you’re alright.” Phineas laughed and nudged her with his shoulder, wincing slightly as he moved his head. Pansy passed the tea back to him, “I’ve got to go get ready now. Any tips for me? What should I expect tonight?”

 

“Just don’t appear scared, don’t look him in the eye, and be honest. You’ll be great. And stop fucking shaking and eat something more substantial than an apple for Merlin’s sake.”

 

Pansy shrugged and ignored the gnawing, empty feeling in her stomach that she knew was part hunger, part fear. Probably mostly hunger. She took another apple from the basket and another sip of tea, and then cuffed the back of her brother’s head as she left the kitchen, laughing as he groaned and moaned behind her.

 

It was late enough in the afternoon that Pansy felt that maybe she should start getting ready. The storm outside was letting up a little, the tea and apples had helped with her headache, and she was feeling confident about the upcoming evening. She dressed herself in her finest black dress robes and shuddered when she remembered the last time she had worn them, the night Draco was Marked.

 

_It’s not going to be like that tonight. Tonight is for talking. We don’t have to worry about that for a while._

She continued her routine to get ready, creams and potions and charms designed to make her look more beautiful that also made her feel more human. She painstakingly applied her makeup, adding a little extra eyeliner to darken her eyes. Along with some gold eye shadow to make the colour of her eyes pop and a swipe of red lipstick, she slowly slipped into the part of Dark Witch that her parents so desperately wanted her to play. And she was good at it, her natural acerbic nature, cutting wit, and her total willingness to step on anyone in her way made her powerful. But was she Dark? Could she join the Dark Lord and do his bidding, take his Mark, even go so far as to kill people?

 

Pansy locked eyes with herself in the mirror and asked if she could be a Death Eater.

 

She could follow orders, make her parents proud, show everyone how powerful she really could be. She could prove herself worthy. She could and would, because otherwise she’d end up dead.

 

But killing someone was another matter all together. It wasn’t just Muggles that were being targeted. Mudbloods and Blood Traitors too. People she knew and went to school with. People like Hermione Granger, who was horrible, but did she deserve to die? Could she be the one who made that choice?

 

Pansy shook her head. She’d just have to find out when the time came. Because there was no way she was going to risk being killed by the Dark Lord based on the _idea_ that she might have to get her hands dirty. She didn’t even know what was required of her yet. Maybe she could be like Narcissa Malfoy and never take the Mark, just be there to support her husband and watch out for her child. Maybe she’d be like her own mother, who bore the Mark but only as a symbol. Her job was to arrange meetings and parties. Posy never murdered anyone, never had to get into the middle of things. Pansy could do that. She’d have to. If she disobeyed, the best-case scenario ended with her being kicked out of the family, thrown out on to the street, and never seeing her family again. Never seeing Draco again.

 

Never seeing Daphne again.

 

Shaking her head, Pansy checked the clock on the wall and saw it was nearly seven in the evening, which meant she had to clear her head and steel her spine.

 

Voldemort was coming.

 

 

\---

 

 

As the great grandfather clock in the sitting room chimed seven times, the Floo turned bright green and four figures stepped out of the fireplace one by one amid the rush of flames. Henry Burke, Ciaran Sullivan, Tamara Shafiq, and Max Selwyn brushed soot off of their black robes, the latter grinning manically at Pansy, making her shiver. She ignored him and politely offered the group a tray full of goblets of elf-made wine. Each took a goblet with slightly shaking hands, they were clearly more nervous than they were letting on.

 

They stood in silence for a few minutes, sipping their wine and shifting their weight around from foot to foot. Pansy wondered when and how the Dark Lord was going to arrive, she hadn’t ever heard of Him using the Floo, it somehow seemed too common and dirty for Him. Her question was answered by the sound of a loud crack of Apparition and the sudden appearance of the man Himself in the middle of the room flanked by all three Lestranges.

 

Pansy dropped into a low curtsy immediately, and the four recruits followed suit, bowing deeply and keeping their eyes averted. Bellatrix Lestrange’s wild laugh pierced the air and made Pansy’s blood run cold.

 

“My Lord, the little babies are already here! Look at how fast they learn! This lot might actually be worth something.” She simpered and giggled as Voldemort turned to smile down at her.

 

“Yes Bella, and all from fine Pureblood families. Smart, pure, beautiful, and ready to be of service, or so I’m told. Miss Parkinson, come here please.” He beckoned a long, bony, white finger towards her, and Pansy slowly approached as if drawn by a Summoning spell.

 

“My Lord, I’ve done what you asked of me. I located the most likely candidates who seemed sympathetic to your cause and brought them here for your inspection and approval. I hope that you are pleased with me.”

 

“I am, Little Flower,” His high, cold voice seemed to echo through the dark room, and Pansy stifled another shiver, “You’ve done extremely well, and I’m going to reward you handsomely.” He smiled down at her, a cruel and terrible smile that made Pansy cringe.

 

“My Lord,” Tamara Shafiq stepped forward, head held high, “We come for information, and to understand what is expected of those who follow you. None of our parents have officially joined the Cause though they are sympathetic to your work, and we wish to make decisions for our own.”

 

“And quite right too, Lady Shafiq. Your family has long eluded my invitations, so I was particularly intrigued by your decision to come here today. What would you like to know?”

 

“What would you have us do?”

 

Voldemort grinned again and extended a hand to Tamara, who took it without hesitation. It was clear that she was nervous, but she kept her head high and her voice clear. The boys on the other hand were visibly uncomfortable and scared, and when Tamara allowed the Dark Lord to lead her to the other side of the room to confer with her privately, Henry and Ciaran shared a look that clearly indicated that they weren’t all right with how the meeting was going.

 

Max stood up and faced his friend and the Dark Lord, speaking loudly but with a wavering voice, “We want to be part of something great, My Lord, and we want to change the world. We’re all here for that same great purpose. All of us.”

 

Voldemort looked over from the corner of the room where he had been whispering low into Tamara’s ear, “Do not interrupt me, Selwyn. You forget your place. Don’t make me regret bringing you here.”

 

Max grit his teeth, sat back down again, and started shaking again when Bellatrix Lestrange did a slow lap around his chair, pausing to run her long nails across the boy’s scalp, which nearly made him drop his goblet. The tone he had taken with the Dark Lord made Pansy nervous and had apparently put Bellatrix on the hunt, but Voldemort turned around and addressed the room as if nothing had happened.

 

“You four will of course need to prove yourselves. I require tasks to be done and loyalty to be proven before I allow anyone into my ranks, but once you’re one of my Death Eaters you will reap many rewards. Glory, honour, gold, respect… these are only the beginning. I ask only this of you, if you would care to join I want you to do one of the following and come to me with proof: either recruit at least three new followers to my side or perform just one Unforgivable curse. Bring me these new recruits or a memory of your first Unforgivable, and I’ll put the Mark to your arm and welcome you proudly into our new world order.”

 

The three boys all nodded and Tamara smiled, drawing her wand and turned toward Max without hesitation, “My Lord, may I demonstrate my loyalty here and now on someone who has disrespected you already?”

 

Max stood and looked ready to run, but the Dark Lord simply laughed, “My dear, your dedication stuns me, I’m so looking forward to your future. No, young Mister Selwyn was simply curious and headstrong, his blood need not be spilled today. I want you all healthy and ready to work for me the moment you graduate Hogwarts in June. And indeed to answer his question, all I ask of you is to be at my call in case I need information, recruits or yes, occasionally soldiers. This war will not end without bloodshed, but at the other end is the world we’ve earned, the world that is owed to us. Do you all understand?”

 

The four seventh years nodded, none more enthusiastically than Tamara, who looked downright giddy. Pansy remained silent and still, trying not to call attention to herself but out of the corner of her eye she saw one of the Lestrange brothers, the one not married to Bellatrix, approach her slowly.

 

“Aren’t you a pretty thing?” Rabastan Lestrange whispered in her ear, “Eager to prove yourself, are you?” He pushed a lock of hair behind her ear and laughed, “You’ll get your chance, love. You’re too lovely to stay on the sidelines.”

 

“Rabastan, dear, leave the poor girl alone. She’s not even seventeen yet.” Bellatrix called over from the other side of the room where she was now perched on the arm of the sofa that Henry, Max, and Ciaran shared, still running her long nails though Max’s hair.

 

Rabastan laughed again and stepped back, hands in the air like he was surrendering, “I meant nothing by it, she is lovely though.”

 

“Indeed she is,” Voldemort said, and stepped toward Pansy, “I’m sure you’re looking for your reward, aren’t you Little Flower?” Pansy said nothing but bowed a little, and he continued, “You’re going to lead the way. I’m putting you in charge of the youth coordination. Your job is to remain at Hogwarts and be a resource to anyone who needs it. And furthermore, I’m putting personal stock in your future. I’ll be looking after you, including personally arranging your marriage. You’re about the right age to start looking. I know your mother has some ideas, but with my help you’ll be elevated beyond your mother’s wildest dreams. That’s how I reward those who please me. You’ll be a treasured bride of an incredibly powerful man, and your children will be as beautiful and powerful as their parents.”

 

Pansy’s legs went weak and she nearly stumbled. _This isn’t a reward, this is control._ But she chose instead to smile and steel her thoughts, “Thank you My Lord, you do me a great honor.”

 

“I know I do,” Voldemort spoke louder, “Remember children, I am the way to glory and freedom, and you’re the future of our kind, our bloodlines, and your children will inherit this world. Don’t fail me. Doubt only means death.”

 

With those final, cryptic words, Voldemort and the Lestranges disappeared with a crack of Apparition, leaving the five teenagers alone.

 

“That was incredible!” Tamara squealed, “You can actually feel the power radiating off of him. He’s so powerful and strong, the perfect leader to bring us into a new age.”

 

Henry nodded and walked towards his betrothed, “It was honestly the most impressive sight I’ve ever seen. You were right to suggest thing, Tamara, thank you.”

 

Ciaran was slower to stand and didn’t seem as enthusiastic, “All that talk of bloodlines and ‘our people’ and whatnot, we’re going to have to grow up pretty quickly.”

 

Henry’s face fell and he stepped in to embrace his lover, “We knew it would happen eventually. We’ve always known it was important to keep the bloodlines pure and have children. It’s not our choice, it’s our duty.”

 

Tamara grimaced, “Guess we’re going to have to try it out, Henry. Not exactly what I’m interested in but I’ll survive.”

 

“So I’m the only one a little nervous about this?” Max interrupted from his seat on the couch. He hadn’t moved a muscle since Bellatrix had sat next to him.

 

“This isn’t the time to be nervous!” Tamara said, her voice growing louder and more desperate, “This is the time to take action. We’re Slytherins, aren’t we? Ambition, cunning, resourcefulness, self-preservation- these traits are being called on now. The war is happening regardless of how nervous you may be, Selwyn, and we’re picking the winning side. Are you in or out?”

 

“I’m… I’m in.”

 

 


	19. Chapter Nineteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New Years Eve

CHAPTER NINETEEN

 

 

Pansy didn’t expect the New Year’s Eve party at Malfoy Manor to be held while the Dark Lord was still taking residence there, but soon enough the Portkey invitation was delivered to the Parkinson house and Pansy had to accompany her mother to find acceptable dress robes for the occasion. Posy had been doting on her daughter more and more since Voldemort’s visit, as soon as Pansy told her about Voldemort’s reward and promise, Posy had been more complimentary and generous toward her daughter than ever before. Even Perseus reserved one of his rare smiles for his daughter. Phineas was over the moon; he had picked his sister up and spun her around the night of the meeting, cheering and whooping and then opening another bottle of wine to celebrate.

 

Of course, Pansy wasn’t as excited as her family, though she felt like she had been doing a great job of pretending. She smiled and nodded and toasted and cheered, playing her part and doing her duty. But she was terrified, and that terror was what was both drawing her to Malfoy Manor and repelling her away. She wanted to see and talk to Draco so desperately, but she also wanted to keep her distance from the Dark Lord. Luckily she learned that Voldemort was not to be at the party that night, as it would be too widely attended and he didn’t want to put himself at risk.

 

Pansy had chosen robes of midnight blue than shone and sparkled like they contained the stars themselves. They were hideously expensive but Posy hadn’t blinked an eye when charging them to their family credit at the robe maker’s shop. The robes were very daringly cut, hugging her torso and showing off plenty of cleavage, upon which she draped robes of silver chains that sparkled with diamonds. The capelet part of her robe hung over her shoulders and draped all the way down to the ground, ending in a short train. She looked stunning, especially after lining her eyes in dark black kohl and putting on a nude lipstick, highlighting her jawline and sharp cheekbones. She had gone nearly three days without eating in order for those robes to fit her like they did, and she considered it well worth it.

 

Malfoy Manor was a vision of marble and stained glass, the grounds were covered in blankets of pure white, undisturbed magical snow. England hadn’t had any snow yet that winter but the Malfoys worked tirelessly to make their home look perfect, so they had conjured their own. The result was nothing short of magical, and Pansy smiled at the sight. She was thrilled to see Draco, and a new year meant a new start.

 

Pansy was the sort of girl who put a lot of thought into New Years Eve. She knew it might be a superstition, but every year she made a point to celebrate somewhere and with someone who made her happy, hoping that she would always start and end the year in the same way. She believed that the way you spent your midnight on the first of January was indicative of how the rest of your year would go. It was her favorite holiday, and she was determined to make this a good end of year celebration.

 

The entrance hall of Malfoy Manor was still decorated for Christmas, the mighty tree took over the corner by the ornate iron staircase, the chandelier had fresh gold and silver candles flickering amongst the crystals, and there were garlands of fresh greenery everywhere. House elves dressed in immaculate red tea towels carried trays heavily loaded with hors d'oeuvres and glasses of fine champagne, one of which Pansy grabbed immediately upon entering the door. The place was filled to the brim with every important member of magic society, Pansy even caught a glimpse of the former Minister Cornelius Fudge making his way into the ballroom. Her eyes however, were searching the crowd for Draco, and if she dared to think about it, she was searching for Daphne as well.

 

She stepped into the ballroom and looked around through the throngs of immaculately dressed witches and wizards spinning over the pristine white marble floor to the sounds of a string quartet magically playing by itself in the corner. Finally she saw Draco’s icy blonde hair on the other side of the ballroom, and she made her way around the edge of the dancing towards him.

 

“Draco!”

 

He turned and looked her way, and Pansy was relieved to see him smile at the sight of her. She rushed to him and threw her arms around his neck, hugging him tight, leaving the ground with the force of her embrace.

 

“Pansy, thank Merlin you’re here. I’ve been so bored. None of our classmates are here.”

 

He set her down with a wince, and Pansy noticed his eyes had dark circles underneath and his skin was a sort of unhealthy gray colour, “Draco, it’s a holiday, why aren’t you sleeping?”

 

“Not tonight, Pans. Please? I want to drink all this champagne and forget about everything. Aren’t you the one who’s always saying we should start the new year the way we want to end it? I want to be drunk and happy.”

 

“Then let’s get drunk and pretend to be happy.” Pansy raised her glass and Draco mirrored the gestured, and as their glasses met Pansy looked out towards the door to the entrance hall and saw Theo and Blaise enter with champagne of their own in their hands. Pansy waved them over and finished her glass, snapping at an elf to bring another round.

 

Blaise looked extremely handsome in his wine-red robes that made his dark skin shine, and even Theo had made more of an effort than usual, his black robes looked expensive and were nicely tailored.

 

“You lot don’t look half bad,” Pansy teased, “You clean up nicely, Theo.”

 

“Stuff it, Pansy, I hate these robes.”

 

“You do actually look nice, Theo. You too Blaise, but I’m sure you knew that already.”

 

“That I did,” Blaise laughed and spun around in a circle, “I knew I’d see you tonight Pans, so I made the special effort.” He winked at her, but Pansy noticed him looking at Draco as if checking to see if he had noticed him. Draco had noticed, but had looked away embarrassed. _Someone has to do something about those two._

 

“Hey gents, why don’t we grab a couple bottles and find somewhere with a bit fewer… old people. We can try to grab some other people our age too and make our own little party.”

 

“No Veritaserum, right Draco?” Theo teased, and Pansy froze, expecting Draco to get angry.

 

But Draco laughed instead, “Definitely not, no thank you. How about no drinking games at all?”

 

“That’s fair, let’s go.”

 

They wandered the party a bit and managed to find a stash of large unaccompanied bottles of champagne in the cellar. They also were able to find Crabbe, Goyle, Tracey, and Millicent. Millicent’s eyes were puffy and red as if she had been crying, but she brushed off Pansy’s inquiring eyes, “Later,” she said, “It’s nothing big. I’m just emotional.”

 

After one more turn around the lower floor of the house, they found Daphne. Pansy’s heart sped up at the sight of the tiny blonde witch, and she was delighted to note that she was wearing another one of the hair bows that Pansy had bought for her, this time a beautiful shade of pink that contrasted pleasingly with her dove grey silk robes.

 

She was lovely, and her smile warmed Pansy’s heart. This was exactly how she wanted to spend her New Years Eve.

 

The sixth year Slytherins were all together again, and each of them took a bottle of champagne from the cellar and sneaked off to one of the many upstairs bedrooms. Draco told them that it was currently unused, and it was perfect. It had a window with a balcony that looked out over the Malfoy grounds where the eventual fireworks display would be and a huge sofa that sat all of them, though they had to get close to all fit. Pansy nestled herself forcefully between Draco and Daphne, and Blaise was on the other side of Draco, looking tense at how much contact they were making.

 

Midnight drew nearer and the sixth years continued to talk, swapping stories of uncomfortable family Christmas dinners. Tracey told a hilarious story about her grandmother falling asleep on top of the Christmas ham, and Millicent entertained them all with stories of her younger sister’s new talent in accidental magic. Crabbe and Goyle had spent their Christmas together with their families, and nearly everyone spat out mouthfuls of champagne in laughter as Crabbe did an impression of his weird French uncle. The drunker they all got the closer everyone sat, Pansy forced Draco nearly onto Blaise’s lap as she pulled Daphne in tighter to her side, the smaller girl’s arm was around her waist and smiling up at her.

 

Theo left about fifteen minutes before midnight to find Victoria Johnson, whom he was determined to kiss at midnight. He left to a huge cheer from his friends and laughed as he threw a rude gesture over his shoulder. Millicent wandered off a couple minutes after with a sad look on her face. Pansy assumed that she was still missing Eloise and wanted to be alone. Tracey followed Millicent, muttering something about finding a hot Quidditch player to snog. Pansy got up a few minutes before midnight and wandered outside in the cold to get ready to watch the fireworks, silently hoping that Daphne would follow so she could kiss her at midnight.

 

Daphne did eventually come out on the balcony with about five minutes to spare, and after she made sure they were all alone and hidden from everyone, Pansy kissed her hard. Daphne moaned into her mouth but pulled away.

 

“No, Pansy. I meant it when I said we can’t do this anymore. I can’t let myself get closer to you like this only to have you ripped away from me. I can’t. It hurts too much.”

 

“Please Daphne, I can’t do this without you. I need you. We can keeping doing this, Phineas will never know.”

 

“I’m not going to be that kind of girl, Pansy!” Daphne pushed away from Pansy in anger, “I don’t cheat. I don’t want to be tempted by having you and never getting to have you again. I’m not going to be with you then go right home to your brother, expected to lie there and make pureblooded babies and thinking of you. I won’t be that girl, I won’t do it.”

 

“Daphne, wait!” Pansy cried out, but she was gone. She had run back inside and Pansy watched her leave the guest room altogether. Pansy started to cry, thin shoulders heaving, sobs racking her body. She collapsed to her knees and saw her hands were black, covered with her eye makeup that was running down her face. The clocks all started to chime midnight and shouts of “Happy New Year” rang out through the house, and Pansy was alone on her knees on a freezing cold stone balcony, shaking and crying and unsure of what to do next.

 

The door behind her opened and Pansy snapped, “Go away!” But large, warm arms circled her and pulled her into a hug. She clung to the arms that held her and wept for a while. When she had nearly cried herself out, she looked up to see who had grabbed her and was surprised to see it was Goyle, and Crabbe was standing in the doorframe, looking down at her with concern.

 

“You alright, Pansy?” Goyle’s deep voice resonated through her body.

 

“Thanks Greg, I’m alright. Why are you two out here?”

 

“You looked like you needed help, and those two are in there snogging so we figured we’d be more useful out here.”

 

“I appreciate it, thank you.” Pansy sniffled, “I didn’t meant to cause a fuss.”

 

“We’re friends, right? That’s what we’re here for.” Goyle shrugged, still holding Pansy, keeping her warm.

 

Pansy hadn’t ever really considered Greg and Vince to be friends of hers, not even really ever calling them by their first names. But they were always around, not speaking much but providing moral as well as physical support whenever anyone needed them. Pansy realized she was lucky to have them around. She stood up, brushing her robes off and giving Greg a hand up. She then went to Vince and hugged him as well.

 

“Thank you both. I’ll be alright. Who did you say was snogging in here?”

 

She smiled wetly at them over her shoulder as she stepped inside to get out of the cold, only to be confronted with a sight she thought she’d never see- Draco and Blaise wrapped around each other in a sloppy wet kiss, bodies so close they looked like one person.

 

Fireworks erupted through the night sky, illuminating the room and filling it with colour. The boys didn’t notice a thing.

 

 


	20. Chapter Twenty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moving on.

The train back to Hogwarts a couple of days later was the most awkward it had ever been. Daphne and Pansy were sitting on opposite ends of the compartment, barely looking at each other. Blaise was nowhere to be seen, and Draco was lying in Pansy’s lap staring blankly at the ceiling. Tracey and Millicent were on the floor playing the quietest game of Exploding Snap ever, trying not to disturb anybody’s tempers. Only Greg and Vince were talking, albeit in low tones and just about classes and homework that had been assigned over the holiday that they forgot to do. Greg was sitting next to Pansy, who appreciated that he was so close. He was a comforting presence and had taken care of her throughout New Years, helping her clean up her makeup and casting a warming charm to keep her warm. Vince had put a blanket over Draco and Blaise after they had passed out in each other’s arms on the sofa, fully dressed but very disheveled after their intense kiss at midnight. Pansy wondered how many times Greg and Vince had been forced to be the caretakers for their friends, after witnessing how easily they moved around Draco and how quickly they had come to her side, she guessed it was often.

 

Theo came bounding through the door about halfway through the train ride, looking angry and huffing and muttering under his breath. He slammed the door before flopping on the bench between Vince and Daphne, sighing heavily.

 

“Do we have to ask you what’s wrong or are you going to tell us?” Pansy snipped, already annoyed, “Because you’re definitely not just going to sit there and pout and sigh for the next four hours, I’ll spell your mouth into your own arsehole, don’t test me.”

 

“You don’t know that spell,” Theo snapped back, but he sat up straighter anyways, “Anyways it’s just Vic. She turned me down at Malfoy’s and wouldn’t tell me why, now she’s avoiding me and ignoring me when I try to talk to her.”

 

“Maybe it’s because you’re too needy, ever think of that?”

 

Theo threw Pansy a rude gesture but didn’t bring it up again, choosing instead to pull out his Arithmancy textbook and a quill and started taking notes on the page he was reading. Pansy relaxed a little and continued running her fingers through Draco’s hair, trying to will him to fall asleep. He looked worse than he did at New Years, it was painfully obvious that he wasn’t sleeping.

 

What was also painfully obvious was that Daphne kept sneaking glances at her and looking away, trying to hide that she was staring at Pansy. Pansy chose to ignore her, still hurt from New Years and Christmas and well, all of it. She had decided that night under the fireworks that she was going to forget all about Daphne, all about the kisses they had shared, the feeling of her underneath… she was going to forget all of it.

 

As soon as they entered the castle after taking the carriages from Hogsmeade station, a tiny first year in green and silver came running up to them, breathing heavily and obviously scared.

 

“Er, excuse me Mister Draco Malfoy?” Draco nodded, one eyebrow raised, and the first year sighed in relief and continued, “Oh good, er… I have a message from you from Professor Snape.”

 

Draco groaned and took the offered roll of parchment, shooing the relieved first year away, “Snape keeps sending these to me. I get three or four a week. He knows I don’t want to talk to him so he keeps trying to guilt me into it by sending children to deliver the message for him.”

 

“Why don’t you want to talk to him?” Pansy asked, thinking of the last time she had spoken to their Head of House. She had asked Snape to take care of Draco and to keep Bellatrix away from him, and now she was the one who was meeting with the Dark Lord and talking to the Lestranges.

 

“Did I tell you he cornered me right before the break? He caught me wandering around and started demanding that I tell him all my business. He’s a meddlesome old fool and I don’t need him.”

 

Pansy swallowed hard and started leading the way to the common room. She knew somehow that she was the one responsible for Snape cornering Draco, and therefore the reason Draco was furious with his godfather and refusing to speak to him. She decided not to tell Draco that she too was meddling in his business, scared that he would yell at her again.

 

The two of them skipped dinner in favor of attempted to get some sleep before term started in the morning, though neither of them would be very successful at it with Blaise and Daphne so close.

 

\---

 

 

 

The first thing the sixth years saw when they entered the common room in the morning to head to breakfast was a huge sign on the notice board that read:

 

**APPARITION LESSONS**

**If you are seventeen years of age, or will turn seventeen on or before the 31st August next, you are eligible for a twelve-week course of Apparition Lessons from a Ministry of Magic Apparition instructor. Please sign below if you would like to participate. Cost: 12 Galleons.**

“Are you going to sign up?” Pansy asked Draco, “I’m ineligible by exactly one day, this is rubbish.”

 

“Yeah, I suppose I need to get my license, but my mother was giving me a few lessons over the break. It’s easy, but too bad you’re a tiny little baby who is too young to learn anything important.” Draco teased, and Pansy swatted him on the arm. They went up to breakfast together, ignoring their classmates, and especially those they were each trying to avoid. Pansy had barely sat down at the Slytherin table when Ciaran Sullivan plopped down across from her.

 

“Parkinson.”

 

“Sullivan.”

 

They nodded at each other, then Ciaran blurted out, “Can we talk in private please?”

 

Pansy finished her cup of tea and took exactly one bite of her grapefruit, wincing at the sour taste but unwilling to sweeten it. She grabbed her school bag and followed Ciaran out of the Great Hall. Ciaran pulled her into the closest unused classroom and locked the door behind them, leaning on it and preventing Pansy from leaving.

 

“The hell is this, Sullivan?”

 

“I need to talk to you about what happened this Christmas.”

 

“What do you need me for? I was there, you were there, and I know only about as much as you do. We all heard the same instructions.”

 

“He said soldiers, Parkinson. As in fighting, killing, the works. Are you really willing to do that for Him? For this Cause? Henry and Tamara are both really excited for some reason, and even Max is nervous but ready. But I-” He paused, letting his shoulders fall in defeat, “I’m not sure I can do it. And I felt in that room that night that you didn’t either. Or at least, you’re having doubts. I saw your face, you’re scared too. Am I wrong? Are you going to kill me now for admitting that this is hard for me?”

 

Pansy shook her head, “No Ciaran. I’m not going to kill you. I’m not going to kill anyone. That’s not what I’m here for, that’s not what I want. I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I just want to be a part of something, and I want people to see me and think that I’m important and powerful. But killing? Torture? That’s for the Lestranges to handle. You can make of this only what you want, or you can just go along with all of it. But it’s too late to back out now. You’ve seen his face, you’ve heard his voice, and he knows who you are. He knows your family. The Sullivan family has been a huge target for years and you were going to have to choose a side eventually. Now you’re on a side that’s here to promote you and your family and your pureblooded brethren. There are no neutral spots in this war. Get used to it.”

 

Ciaran nodded, defeated, “You’re right. I know you’re right. It just feels…”

 

“Like you’ve lost control over your entire body?”

 

“Exactly.”

 

“It might get easier.”

 

The boy laughed, and pushed his thick red hair out of his eyes, “Doubt it. But here we are.” He stepped away from the door and gestured for her to lead the way. Pansy let go of the breath she didn’t realize she was holding and strode out the door with her spine straight and her head held high.

 

She didn’t have classes on Mondays but she was behind in her holiday homework so she made her way to the library to get some work done. She had to do a long translation for Ancient Runes, something she had found she actually enjoyed doing. It was easy to disappear in another language, another time period, another place, and to focus on the simple shapes instead of her complicated thoughts.

 

The library was surprisingly crowded, full of fifth years who seemed to have suddenly realized that their OWLS were now in sight and they needed to focus. Pansy snickered at a pair of Hufflepuffs who were close to tears as they ripped through a bookshelf in the Charms section looking for a text. She eventually found a chair in the Ancient Runes section and pulled out her translation, groaning when she realized it was even longer than she had previously thought.

 

Someone behind her dropped a book and the entire section glared and shushed them. Pansy sent her meanest glare their way until she noticed it was a second year Slytherin girl struggling with a pile of books nearly as tall as she was. Pansy recognized the second year, when she had been a new prefect she remembered having to show the child where to find the door that led outside so she could go to her flying lesson. She wasn’t from one of the major Pureblood families, so Pansy didn’t remember her name, but seeing a member of her own house- and someone she was supposed to be responsible for- struggling tugged at something inside of her heart. She got up and grabbed the top books from the pile, lightening the load.

 

“Be quiet and point me to where you need these books,” Pansy whispered, and the little girl nodded and gestured toward the seat right next to Pansy, the only open seat in the whole section. Pansy sighed and put the books down, and the girl smiled toothily at her as she got settled in to study.

 

“Thank you Pansy,” the girl whispered.

 

“Don’t mention it. Why are you even in this section, aren’t you only in second year?”

 

“Some big mean boys took my textbooks and wrote all over them in runes, and I’m trying to figure out what they wrote. But runes are hard to read. I think it’s not very nice though.”

 

Pansy took one of the books off the pile and translated some of the writing quickly in her head. She could understand most of it, a lot of it was smudged, some was very poorly translated and badly spelled, and none of it was very kind. “Who wrote this?”

 

“Boys in our house. Fourth years I think, but I don’t know many people. No one really talks to me because I’m a half blood.”

 

Out of reflex, Pansy sneered, and the girl’s face fell and tears welled up in her eyes, “I knew you’d do that. You don’t have to help me or sit next to me, I’ll just go.”

 

Pansy felt guilty, “No, no it’s fine. Don’t cry please. I’m a prefect after all, I suppose I should be helping you. But just so you know, you should probably stop announcing to everyone that you’re a…you know what.”

 

“I thought you knew, you’re basically in charge of the Slytherins and you know everyone.”

 

“I don’t know everyone, clearly.” Someone else at the table they were sharing shushed them and Pansy sent back her meanest glare, which made the Ravenclaws at the end of the table cower in fear. “Anyways…”

 

“Carla.”

 

“Anyways Carla, being a half blood isn’t the worst thing you could be. You could be a Mudblood and then those boys would have written far worse things in here. And honestly if you were a Mudblood I wouldn’t be helping you.” Pansy waved her wand over the pages and the ink was gently siphoned away. It was a nice charm she had learned when she was first learning how to apply makeup at eleven years old and was the first charm she had learned to do nonverbally. She went book by book and removed all of the graffiti, and little Carla looked on in amazement as her books became like new.

 

“Thank you Pansy.”

 

“Don’t mention it. No really, don’t mention it. I have a reputation to maintain.” Pansy looked around the table but no one was looking at them, both too afraid of her and too focused on their own work, “Now get out of here and get to class.”

 

“It’s History of Magic next,” Carla whispered with a whine, “I hate that class.”

 

Pansy laughed, earning her another shush from the Ravenclaws. She threw two fingers up at them, “Binns is boring, but if you fail it you’ll be really embarrassed. Don’t make Slytherin look bad, that’s the best thing you can do for your house, even as a half blood. Always remember that people want to think the worst of you, but you have the power to prove them wrong.”

 

“I remember you saying that last year on the first night, after we got sorted.”

 

“It’s still true. Now please get out of here.”

 

The twelve year old girl jumped out of the seat, gathered her things and waved vigorously at Pansy as she ran out of the library to avoid being late for History of Magic. Pansy smirked as she watched her go, then the hairs on the back of her neck stood up, and she got the distinct sensation that she was being watched.

 

She spun around fast in her seat and looked down the stack of books and saw Daphne leaning against the far wall, staring at her. Her heart started pounding as she made eye contact with her roommate, neither of them smiling. Daphne looked away first and hurried out of the library, and Pansy shook her head to clear it. _No distractions. No Daphne. I have to move on._


	21. Chapter Twenty One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're lonely at Hogwarts. (short)

CHAPTER TWENTY ONE

 

 

Time passes quickly at Hogwarts when you don’t have the distraction of personal drama. Every day you wake up, avoid your roommates, go to class, do your homework, and go to bed. If you feel like it you eat at the Great Hall, avoiding eye contact and ignoring the strange looks you get from your classmates and lifelong friends. If you’re lucky you’re the first one to use the bathroom at the end of the day so you can close your curtains and hide away, throwing a silencing charm up if you feel like crying.

 

Time passes slowly at Hogwarts if you lack the distraction of friends, the company of a lover, or the attention of your housemates. You can go for weeks and fade into the background of your rooms, blending into tapestries and cold stone walls, turning in acceptable but not exceptional schoolwork. You can keep your eyes down and try sleeping through your nightmares as best as you can without a hand to hold.

 

If you go ahead and let time pass either slowly or quickly at Hogwarts while you’re doing your best to hide away from the world, the castle turns into a labyrinth of memories and loneliness, of facts and figures and indifference. You lose yourself in the walls and the ancient marble staircases and the judgmental portraits whispering in your wake. Your life loses color. The school is not a place to isolate yourself, but if you try to do just that you can become part of the very rock the castle was built on, hidden and secret and just one of many Lost Things.

 

Here are a few things you learn from being a Lost Thing at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. You learn that most of the teachers don’t even bother doing rounds more than a floor or two away from their own rooms. You learn that Snape is one of the exceptions to this rule when he commands you to go to bed when he finds you at the top of the Astronomy Tower five minutes before curfew. You learn where the entrances to all the common rooms are and how to get in each one. You learn that the elves in the kitchen are terrified of anyone in green and silver and you laugh. You memorize the layout of the library and find a new reading nook that would be perfect except it seems the only other person that has found it is Hermione Granger and she’s faster after Charms class than you are.

 

You learn that you love the sound of the wind rushing through the western most hallway on the sixth floor. You learn that the Giant Squid will wave at you if you’re alone on the rock outcrop on the far end of the lake, but not if there is another person within sight. You learn that a rogue owl who refuses to nest inside the owlry has built a nest and is raising three baby owls in the broken bay window on the eighth floor that looks out over the road to Hogsmeade. You learn that the mermaids who swim up to the big glass window inside the Slytherin common room will jab their spears at you and try to scream if they see you crying in front of them. You learn that somehow there’s a nook on the fifth floor that no prefect ever investigates and that’s where people go to snog. Unfortunately you learn this when you stumble upon Tracey Davis and her seventh year, her up against the wall, him with his hand up her shirt.

 

You learn that Ronald Weasley and Lavender Brown are one big fight away from breaking up.

 

You learn that the Gryffindor girl who was attacked in Hogsmeade is back and only remembers entering the bathroom at the Three Broomsticks and then nothing.

 

You learn that Tamara Shafiq practiced the Imperius Curse on a Hufflepuff fourth year and made her dance outside in the melting snow in front of her entire year.

 

You learn that that fourth year Hufflepuff then tried to brew herself a potion that would erase the embarrassment but instead only landed her in the hospital, inches from death.

 

You learn that Crabbe and Goyle have been stealing Polyjuice Potion. You don’t learn why. Not yet.

 

You learn that Draco is about as alone as you are. But he’s working on something big, something monumental. He’s working on something that will save his life, change his life, change the world. And he’s close.


	22. Chapter Twenty Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything goes wrong.

CHAPTER TWENTY TWO

 

 

“Draco, please will you tell me what’s going on?”

 

“Pansy I told you already, I’m working on something. It’s a secret. But it’s massive and will bring glory and honor back to my family.”

 

Pansy raised an eyebrow, “What do you mean back to the family?”

 

Draco sighed and lay back on the bed. The two of them were in the Hospital Wing sitting on Draco’s cot in the infirmary. It was the first nice Saturday of the year, it was April and the rest of their year, and indeed most of the school, was out of the castle and on the grounds enjoying the sun and the warmer weather. But Draco had just been attacked by Harry Potter in a bathroom, using a curse that neither Draco nor Pansy had ever heard of. Draco was lucky to be alive; he had suffered extreme wounds to his torso, and had been left with deep scars that looked as though they would never fade.

 

Pansy had successfully avoided having any conversations longer than a few sentences with her classmates since January, and hadn’t spoken directly to Daphne once since New Years. She could tell that Millicent and Tracey were uncomfortable, but the first time they tried to ask her to talk Pansy had given them the coldest stare she could, and they hadn’t tried again.

 

But suddenly Draco and Potter had a confrontation in Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom on the second floor that left Draco bleeding and seconds from death. Luckily Professor Snape had saved his life and Pansy had skipped three days of classes in order to be by Draco’s side. She had wasted no time telling their classmates and anyone who would listen that Potter was a dreadful, evil boy who had attacked Draco for no reason, and she was pleased to have heard that her words had spread throughout the school. Everyone knew that Potter and Draco had been at each other’s throats for six years, but none of them had deliberately drawn blood the way that Potter had.

 

Draco continued, “My father has disgraced himself. He was beaten by Potter and his Order lot and now I have to be the one to bring the Malfoy family back to greatness. It’s all I can do to protect my mother. And trust me, Pansy, I’ll do it. I’m so close.”

 

He leaned in towards her and placed a gentle, chaste kiss on her lips, “I’m going to succeed. And it’s going to be soon.”

 

Pansy sighed into his lips, relishing their closeness, “Draco, the Dark Lord wants to arrange my marriage. I don’t want to be forced to marry an old man, can’t we just be married? I’ll let you do whatever you want with whomever you want. You don’t even have to fuck me, we’ll just pretend we can’t have children.”

 

“You know that’s not my call, Pans, as much as I’d love to enter into a sexless marriage,” he rolled his eyes, “And once the war had started in earnest, there probably won’t be time for all that. We’ll have to wait until the Dark Lord has taken over the Ministry and the school. And the part I have to play is very important in all that.”

 

“Important to the Ministry and Hogwarts takeover? Draco, it can’t be-”

 

“Why do you doubt me? Do you think I’m not capable of accomplishing such an important task? Do you think I can’t keep my mother safe?” Draco sat up again, fists clenched at his side, seething through his teeth. Pansy gently put a hand on his chest to counter him.

 

“You know that’s not what I said, Draco. Stop trying to make me the bad guy!”

 

Draco’s shoulders dropped and his face fell, “I know, I know. I’m just so close. So close to succeeding and so close to proving my worth. And the Dark Lord will elevate me and protect my mother and everything will be fine. We’re going to win this, I swear.”

 

Pansy wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him in tight but was careful not to agitate his wound, “I know. She’ll be safe, you’ll be rewarded, and I’ll be married. Can you just promise me one thing?”

 

“Anything.”

 

“Just always be around. Be my friend. Never leave me alone.”

 

“I promise. I’ll never leave you behind.” Draco hugged her tighter and kissed the top of her head, but Pansy didn’t believe a single word he said.

 

 

\---

 

 

She was right to not believe him. He left in May.

 

Nothing bizarre or interesting happened leading up to Snape and Draco’s betrayal, one day he was there and the next he was gone, and in his wake the whole castle was thrown into a panic.

 

Draco had become more and more affectionate, more confident, and had started eating again. He seemed to be sure that whatever he was planning was about to not only come to fruition but was about to be a glorious success. But he was also on edge, waiting for something to happen, some sort of sign.

 

One night a hard pounding on the door to their room awaked Pansy and her roommates in the middle of the night. Millicent, being closest to the door, was the first to her feet, and threw open the door yelling, “What the fuck do you want?”

 

Blaise and Theo were on the other side, the latter looking as pale as he had ever been and the former was shirtless and sweating.

 

“The Dark Mark is above the castle. Word is that Dumbledore is dead and Draco and Snape are gone.”

 

Pansy’s eyes instinctively sought Daphne’s, even after all those months of ignoring each other and not speaking, her first instinct in a panic was to find the girl and find comfort in her presence. But Daphne looked just as scared as she felt, and Pansy’s heart beat faster at the sight of Daphne’s terrified eyes.

 

Daphne reached out for Pansy’s hand and she took it before addressing Blaise and Theo, “Can we all go and find out what happened? Together?”

 

Blaise nodded and the entire sixth year girl dormitory ran out into the common room and met up with Vince and Greg, the only other sixth year boys they could find. Together they all ran out of the common room and up the stairs to the main levels of the castle. Parts of the main staircase and the entrance hall looked as though they had blown to bits with a curse, and kids of all ages and houses were milling around in their pajamas and dressing robes, talking about what was happening and spreading rumors. The Slytherins stuck together amongst whispers and glares and made their way outside, where most of the school seemed to be gathered. A crowd had formed around something on the ground, and word spread to them quickly that it was the body of Headmaster Dumbledore.

 

Pansy had never harbored any love or affection towards the man, she had seen him give Gryffindor house and especially Potter such reverence and special treatment that she had even held a grudge against him, but she had never wished him dead, especially not how they had found him. When they had finally made their way to the front of the crowd, the saw that Dumbledore was totally broken, his limbs skewed at unnatural angles and his eyes glassy and open, staring at nothing.

 

It suddenly occurred to Pansy that this must have been Draco’s doing, that this must have been his task. Snape must have been helping him and guiding him along the way, and that’s why they both were missing. She gasped and started to cry, and Daphne’s hand gripped hers tighter.

 

“Pansy, you’re the prefect. You have to help give directions.” Millicent’s raw voice cut through her thoughts.

 

“You’re right. I have to do something.” She reluctantly let go of Daphne’s hand and raised her wand to her throat, casting the Sonorous charm to amplify her voice, “Prefects, get your house inside to the common rooms. Await instructions from your head of house. Slytherins, follow me.”

 

Her scratchy voice brought many people out of their thoughts and her fellow prefects started to mobilize, bringing all the younger years together and forcing them back inside. Pansy shot up some green sparks to alert the Slytherins to her presence and saw the Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, and Ravenclaw prefects do the same with their respective house colors. The procession of students was shockingly quiet as they move back into the castle and made their way to the common rooms.

 

Once inside the common room Pansy did a quick head count and called for the younger years to account for their own roommates. No one was missing except for Draco, and Pansy and the Slytherins had no choice but to wait for someone to come and tell them what to do.

 

After several minutes of delegating other upper year students to comfort crying younger students, the door into the common room opened, making everyone go silent. The enormous frame of Professor Slughorn stepped in, and Pansy’s blood ran cold. She knew immediately that what Blaise had told her had been true- Draco and Snape were both gone.

 

“Children, I need everyone to remain calm. I’m going to be acting as head of house from now on and I need everyone’s quiet and respect. Do Slytherin proud, do you understand?”

 

Everyone nodded, and Slughorn continued, “The Headmaster is dead, and classes and exams for the year have been cancelled. Until further notice you are all to remain here in the dormitory amongst your Slytherin brethren. Do not leave these rooms. We will send you all home as soon as we are able. In the meantime if you have access to your owl we recommend that you let your parents know that you are safe and out of harm’s way. And share your owls with your classmates so they may tell their parents as well. Everyone please return to your rooms and try to get some rest. I would like to talk to the prefects now in private please. You’re all dismissed.”

 

Pansy and the fifth year prefects made their way to Slughorn. He looked at them all with deep sadness in his eyes, and when his gaze fell on Pansy he grimaced and a tear fell down his cheek.

 

“I need you all to remain calm and continue to be a resource for these kids. You’re the leaders here and we need to make Slytherin proud. A terrible thing has happened tonight. Your former head of house has been accused of being the one to kill Dumbledore and the source is extremely credible. I have no reason to doubt that this is true. It’s a terrible thing but we as a house will overcome together. We’re going to remain in the castle until the funeral, but every child and their parents have the right to go whenever they need. Please try to keep the peace and be a resource for these kids. They’re going to need you.”

 

Pansy nodded, then spoke, her voice cracking, “And what about Draco, Professor?”

 

Slughorn winced again, “Draco appears to be the one who let the Death Eaters into the castle in order to accomplish this terrible deed. He’s gone.”

 

Pansy started crying again and turned to go back to her room, ignoring the glares from the fifth year prefects and slamming the door behind her. Her roommates looked up from where they were sitting all together on Daphne’s bed.

 

“Pansy, are you alright?” Millicent asked, and Tracey slapped her arm.

 

“Stupid fucking question, Mils. Of course she’s not! This is horrible. Was it really Draco? What did Slughorn say?”

 

Pansy nodded weakly and sat on her own bed across from her friends, “It was Draco and Snape. Draco let Death Eaters into the castle and they fought with that Order lot. Snape ran away with Draco. Apparently that’s what Draco has been working on all year, why he was so moody and distant and ill. I should have been able to stop this, Draco shouldn’t have had to do it. If the Dark Lord wanted it done it should have been done by an adult.”

 

“You couldn’t have stopped it, Pans. If the Dark Lord told him to do it then he had to do it. Not even you can stop the will of the Dark Lord, though I think you’re stubborn enough to try.” Daphne smiled gently at Pansy, who laughed a little at that, though her heart still hurt both at the events of the night and the sight of Daphne’s perfect smile.

 

“So what’s going to happen to us?”

 

“As soon as our parents hear about what happened, they’re going to pull us out right away, I’m sure of it. But everyone else is probably going to stay until the funeral. If they keep the school open next year I’ll be very surprised.”

 

“We’re all going to be of age this summer, we could drop out if we wanted to. Do any of you want to come back?” Tracey asked.

 

Daphne and Millicent shook their heads, but Pansy nodded, “I do want to come back. I want to finish my education and get my NEWTS. If I’m going to be forced into a marriage to someone I barely know, I want to do it knowing all I can about the world so I don’t lose myself. I want to get all I can out of this place. It’s been our home for six years, don’t you feel like we should finish what we started?”

 

Daphne nodded, and Tracey and Millicent followed suit. Pansy smiled her first real smile in weeks. Even if everything else was about to change, she would still have Hogwarts and her friends.

 

 

END OF SIXTH YEAR

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be moving onto seventh year, just a couple of chapters of what the girls get up to while Snape is in charge of Hogwarts. Will we get a happy ending for our girls? Let's find out!


	23. Chapter Twenty Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Train time.

CHAPTER TWENTY THREE

 

 

Pansy would have been forbidden to return to Hogwarts the following year, except that once Voldemort had taken over the school, demanded that all magical children be placed under his control, and installed Snape as Headmaster, her parents were more willing to accept the idea that their daughter wanted to finish her schooling before she got married. They loved the idea of Snape as Headmaster, and even better was that Snape had appointed Pansy as Head Girl.

 

Her Hogwarts letter had been heavier than usual and when the shiny gold badge had fallen out her mother had actually screamed with joy, which had never happened once in Pansy’s memory, not even when she had received a silver badge in the mail when she had been named prefect.

 

Pansy was thrilled of course, but her excitement was dampened by the knowledge that if Dumbledore or McGonagall or really anyone else had been running the school, the Head Girl honor would not have been hers. It was supposed to be Hermione Granger’s badge.

 

The Parkinson family spent most of the summer planning for Phineas and Daphne’s wedding that would take place right after school was to let out in June. Each week the Parkinsons and the Greengrasses would get together and take tea and plan the elaborate and extremely expensive ceremony. Pansy and Daphne were friends again after how terrifying the end of school had been back in late May, and they wrote letters constantly even though they saw each other at least once a week. She wrote weekly to Millicent, Tracey, Greg, Vince, and Blaise as well, and got one letter back from Theo, which was more than she expected. But when the first of September rolled around and Pansy was finishing packing her bags to go back to Hogwarts, she still hadn’t heard from Draco.

 

She wasn’t even sure if Draco was going to come back to school, even though it was mandatory for all magical students, Draco wasn’t just a student but a fully Marked Death Eater who had run away from school after nearly murdering the former Headmaster. But the current Headmaster had murdered the former Headmaster, so the situation was not exactly normal.

 

_Dear Draco,_

_I hope you get this before we return to school. I’ve written you dozens of letters this summer but haven’t been able to send a single one with any substance. What could I say to you? You kept a massive secret from me all year and it was just about the biggest secret you could have ever had. I don’t blame you for not telling me, I just wished that you had trusted me with any of it, even the smallest sliver. You’re my best friend and I know you were hurting and I KNEW then that you were hurting but I couldn’t do anything to help. I want to help you. I want to hold you and love you and care for you, but I know you won’t let me. I might not even send this letter, I know how you hate being coddled. I just want you to know that I’m here for you and I love you and I miss you. I don’t care what you did or what you’re going to do. I’ll be here._

_I wish I knew if you were coming back to Hogwarts. I wish I knew if you were Head Boy. I wish that you had responded to any of my letters, even if they weren’t much of anything. Please write soon._

_With all my love,_

_Pansy_

 

When she stepped onto Platform 9 and 3/4s the first thing she noticed was that it was eerily quiet. Normally there would have been huge crowds of children running around with their friends, screaming and causing mayhem. But on the platform parents were either keeping their children tightly next to them or putting them immediately on the train and leaving. No crowds of parents lingered, catching up with old classmates, all pets were tightly locked in cages, and more than one child from the younger years was crying.

 

Pansy went alone to the compartment that she and her classmates usually occupied on the way to school and found Vince and Greg sitting together quietly, flipping through an old comic book. She put her trunk away and squeezed each of them on the shoulder with a smile before making her way to the front of the train and the prefect’s compartment, where she knew she had to run the first prefect meeting of the year.

 

She was surprised to find the compartment occupied not by any prefects or the Head Boy, but by two hulking people, a man and a woman, in long black robes and angry expressions. It took Pansy a moment but she eventually recognized them as Amycus and Alecto Carrow, a brother and sister pair who were Marked Death Eaters and some of Voldemort’s favorite servants.

 

“There’s the little Parkinson girl. Glad you could join us.” Amycus smiled, his teeth yellow and crooked.

 

“We’re here to help give instructions and keep watch over the train. Headmaster Snape sent us.” Alecto grimaced when she said the title ‘Headmaster’ as though he didn’t feel that Snape deserved the honor.

 

Pansy swallowed hard, “Great, thank you both. I’ll just run this meeting like I remember the Head Girl last year doing it, and then we can all relax. Prefect rounds are easy to assign.”

 

“We’re just going to have some words with the prefects and let you handle the rest.”

 

Pansy sat in the compartment looking over her Head Girl papers, trying to memorize the names of the students who had been assigned as prefects in their houses. She still didn’t know who the Head Boy was going to be, but she desperately hoped it would be Draco. She hadn’t spoken to him since the end of the last term, but he was still her friend and she missed him. The door opened and revealed a boy in blue and bronze lined robes with a silver badge on his chest entered the cabin. Pansy recognized him as the Ravenclaw prefect from her year but had completely forgotten his name.

 

“Parkinson, I’m not surprised to see you here, given who chooses the heads.”

 

“I’d come up with something clever in return, but I actually don’t remember who you are or what your name is.”

 

The boy frowned, “Anthony Goldstein, we’ve had classes together for six, going on seven years now.”

 

“Yes well, I don’t usually remember the names of unimportant people.”

 

“Seriously, this is how we’re going to start the year? We’ve just got started.”

 

“Then don’t lead with assuming that I only got the job because Snape is my head of house.”

 

“You’re right,” Pansy was surprised to see actual remorse on Goldstein’s face, “I’m sorry. It’s just been a really stressful day already. Truce?”

 

He offered a hand, which Pansy sneered at but shook anyways. The compartment door opened and prefects from all houses started filing in but there was still no sign of Draco, nor were Ronald Weasley or Hermione Granger in the room. There didn’t appear to be seventh year Gryffindor prefects at all. Once they were in and seated, Pansy decided to go on her own, she cleared her throat and started the speech she had heard two different Head Girls make.

 

“Welcome back to another year at Hogwarts. You’ve all been chosen to represent your houses based on academic and social success. You’re all leaders and scholars and are to be a resource for your housemates as well as a liaison between the younger students and us. I’m Head Girl Pansy Parkinson and I’m the liaison between you and the Headmaster. Anything that goes on with your charges gets brought to me, and anything severe enough gets brought from me to the Headmaster. Are we all clear?”

 

Every head in the compartment nodded, and Pansy continued, “Your jobs will be to do rounds around the castle at least once a week to catch any rule breakers. You don’t have the power to take away points, but you can recommend detentions and we’ll handle it with their head of house. You’re also responsible for helping the first years navigate the castle and tutor anyone you have time for. We know you’re all really busy with your own studies but we want you to help people and foster a relationship with other students so they know who they can go to for help if they’re not comfortable talking to a teacher.”

 

Pansy was about to assign train rounds next, but the Carrows stood up, towering over everyone in the room.

 

“That’s all well and good. Very cute.”

 

“Yes, that was adorable. But see, that’s how prefects used to work. This year is going to be a little bit different.”

 

“This year prefects not only have the power to take and give points and give detentions, but also you have the power to hex or curse anyone who tries to stop you from doing your job.”

 

“Anyone caught doing anything out of line should be treated with the maximum sentence. Zero tolerance. Use the Cruciatus if you have to.”

 

Every mouth in the room fell wide open, and the other seventh year Ravenclaw prefect, one of the Patil twins said, “With all due respect…”

 

“Professor Carrow. Muggle Studies. And that’s my brother, he’s also Professor Carrow, and he’s teaching Dark Arts. And we’re also in charge of discipline.”

 

“Don’t you mean Defense Against the Dark Arts?” A fifth year Gryffindor asked.

 

“No I do not.”

 

A silence fell over the room, and the younger students looked terrified.

 

“Feel free to explore some new curses that you’ve always wanted to try, and get creative. You’re our eyes and ears out there. Make us proud. You’re all dismissed.”

 

The prefects all got to their feet quickly and ran for the door, most of them with obvious horror on their faces.

 

“Wait you need to do rounds on the train! Gryffindors on the hour, Ravenclaws on the quarter after, Hufflepuffs on the half hour, Slytherins at the quarter to! Don’t forget!” Pansy called after them all, but it as useless as the room had cleared out the second they were dismissed, each student disappearing so fast they might as well have all Apparated out.

 

Pansy remained in the cabin, speechless.

 

“That went well.”

 

“I think so too, brother.” Alecto grinned and patted Pansy hard on the back, making her knees buckle, “You did great, Little Pansy. Keep it up and we’ll give the Dark Lord an extremely favorable report.”

 

“Do you know where Draco is?”

 

“Last I heard his mum was trying to keep him home for the year, but she might just Floo him straight to the castle. A little too protective, that one.”

 

Pansy nodded, and left the compartment, heading back to the one she had left her things in with Vince and Greg. When she got there she was relieved to see that Daphne, Theo, and Blaise were all there, and Millicent and Tracey’s trunks were on the rack. Things felt almost back to normal.

 

Almost.

 

She collapsed between Blaise and Daphne and laid her head on Blaise’s lap, who laughed and pushed her away.

 

“You’re not doing that to me, Parkinson, I’ve seen Malfoy lay in your lap all these years and I know as soon as you lay down I’m going to be stuck petting your head for the next eight hours.”

 

Pansy whined in a rather undignified manner, which made Daphne laugh and pat her lap. Without thinking about it, Pansy collapsed in the other direction and lay her head in Daphne’s lap. Daphne’s fingers immediately went to her scalp and started scratching. Pansy moaned lightly at the welcome touch and was pleased to see that Daphne blushed at the sound but didn’t move her hand. Pansy may not have been able to kiss or hold Daphne since the New Year, but she still got pleasure from seeing the beautiful witch smile or blush. She knew they couldn’t be together, but she was not about to push Daphne away, not when she was looking down at her with a small sad smile and pushing Pansy’s hair out of her face.

 

Pansy smiled up at Daphne and closed her eyes, letting the rocking of the train and the hand on her head lull her to a much needed sleep. When she woke up a few hours later, Daphne had also fallen asleep stretched across their half of the bench. They had moved around in their sleep so that they were essentially cuddling, and Pansy opened her eyes to see Blaise and Theo winking at her. She blushed but didn’t move. She was so warm and content here with Daphne, her presence comforting and sweet. She could smell the lavender soap that the blonde preferred, and she flashed back to that first night they had kissed, the smell of Daphne’s fresh clean skin, her small hands running across her back and through her hair. Pansy shifted uncomfortably, trying to stop thinking about it and trying to get her body to stop reacting to her memories, but when she started shifting she woke Daphne up. The two girls sat up quickly, both blushing and obviously uncomfortable.

 

“Sorry, I guess I really needed the sleep.”

 

“Me too.”

 

The two girls sat a respectable distance apart for the rest of the trip, even when their compartment was completely crowded with both Millicent and Tracey returning. Blaise continued to send Pansy winks and smiles, which she ignored completely. Finally the train started to slow down and the now seventh year Slytherins donned their outer robes and ties, ready to start their final year at Hogwarts. They all knew it was going to be an unconventional year, but Slytherins are nothing if not resourceful and adaptable. They could handle a challenge.


	24. Chapter Twenty Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter where I decided the rating needed to be changed. This is now an explicit fic!

CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR

 

 

Challenge was a bit of an understatement. Even though Snape had been their head of house and heavily favored them in previous years, as Headmaster he spent all of his time locked up in the Headmaster’s office, allowing Slughorn to be both Potions professor and head of Slytherin house. Slughorn was obviously having a hard time, he had lost weight and his skin had gone sallow with stress, and he neglected opening his office for tutoring hours or checking up on the Slytherins, leaving it up to Pansy to handle. Pansy was attempting to continue on with her NEWTS from the previous year, but the Astronomy professor, Professor Sinistra, had gone missing over the summer and Snape had yet to hire a replacement over a month into classes.

 

Defense Against the Dark Arts had indeed become Dark Arts, a subject that Pansy was picking up rather well. She excelled at hexes and was even becoming proficient in several nonverbal hexes and shields. The only problem was that in Dark Arts class, they were often forced to practice on each other, which proved difficult. She didn’t want to hurt any of her friends, so she was made to practice on a rule breaker or two.

 

As much as Pansy thought that Neville Longbottom was annoying and incompetent, she didn’t ever necessarily want to cause him any lasting harm. But with Professor Carrow standing right there watching and ready to write up a report to the Dark Lord, Pansy practiced the Cruciatus curse on the boy. His blood-curdling scream ripped from his throat but Pansy held on, hurting the boy over and over again to teach him a lesson. _Fall in line. Stay alive and stay afloat. He should be doing the same_. It was a pity to spill Pure blood, but Longbottom had grown a spine and was causing all sort of trouble around the school, and taking away points just wasn’t helpful any more.

 

What was also completely unhelpful was Draco Malfoy’s attitude. By the time he had finally made it to the castle, classes had been in session for nearly two days. He sauntered in with his gold Head Boy’s badge on his chest, staring straight ahead and not answering any questions. He barely spoke at all, not in class and certainly not to Pansy, though she certainly had spent the last few weeks of classes trying to get him to talk to her.

 

“Draco please, I need you to talk to me.”

 

“I’m not talking right now, Pansy. I don’t have time.” He tried to walk away but she grabbed him by his very thin arm, and she spun him around to face her.

 

“I’m doing this all alone, Draco! You’re Head Boy, can’t you help me just a little bit?”

 

“I’m doing what I can, Pansy. You’re handling it. I don’t want to talk about this anymore, I’m really busy.”

 

“Don’t blow me off, Draco! You promised me that you wouldn’t leave me, and you did. If you’ve ever valued our friendship at all you’d talk to me! What happened that made you turn from me?”

 

“It’s not about you, Pansy. Things are different now. I’m not talking about it and you had better leave off and leave me alone.”

 

Pansy had better and more important things to do than just watch Draco mope around, she had been through this same pattern with him before and did not want to do it again. So she left him alone, only occasionally asking Blaise for status updates on whether or not Draco was eating or sleeping. He apparently was doing both but sparingly, so Pansy left him to it.

 

Even though Draco was Head Boy and was supposed to be doing duties alongside her, Pansy was left alone with all of the paperwork and organizing, and with the Carrows’ new discipline plans in place, she had to deal with a lot of detention slips and other paperwork. At the beginning of the year it felt as though every student was getting detention or points taken away every day, but as time passed and the kids got used to the new status quo, rule breakers were fewer and farther between.

 

That was until Neville Longbottom went missing.

 

One day he was there and the next he seemed to have vanished into thin air. No one remembered seeing him leave, and no one knew how he could have gotten out of the castle. There were defensive spells layered like chain links all over the walls of the castle that didn’t even let the wind in most days, but somehow an entire student had gone missing.

 

The Carrows put every one of Longbottom’s remaining year mates into detention for a week, each of them bleeding “I must not keep secrets” from the back of their hands every morning at breakfast. Potter, Granger, and Weasley had been missing from day one but that was to be expected, this disappearance meant that there was an operative inside or outside the castle that could help kids escape. Pansy didn’t care at all about the Longbottom boy, but the risk of losing any of the younger kids actually terrified her, she knew that despite all the Death Eaters and Unforgivable Curses around, there wasn’t a single place safer than Hogwarts.

 

 

\---

 

 

A few months of never ending classes, paperwork, rounds, and the very unusual dual task of comforting crying students and punishing misbehaving ones, and Pansy was at the end of her rope. Christmas holidays were fast approaching and the school had lost three more students, all sixth and seventh years. No one had any idea where they could have gone, and the Carrows were starting to blame Pansy and Draco for not being able to keep everyone in line. Draco had simply shrugged and walked away, and Pansy could tell that the Carrows were too afraid of him to force him to do anything. Unfortunately that meant their wrath focused on Pansy.

 

“Miss Parkinson, you’ve been failing in your Head Girl duties.”

 

She was cornered in the Dark Arts classroom. Draco had just left her alone with the Carrows, and dread started to creep into her chest.

 

“I- I’m doing my best,” she stammered, “I don’t know how they keep getting out of the castle. I’m focused on keeping the youngest kids in class and out of trouble, I can’t watch everyone at once.”

 

Pansy gasped as Alecto’s wand pressed into her throat, and the woman chuckled, “You’ll do better or you’ll pay. It’s that simple.” She grabbed Pansy by the hair and threw her to the ground towards the door, snarling “Get out!”

 

Pansy’s eyes started to well up, her scalp ached and she had skinned her knees pretty bad on the cold stone floor, but she kept her head high as she walked back to the dungeons. She passed a group of very small Hufflepuffs that screamed a little and ran away when they caught the angry look on her face. Pansy wanted to go after them and insist that she wasn’t about to torture them, but she knew it wouldn’t be worth it. She had become a tool of the Death Eaters that ran the school, and she was barely holding herself afloat. _Fall in line. Stay alive._

 

The pain in her knees was getting worse as she limped down the stairs toward the Slytherin dungeons, and by the time she reached the common room door she could barely stand for the pain. She let herself in the room and looked around, spotting Millicent and Tracey in their usual far corner. She limped to them and collapsed on the sofa beside Millicent, who immediately noticed Pansy’s scraped, bruised, and bleeding knees.

 

“Shit Pans, what happened?”

 

“Take a guess.” Pansy sighed, pulling out her wand to heal her injuries.

 

“Let me do it, I’m really good at healing spells.” Tracey pulled out her wand and got to work, siphoning up the blood and reducing the swelling almost immediately.

 

“Wow Trace, that was quick. You’re really good at that.”

 

“I think I’d like to try to be a Healer after Hogwarts. That is, if I don’t get married off right away to some bloke who wants to keep me from working. I’m taking all the right NEWTS for it.”

 

Pansy nodded, smiling at the thought of her friend in a nurse’s uniform like Madame Pomfrey. She could see it, despite being a little rough around the edges sometimes, Tracey had a fair and funny demeanor and didn’t shy away from anything. She’d make a great healer.

 

“What about you Mills? Any big plans?”

 

“None. Was thinking about living off my parents’ money for a while, travel the world, see some crazy shit. Then maybe I’ll open a shop. I’d like to find out what happened to…you know. I bet I could throw a lot of money at the Aurors and make them look for her.”

 

Pansy and Tracey nodded, they knew Millicent was referring to Eloise Midgen, her girlfriend that had gone missing ages ago. They hadn’t heard a single thing from her since her Muggle parents had been found dead.

 

“She’s probably on the registry,” Tracey mused, referring to the Muggleborn registry that had recently been passed into law, “If she’s alive and out there, the Snatchers will find her.”

 

“Don’t say that! They’ll hurt her!”

 

“Better than her being dead, Millie! At least if she gets Snatched, you’ll know the truth.”

 

Millicent bowed her head and didn’t argue, but Pansy could see the tears threatening to fall. Just then Daphne came in through the door, eyes lighting up when they met Pansy’s, and the two girls smiled at each other.

 

“Hey all, are you turning in?” She walked towards them in the corner, and Pansy stood to greet her.

 

“I was just about to, yeah.”

 

Daphne smiled, and Pansy’s heart clenched tight in her chest at the sight. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Millicent roll her eyes but she chose to ignore it.

 

“Yes, let’s all go to bed.” Tracey said and gestured for Daphne and Pansy to lead the way. They reached their room and right as Pansy and Daphne passed through the door, their wands flew out of their hands and the door slammed shut behind them.

 

“What? Tracey, what are you playing at?”

 

“Are you mental?”

 

Pansy tried to open the door but it was locked with a powerful charm. And Tracey had taken her wand. She pounded on the door with her fist, “Open the fucking door Davis, or I’ll hex your elbows and knees backwards! Don’t try to test me on that spell, I know it nonverbally now!”

 

“Oh calm down you loudmouth cunt. I’m locking you two in there for your own good. Talk about it, for fuck’s sake. It’s driving me and Millie mad.”

 

Millicent grunted in agreement and Pansy’s heart sank. She turned to Daphne who was bright red and trembling a little.

 

“I’m sorry Daph, it’s my fault, I couldn’t stop smiling and flirting with you and they caught on. They think we’re going to get together and date, and I know you don’t want that to happen so we can just forget about it all together. We’ll tell them we talked it over and decided to not be together. They don’t need to know the truth.

 

“And what is the truth, Pansy?” Daphne said, her voice shaking, “The truth? That we’ve kissed three times, each more intense and wonderful than the last? That we’re great together and great for each other but destiny or fate or whatever for some reason thought it would be hilarious to have our parents marry me off to your brother? That every single day I look at you like you’re my world and the sun and stars within and break inside knowing I can never have you? Your friendship and our closeness are all that keeps me alive someday Pansy, life has gotten so dark and weird and terrible lately but you’re so strong and in charge and you make me feel safe and protected. I can’t go a day without seeing your face, is that what we shouldn’t tell them? That I adore you and I think you like me and yet we’re trapped and doomed to always be near each other forever?”

 

“You think that I just might _like_ you? You don’t know the half of it, Daphne! How you could ever see anything in me when you’re… you? It rips me open, even just the thought that someone as perfect as you could want someone like me. When I told you ‘no’ my heart broke, but when you told me ‘no’ my heart turned to stone and shattered and vanished.” Pansy took a deep shuddering sigh and stepped closer to Daphne, who froze and looked up at her, so small she had to lean her head back to look Pansy in the eye, “Daphne every time you touch me my heart won’t stop racing. Waking up in your arms on the train was the most wonderful thing in the world. I’d kill a hundred men to be able to live in a world where we got to do that every day. But you were right, we can’t. I could never ask you to be unfaithful to your betrothed, even though I want to. I want you to be unfaithful more than I want air to breathe.”

 

Daphne didn’t respond, the two girls just stood there, inches from each other, slightly swaying.

 

“I’m so sorry, Daphne. I said this wouldn’t come up again. I was trying to be your friend and not say anything about my feelings for you. I fucked that up.”

 

“Shut up, I fucked it up first.”

 

Pansy let out a startled laugh at the swear that fell from Daphne’s lips, and caught herself staring at Daphne’s mouth. Her lips were slightly parted, her full lower lip was a little dry and chapped from the cold, her bowed upper lip a little wet from when she had- oh, she licked her lips again, and Pansy’s eye were drawn to the movement, intoxicated by it.

 

_Oh fuck it._

Neither of them knew who moved first, but suddenly they were wrapped around each other in the middle of the room, each with their hands in each other’s hair, Pansy pulling Daphne’s head back to get at her neck, Daphne pulling Pansy closer to her to feel their whole bodies touch. Every inch of skin contact aflame but still not enough, the girls were desperate to touch each other. They tore at buttons and pushed robes off of shoulders, and while she toed off her socks and shoes Pansy sucked a mark into the pulse point right behind Daphne’s right ear, which caused her to moan. Pansy captured the moan from her mouth and swiped her tongue at the smaller girl’s lips, begging for entry. Their tongues swirled together and their lips moved, hungry and grasping for more.

 

Pansy backed the two of them over to Daphne’s bed, which was closest, and lay her down and climbed on top of her, the two of them down only to their bras and underwear, hands roaming everywhere. Daphne slipped her hands inside Pansy’s bra and gripped her breasts tight, squeezing and tugging at her nipples until Pansy groaned and bucked her hips forward, seeking Daphne’s warmth with her own pulsing need. She could feel herself soaking through her lace underwear and was struck with the need to know if Daphne was just as wet for her. Her hand wandered lower and lower until she dipped her fingers into the white cotton of Daphne’s underwear and found her slit through the soft curls. The direct contact made Daphne scream softly and turn her head into her pillow to muffle the sound, and that show of desire made Pansy’s need even greater.

 

She moved quickly, settling low on the bed and nearly ripping the white cotton that was in her way. Daphne’s beautiful center was right there laid out like a banquet, and Pansy was suddenly very hungry. She swiped her tongue up the whole slit and Daphne shuddered and bucked her hips wildly. Grinning, Pansy held her slim thighs down with her elbows and buried her face in the soaking wet curls, licking and sucking and caressing every inch of her until Daphne came apart with another quiet scream, biting the pillow and grasping the sheets as she rode out the wave of her climax. Pansy smiled and placed a gentle kiss to the inside of Daphne’s thigh, then to her navel, and moved up to her sternum, each nipple, her collarbone, then her perfect lips.

 

Daphne kissed her deeply then with surprising strength flipped them both over so she was straddling the taller girl. She ground down on top of her so their bodies met and Daphne’s wetness was only centimeters from her own and Pansy moaned and gripped Daphne’s hips, grinding up into her.

 

Pansy thought she had never felt anything so wonderful until Daphne’s fingers started working between them, slipping easily into Pansy’s entrance and finding a sweet spot that made her gasp and squirm violently. Daphne’s fingers worked fast, rubbing and circling that spot while sliding in and out of her at such a speed that Pansy was soon toppling over the edge, gasping Daphne’s name and cursing Merlin, Salazar, Circe, and every other famous witch or wizard that came to mind.

 

When she had recovered enough to move a little, she tugged Daphne back down on the mattress with her, covering both of their sweaty bodies with a sheet and holding her tight in her arms.

 

“That was incredible, Pansy.”

 

“Really, really wonderful. I’m only sorry we didn’t do that ages ago.”

 

“Well we’ve done it now, that’s good for me.”

 

Pansy kissed her sweetly, “Good for me, too.” And she drew the curtains and closed her eyes. Tracey and Millicent could sleep out in the corridor for all she cared.


	25. Chapter Twenty Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas comes again with worse news than ever.

CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE

 

 

Pansy had a nightmare that night, but it wasn’t one of her usual nightmares. She had dreamed vividly of Draco’s Marking a hundred times since it had happened the summer before sixth year, but the nightmare she had the first night she slept naked in Daphne’s arms she dreamed of Harry Potter.

 

In her dream she was throwing _Crucios_ at a rate that would have made Bellatrix Lestrange proud, laughing and cheering as she tortured the boy in front of her over and over again, relishing in his pain and knowing the Dark Lord and her parents would be so proud. She threw one final Cruciatus at the boy in front of her and he flipped over on his back and she saw that famous lightening bolt scar on his forehead through the blood and sweat. Then Potter’s eyes shot open and he whispered something to her that she could barely hear, then he screamed which made her scream, and her screaming and thrashing woke her up.

 

Daphne was still there, and she gripped Pansy tight, “It’s alright, Pansy. Hey love, it’s okay, it’s me, I’m here. It was just a nightmare.”

 

Pansy looked through her tears at the beautiful witch naked by her side and sighed, “I’ve seen some really terrible things, Daph. I’ve done some really terrible things too. I don’t know how you could ever want to be with me, knowing even a fraction of what I’ve done and who I am. I’m a monster- I’ve done monstrous things and let worse things happen. I’ve let bad things happen to my friends and to innocent people. I shouldn’t have even touched you let alone kiss you and love you, nothing good can come of it. You should have someone better for you.”

 

“Like your brother?”

 

Pansy inhaled sharply, thinking of her brother’s Dark Mark and how proudly he showed it off. She loved her brother but he was sadistic and cold. She knew he’d never hurt his wife, but she deserved someone pure and good.

 

“See Pansy, I’m destined to be with someone dark, someone darker than they let on. I’m darker than I let on too, you know. It’s not all purity and innocence on my end you know.”

 

“Judging by the way your fingers were moving tonight, I’d say I think I might believe you.”

 

Daphne growled a little and climbed on top of Pansy again, “That’s not all I can do, love. Would you like to test me?”

 

“I really would. I’ll test you on that for as long as you’ll have me.” Pansy gasped as Daphne’s hands and lips wandered lower and lower, “Forever.”

 

Daphne smiled and went to work.

 

 

\---

 

 

Pansy wanted to send Tracey and Millicent flowers and chocolates and expensive gifts for Christmas that year, but she stuck to their traditional gifts of fine chocolates, but this year she did slip a bottle of champagne to each of them in gratitude.

 

Her brother had of course come home for Christmas, and despite feeling guilty that she had been regularly sleeping with his betrothed, Pansy was delighted to see him. He brought good spirits and levity to the Parkinson house, which sorely needed it.

 

“Who are we having over for dinner tonight, Phineas? Mother wouldn’t say.”

 

“Huh, she wouldn’t tell me either. That’s weird, I figured one of us would have gotten it out of her.”

 

Pansy shrugged, “It’s probably the Greengrasses again, and maybe the Zabinis. I know Mother has been missing Elora Zabini’s sordid tales. What husband is she on now?”

 

“Eight I think? It’s hard to keep count. Well, it’s best we get ready now. You know how she gets.”

 

Pansy rolled her eyes and went to get ready. She had another new set of dress robes that her mother had allowed her to purchase when she had been named Head Girl, these robes were a rich plum purple that looked wonderful with a plum lipstick she had purchased just for that occasion. Purple wasn’t a usual Christmas color, but it made her look and feel sexy. And with Daphne coming over with her family she wanted to look as sexy as possible to tease her lover.

 

She waited in the sitting room for the Christmas guests to arrive, and when the bell rang she waited a moment to make a dramatic entrance into the foyer to grab everyone’s attention. She was smiling and strutting but when she turned the corner and grabbed everyone’s eyes, the eyes she had wanted to grab weren’t in the room. Instead she had grabbed the attention of the Lestranges- Bellatrix, her husband Roldolphus, and the eerie Rabastan.

 

“Hello pet, you’ve finally decided to join us.” Bellatrix said in her simpering, sickly sweet voice.

 

“Happy Christmas Pansy darling, come greet our special guests.”

 

Pansy, ever the polite and charming pureblood princess, made her greetings, kissing Bellatrix on both cheeks and receiving kisses on the back of the hand from Rodolphus and Rabastan both, though the latter lingered on her hand for just a second too long. The hair on Pansy’s neck began to stand up, and her legs twitched like she would need to run away at any moment. She was terrified and had a sinking feeling that dinner wasn’t going to be a very fun affair. Again.

 

Perseus poured the drinks for everyone at the table, this time an oak matured mead instead of elf made wine. He raised his glass in a toast and waited for everyone to join him.

 

“To our extremely esteemed guests, the honor of hosting you here in our home is an honor I could never hope to repay. Thank you for coming and sharing this meal with us. Happy Christmas to all.”

 

A murmured chorus of Happy Christmas made its way around the table and Pansy sipped at her mead, letting the honey flavor sit on her tongue for a moment. She took a few bites of her food before her brother could say anything, then pushed the rest around her plate. She wasn’t hungry, and the creepy, overbearing presence of the Lestranges made her appetite essentially non-existent.

 

Her father and Rabastan were whispering at the far end of the table and Pansy couldn’t hear what they were saying but they looked at her one or twice and she felt extremely uneasy. Rabastan had always made her nervous, and after their last meeting around Christmas the year before she was downright terrified of him.

 

Finally near the end of dinner, Perseus stood and addressed the entire table, “Esteemed guests, family, loved ones. I’m so grateful and honored to have you here tonight because we have a wonderful announcement to make. Rabastan Lestrange, one of the great wizards of our time and one with a very close personal relationship with the Dark Lord himself, has made an offer for Pansy’s hand in marriage, and I’ve accepted it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Thanks for making it this far. My updates have been fast and furious to go along with NaNoWriMo and I won! Now that 50k is complete the updates will come less often. But I promise I'll finish 7th year and give these dumb angsty kids an ending. Thanks for coming along on this ride with me!


	26. Chapter Twenty Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The holidays. Something gross, then something grosser.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all thanks for being patient. I know it's been awhile but I haven't forgotten you. I had really bad writer's block but I'm on a roll now so expect to see this completed in the next month or so. Love you!

CHAPTER TWENTY SIX

 

 

Pansy dropped her goblet of mead onto the fine, antique carpet as she got to her feet in shock and alarm.

 

“Sit down, girl,” Posy hissed, pinching her long nails into the softest part of Pansy’s underarm. Pansy didn’t sit, but swayed dangerously, her eyes lost focus and her hearing went fuzzy.

 

“I must be dreaming,” she murmured as she attempted to leave the room, tripping over the train of her robes.

 

“She means that she’s only ever dreamed of such a match,” Posy simpered, a weak smile briefly crossing her features as she looked towards the smiling Rabastan. Pansy looked up at the man her father had chosen for her, and shuddered with horror at the state of his blackened teeth and the smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. She continue to attempt to leave the room before she fainted outright, and luckily her brother saw her plight and took pity.

 

“She needs air, Mother, I’ll help her.” He gripped her upper arm in his vicelike hands and dragged her through the house, out the back doors, and out onto their extensive back lawn. The cold December air pierced Pansy and she came back to her senses.

 

“Finn, what am I going to do?”

 

“What the hell do you mean, Pansy?” He was furiously glaring down at her and shaking her, “You marry the man and do your duty to the family. You do what we all do.”

 

“I can’t marry him Phineas, he’s older than our father and absolutely terrifying!”

 

“This is an enormous honor, set up by the Dark Lord himself, do you honestly think you’re in the position to refuse? You need to grow up.” He gave her one last shake before pushing her away in disgust.

 

Pansy felt tears start to well up in her eyes but refused to let them fall. She was suddenly determined to find a way out of this, but she had no idea where to start.

 

“Fine. I’ll marry him. But only if I can finish school first,” she needed to buy herself some time.

 

“I’m sure that will be fine, I’ll talk to father,” Phineas grinned down at his baby sister, “I’m so proud of you, Pea. You’re going to be so rich and powerful, all of your friends will envy you forever.”

 

Pansy nodded, not trusting her voice, then shivered, “It’s cold, Finn. Let’s go inside.”

 

 

\---

 

 

The next few days flew by in a haze of tea parties and negotiations and conversations that Pansy could barely remember or keep track of. Finally it was New Year’s Eve and she was the first one ready to attend the Malfoy’s gala- all decked out in fine golden robes that draped fashionably over one shoulder leaving the other shoulder bare. She bounced from foot to foot in anticipation, clutching the invitation Portkey like it was a lifeline. When her family was finally ready to leave and they had passed through the Portkey’s whirl of color and sound and awful compressing feeling, Pansy breathed a sigh of relief that turned into a gasp of shock when she saw the Manor.

 

There was no fine dusting of magical snow, no albino peacocks roaming the grounds, no sign of life at all outside. And the inside of the Manor was somber, the music was quiet, and the rooms seemed to almost glow green with the Dark magical energy of the inhabitants. The most notorious and imposing inhabitant of all was standing in the ballroom where Pansy had seen Draco receive his Mark- Lord Voldemort was wearing fine black robes and turned to face her as soon as she entered the room.

 

“Ah, there she is. The little flower, newly engaged and oh so radiant.” Pansy curtsied deeply and kept her eyes on the floor as Voldemort greeted the rest of her family. “Parkinson, come here and discuss with Nott and I the best way to redistribute stolen Dark relics.” Pansy’s father followed the Dark Lord deeper into the room and Pansy found the courage to look up and around.

 

“Not much of a party,” a voice said in her ear, and she jumped but relaxed when she realized it was only Blaise. He was right, the atmosphere of the event was very subdued, and while the usual Pureblood families were all in attendance, the room wasn’t as full of high-ranking Ministry employees and other sycophants as it had been the year before.

 

“I’m gad you’re here, Blaise. Is Daphne here?”

 

“Not yet, as far as I can tell. Theo and Davis and I are in that corner,” he nodded his head toward the corner furthest from the great fireplace and the Dark Lord who commanded the space in front of it. Pansy nodded and followed Blaise to their classmates.

 

“I hear congratulations are in order, Parkinson.” Theo smirked, “I heard my father and mother talking about it like a personal affront, I think they were really hoping you and I would shack up.”

 

“Don’t be crass Nott,” Tracey rolled her eyes, “Sorry he’s old and stuff, but you could do so much worse.”

 

“I’m not really seeing how,” Pansy muttered angrily under her breath as she locked eyes with Rabastan Lestrange from across the room. He slow, creeping smile made her blood run cold and she turned back to her friends, “Please, keep me occupied and dancing and other wise engaged. I don’t want to talk to him tonight, or ever.”

 

“You got it Pans, let’s go find Vince and Greg. They’re always fun at these events.”

 

They found Vince and Greg sneaking out of the kitchens with armfuls of snacks and together they feasted on sweets in a hidden corner under the great staircase in the entrance hall. As the night wore on, the Greengrass family remained missing, and Pansy’s heart sunk lower and lower. She snatched a tray of champagne glasses from a house elf and had drank half of the glasses before any of her friends could get their hands on them.

 

Midnight approached and Pansy was extremely drunk and laughing loudly at something Tracey had said. She was so distracted that she didn’t notice Rabastan approach their little group and slip his arms around her waist until he was pressing his face into her hair, inhaling deeply.

 

“Kiss me at midnight, pretty one.”

 

Pansy stiffened and tried to subtly shake him away, but his fingers dug sharply into her hipbone, holding her in place. The countdown to midnight had started and she had less than a minute to think of something, some excuse or reason to pull away.

 

“Five, four, three-“

 

His face lowered to meet hers and through his open lips she could smell his horrible breath.

 

The stench of his breath plus all of the alcohol in her system on very little food was the recipe for the perfect way to get out of kissing someone.

 

She vomited all over his shoes. 


	27. Chapter Twenty Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We're getting close to the end, things are coming to a head, and the Slytherins are trying to keep it together by sticking together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> About three chapters left, friends. Thanks for sticking around. This is just a little chapter before we get to the final battle, expect two chapters of final battle and an epilogue by the end of the month. Love you all.

CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN

 

 

Pansy’s parents gave her the silent treatment until the day she had to return to Hogwarts, but even worse was the devastated looks her brother would send her from across the room. She felt extremely guilty for upsetting them, but couldn’t bring herself to be too upset that Rabastan Lestrange had called off their engagement. Posy had wept for an entire day while setting fire to all the parchment containing wedding plans, giving the house elves a huge mess of ashes to clean up while she flung herself dramatically over a sofa. Phineas refused to accompany her to King’s Cross for her final return trip to Hogwarts, so Pansy went alone.

 

 _My final trip to Hogwarts._ It was really almost too much to comprehend. She had given seven years of her life and an uncountable amount of her blood, sweat, and tears to that castle. She was honestly ready to move on, especially given that the school year had been more difficult than usual with the Carrows breathing down her neck, but Hogwarts was her home. She had made her best and worst memories there, had fallen in love, had gotten drunk, cried and laughed. Those ancient walls had seen her triumphs and failures and tempered her like iron. This last semester was going to be a difficult one.

 

She had no idea how difficult it truly would get, or the loss that everyone would soon feel.

 

Theo was the first one to find her alone in her compartment near the front of the train, right next to the prefect’s compartment where she had just finished assigning rounds. She wasn’t surprised to find that a significant number of children did not return from the Christmas holidays, their parents choosing to defy Voldemort’s mandatory education law in favor of keeping their children close. Pansy couldn’t blame them, things at Hogwarts were grim, and the first years especially were in a lot of danger.

 

Theo slumped across from Pansy and crossed his arms over his chest, “So my mother is back to thinking that she can arrange for us to be betrothed. Since you messed up so bad with Lestrange she’s convinced that you’ll never find someone else respectable and that your father will add a massive dowry to you. She’s practically giddy with excitement.”

 

“Merlin Theo, it’s not the dark ages! Do people even do dowries anymore?”

 

“Who knows? But my mother is ready to pounce just in case. Just thought you ought to know. Elora Zabini loves you now, too. I know you’re so embarrassed and out of society for a minute, but she’s always been a little out there. She thinks you’re going to grow up to be just like her. So I’d look out for a proposal from Blaise soon.”

 

“Oh fuck me.”

 

“He’s not into that.” Theo teased, winking at her, “At least not with you. You’re not blonde or pointy enough for him.”

 

Pansy rolled her eyes and let her head loll back onto the crimson cushioned seat behind her, “Don’t mention Draco in my presence. I’m furious with him.”

 

“With good reason too, I’d wager.”

 

Pansy nodded and felt tears prick the corners of her eyes. Theo sighed heavily and moved to sit next to her, patting his lap and encouraging her to lie down. She looked at him skeptically before surrendering, curling up on the seat and letting Theo run his fingers through her hair.

 

They sat like that for several minutes until Daphne and Blaise arrived, and Daphne took over for Theo. Pansy let herself cry freely when her best friend and lover started to scratch her scalp and kiss her forehead. They sat in silence for a long while, just commiserating and absorbing the heavy burdens placed on them all. The last ride to Hogwarts wasn’t a pleasant or exciting one, but they all had each other to lean on.

 

\---

 

 

Millicent’s trunk never showed up at the foot of her bed.

 

Tracey cried when she saw the empty space at the four-poster next to her but didn’t seem surprised. She told Pansy that she had sent a few letters over the holiday but hadn’t received a response. Pansy had the distinct, horrible sensation of a heavy weight around her shoulders and in her heart, a burden so terrible that even sharing a bed with Daphne couldn’t relieve it. She woke up every night in cold sweats and shaking, tears drying on her cheeks and nightmares haunting her mind. And every night Daphne would kiss her face and neck until Pansy moaned with pleasure instead of pain. Every night Daphne would dip her clever fingers between Pansy’s legs and bring her relief, if only for a moment. Pansy would return the favor with her fingers or her tongue, and in those precious few minutes every night they were able to forget that the world was crumbling around them.

 

The Hogwarts professors did their best to keep things normal, but with a dwindling student body and the constant healing of injuries and hurts caused by the Carrows, Pansy could tell that McGonagall and the others were wearing thin. She hardly ever saw Snape anymore, he remained locked away in the Headmaster’s office and rarely showed his face. When she did finally did see him, it was nearly curfew and he was wandering the dungeons like ghost, and Pansy stumbled upon him on her way back from the Head’s office where she had been redoing the prefect’s rounds schedule after yet another Hufflepuff prefect had gone missing.

 

“Professor, wait!”

 

Snape turned slowly and looked at Pansy, who took one look at the dark bruise-like circles under his eyes and his thinning face and hair and regretted calling out for him.

 

“Miss Parkinson.” His voice was worn and tired, “Can I help you with something?”

 

“Professor, I-‘ She paused, now that she had his attention she didn’t know what to say to him. She took a deep breath, “I don’t know what to do. Half the students are disappearing, the other half miss their classes because they’re recovering in the hospital wing from torture. I can’t keep order and I know you trusted this to me but I’m failing and I don’t know what to do.”

 

Snape looked her up and down with his trademark penetrating gaze and Pansy shivered. “Miss Parkinson, I assure you that I see that you’re doing the best you can with what you have. Keep going and keep your chin up and your face and emotions clear. You’re the anchor for these kids, especially the young Slytherins. If they see you fall, they’ll all fall.”

 

Pansy’s shoulders fell and she cast her eyes to the floor, “I’m trying sir, it’s becoming almost too much to bear.”

 

“I would not have put you in this position if I didn’t have faith in you, Miss Parkinson.” And to Pansy’s surprise, he swept his cloak aside and gave her a small bow before he turned on his heel and stalked away in a swirl of black fabric, leaving her alone in the cold, dripping dungeon hallway.

 


	28. Chapter Twenty Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The evacuation begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided this is the second to last chapter.

CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT

 

 

 

“Oh Pansy, more! Harder! I’m so close.”

 

Pansy increased the pressure of the flat of her tongue on Daphne’s clit, massaging faster and adding another finger inside her, causing Daphne to cry out and shudder. Daphne’s fingers tangled in Pansy’s soft, short hair and tugged her closer, holding her in place as she rode out a powerful orgasm on Pansy’s tongue.

 

Pansy grinned and pulled away, looking down at the beautiful woman beneath her, flushed with pleasure and breathing hard. It was the first day of May, NEWTS were approaching and Pansy was relieved to see the semester end. Since her conversation with Snape she had doubled her focus on her schoolwork and Head Girl duties. Punishments set by the Carrows had gotten worse, but Pansy tried her hardest to keep the youngest of the remaining students from harm. With only a month left in school, she could see the end and knew she had done her best. She was stressed, thin, and exhausted, but she was getting her NEWTS and sleeping with the woman she loved.

 

Daphne stirred sleepily under Pansy’s loving gaze and open her arms to her. Pansy obliged, climbing into bed and pressing their naked bodies tightly together. Pansy was just about to drift off to sleep when she was startled by loud banging at the door to their room. She shot up and wrapped her emerald dressing gown around herself and went to answer the door. To her surprise, Slughorn was on the other side, breathing heavily and sweating.

 

“Miss Parkinson, all students need to be brought to the Great Hall immediately. This is an emergency.”

 

She grit her teeth and immediately went into action, waking Tracey and Daphne and giving them the task of getting the younger Slytherin girls together. She ran over to the seventh year boys dormitories and knocked loudly until Greg answered.

 

“Get the boys, we’re evacuating to the Great Hall. And send Theo and Blaise to get the younger Slytherin boys. Go together, and don’t lose anyone or leave anyone behind.”

 

She stood in the entrance to the common room counting each child as they evacuated. She was missing one, a third year girl. _Carla_ , her brain supplied, the young half blood girl who had come to her for help in the library the year before. She rushed to the third year girls dorms and threw the door open without knocking.

 

“Carla!”

 

The small girl’s head popped out from under her bed, “Pansy?”

 

“What are you doing? You need to get out!”

 

“I’m scared to go out there, I’ll be safe down here right?”

 

Pansy sighed and knelt by the bed, looking the thirteen year old in the eye, “You’re not going to be safe anywhere if you’re alone. Come with me.”

 

“No one even wants me to.”

 

“I want you to,” and she extended a hand. Carla hesitated for a moment but took her hand and allowed Pansy to lead the way out of the room and up the stairs to the Great Hall. They entered the hall with the Ravenclaws and took their places at the Slytherin table. Pansy sat at the head of the table and surveyed the crowd.

 

The Great Hall was dark and cold, and four house tables were lined with the remaining Hogwarts students in various stages of dress. The ghosts floated around the room, and Professor McGonagall was speaking from the raised platform at the top of the Hall. Behind her stood the rest of the teachers and some adults that Pansy didn’t recognize.

 

"The evacuation will be overseen by Mr. Filch and Madame Pomfrey. Prefects, when I give the word, you will organize your House and take your charges in orderly fashion to the evacuation point.”

 

Ernie Macmillan stood up at the Hufflepuff table and shouted, "And what if we want to stay and fight?"

 

Some of the Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs clapped, and Pansy rolled her eyes at their predictability.

 

"If you are of age, you may stay." said Professor McGonagall.

 

"What about our things?" A Ravenclaw sixth year shouted, "Our trunks, our owls?"

 

"We have no time to collect possessions," said Professor McGonagall, "The important thing is to get you out of here safely."

 

"Where's Professor Snape?" shouted a fourth year Slytherin girl.

 

"He has, to use the common phrase, done a bunk,” replied Professor McGonagall and the other three houses clapped and cheered. A couple of the younger Slytherins started to cry.

 

Pansy’s mouth fell open in shock, where would he have gone? He had left her alone, he had abandoned them all.

 

"We have already placed protection around the castle," Professor McGonagall continued, "but it is unlikely to hold for very long unless we reinforce it. I must ask you, therefore, to move quickly and calmly, and do as your prefects -"

 

But her final words were drowned as the chilling voice of Lord Voldemort pierced the air.

 

"I know that you are preparing to fight. Your efforts are futile. You cannot fight me. I do not want to kill you. I have great respect for the teachers of Hogwarts. I do not want to spill magical blood. Give me Harry Potter and they shall not be harmed. Give me Harry Potter and I shall leave the school untouched. Give me Harry Potter and you will be rewarded. You have until midnight."

 

Pansy’s heart pounded as she looked around the room, _Harry Potter isn’t here_ she thought frantically but then there he was, thin and dirty but taller and older than she remembered. He looked like the hero everyone always claimed he was, and Pansy stared at him for a couple agonizing seconds before finding Daphne’s eyes in the crowd. Daphne was shivering in her white nightgown, hair loose around her shoulders and a love bite peeking out on her collarbone, the love bite Pansy had given her earlier that night, before everything had changed. She felt a surge of love and protectiveness for the beautiful woman. Daphne was holding terrified first year boy to her chest and looked at Pansy with wide, pleading eyes.

 

She knew that she would do anything to protect Daphne and her school, so she stood to her full height, pointed at the Boy-Who-Lived and shouted, "But he's there! Potter's there! Someone grab him!"

 

Potter blinked slowly and tilted his head just a little at her outburst, not in anger or fear, but in understanding. It was as if he expected someone to turn him in, but instead the rest of the school stood and raised their wands at her. The students she had worked all year to protect, the students she had shed blood for, all of them from Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff turned to her, ready to curse her for even suggesting that they save themselves by turning in one impossible to kill boy.

 

"Thank you, Miss Parkinson." said Professor McGonagall, "You will leave the Hall first with Mr. Filch. If the rest of your House could follow."

 

Pansy gaped at the Scottish woman who was looking down at her over her spectacles. McGonagall narrowed her eyes at her before turning away to issue more orders. Pansy shook her head and wiped a tear out of her eye before turning to the younger Slytherins, who were looking to her for instruction. She pointed to Filch and the door and the Slytherin table stood as one and exited the hall. No one stayed behind.

 

They followed Filch with most of Ravenclaw house at their backs to the Headmasters office and the Floo that had been set up to evacuate children back to their homes. Pansy stood by Filch and ushered the students through, assisting the very young ones first. Blaise stopped before her and pulled her tight to his chest in a fierce embrace before disappearing in the green flames. Tracey hugged her too, and Theo shook her hand and winked, which made her laugh a little for the first time in a long while. Daphne was still holding the first year boy, who refused to let her go in his terror. She finally got him to exit through the Floo, but right before she stepped into the fireplace herself she stopped and grabbed Pansy by the waist and kissed her in full view of the line of students behind them. Her lips were cold and chapped but she tasted like heaven, and Pansy drank of her greedily, pouring all of her love and hope into the kiss before Daphne pulled away, a shy smile on her face.

 

“I’ll see you soon. I know it.”

 

The emerald flames whipped around Daphne and swept her away back to her family’s home, leaving Pansy cold.

 

A small cough shook her from her thoughts, and she looked down and found the eyes of little Carla, who was grinning knowingly.

 

“Go home, Carla.” Pansy growled, but there was no malice behind her words.

 

Carla waved cheerily at her as if she was off to Hogsmeade instead of in the middle of an evacuation, and soon she too was gone.


	29. Chapter Twenty Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Battle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a long one, thanks for sticking around. Just an epilogue next, hope you've liked it.

CHAPTER TWENTY NINE

 

 

Pansy didn’t leave.

 

She knew that going back to her parents’ house would be useless. No one would be home. If the Death Eaters were marching on the castle, Pansy’s entire family would be with them. She thought about her brother, tall and fearless, and shuddered. People were going to die tonight, and Pansy refused to sit alone in her dark, cold home and wait for someone to find her. She was going to stay in the castle.

 

She shivered and drew her dressing gown tighter around her body. It was unusually cold for May, so cold that Pansy could see her breath fogging in front of her face. She hurried along the corridors back towards the Great Hall, where she could still hear voices. She peered into the room and saw Potter and his friends still there talking to McGonagall, so she moved on towards the Entrance Hall.

 

Dozens of people she didn’t recognize (and a few she did) were running around the Hall and in and out of the front doors, casting shield charms and barking orders at each other.

 

There was a great shuddering BOOM that shook the very walls of the castle. The room went silent and still, frozen in anticipation.

 

BOOM. Again. Chandeliers and windows rattled furiously.

 

BOOM!

 

On the third, the windows of the Entrance Hall shattered, sending torrents of glass over everyone inside. Pansy shrieked and covered her head with her arms, but had no time to check herself for injuries, for the main doors to the castle has swung open and the battle had begun.

 

A wave of Death Eaters rushed through the door, casting jets of green light in every direction. Several people fell where they stood but the rest were fighting back, casting spells that were taking out their targets, and the ones that missed were bringing down huge chunks of stone from the walls. One landed several yards to Pansy’s right and she scurried to it, taking cover from the blasts.

 

She stayed crouched there, unnoticed in the back of the Hall and watched the mayhem, so distracted by what was happening that she almost didn’t notice three hooded figures sneaking their way around the perimeter of the room. They sneaked past her and ran up the stairs toward the rest of the castle, and as they raced through the door, one of their hoods fell down to reveal a head of shocking white blonde hair.

 

Draco.

 

She raced after them, but they had a good head start. She lost them as she was gasping for breath on the fifth floor. Once she had caught her breath she ran around the fifth floor, checking every room and every nook, even the one that no prefects ever checked where she had once seen Tracey with a seventh year boy’s hand up her shirt. She ran up to the sixth floor and checked there, up and down the hallway where she used to sit and listen to the wind when she needed to be alone. Before she had made up with Daphne. Before Draco had left them. Before Dumbledore had died, before she had been made Head Girl, before… It seemed like a lifetime ago.

 

She finished her search of the sixth floor, ignoring the shouts and screams from below and finally found Draco on the seventh floor, clutching Greg Goyle of all people and crying. They both were crying. The air was filled with smoke and smelled like burnt carpet.

 

“Draco! Greg! What are you doing here? What’s going on?” She collapsed at their sides and swept the sweaty hair from Draco’s brow.

 

“Pansy, why are you still in the castle? You need to leave now.” Draco gasped through his tears. Greg coughed violently and laid down with a hand over his bloodshot eyes.

 

“What happened?” Pansy remembered that she had been chasing three of them, “Was Vince with you? Where is he?”

 

Draco shook his head and blinked rapidly, “Vince is gone. Stupid prat cast Fiendfyre in the Room of Requirement and nearly killed us all. We wouldn’t have made it out except…”

 

“Except Potter, Granger, and Weasley saved us.” Greg finished with a sigh.

 

Pansy sat back on her heels and rubbed her eyes, trying not to cry. Vince was gone, the battle was raging, and everyone was in danger, “We have to leave. We can go out of the Floo in McGonagall’s office, it might still be open.”

 

“I can’t leave, Pansy, my family is here.”

 

“Mine too,” grunted Greg.

 

“So is mine, but this isn’t our fight. We’re only seventeen, Draco!” She took him by the shoulders, shaking him a little, “We don’t have to fight our parents’ war.”

 

Draco shook his head and pulled away, “You go home Pansy. I took the Mark. I have to stay.”

 

“Me too,” Greg stuck his arm in the air and pulled the sleeve of his robe back. Pansy flinched at the sight of the angry black skull on his forearm.

 

“Just… just stay safe alright?”

 

The two boys nodded, and Greg sat up to pull Pansy into a tight hug. She hugged back, pressing her cheek into his broad, warm shoulder and looking Draco in the eye.

 

“I’m sorry Pansy. I’m sorry about everything. You were right, you’ve always been right. If we make it through this, I’ll never question or doubt you again.”

 

“You’re damn right, Draco.” Pansy blinked back tears as she leaned forward to kiss his cheek.

 

Draco and Greg stood and pulled up the hoods of their robes, their masks having been lost a long time ago. They nodded at each other and took off at a run down the stairs, back towards the battle, and away from Pansy.

 

 

\---

 

 

Pansy didn’t go back down to the battle. She didn’t Floo back to her home. She didn’t stay on the seventh floor either. She went up to the Astronomy tower to get a bird’s eye view over the grounds. Parts of the Forbidden Forest were on fire. Dementors swarmed over the crowd outside of the front doors, which explained why it was so cold. Acromantulas skittered over piles of bodies and giants swung their clubs indiscriminately at people’s heads. Green and red lights flashed, screams were cut short, and the sky was growing lighter.

 

And just as before, Voldemort’s voice echoed over the grounds, chilling her blood and causing her to collapse.

_You have fought valiantly. Lord Voldemort knows how to value bravery. Yet you have sustained heavy losses. If you continue to resist me, you will all die, one by one. I do not wish this to happen. Every drop of magical blood spilled is a loss and a waste. Lord Voldemort is merciful. I command my forces to retreat immediately. You have one hour. Dispose of your dead with dignity. Treat your injured. I speak now, Harry Potter, directly to you. You have permitted your friends to die for you rather than face me yourself. I shall wait for one hour in the Forbidden Forest. If, at the end of that hour, you have not come to me, have not given yourself up, then battle recommences. This time, I shall enter the fray myself, Harry Potter, and I shall find you, and I shall punish every last man, woman, and child who has tried to conceal you from me. One hour._

 

Pansy stood slowly, shaking with fear. She knew what she had to do. She needed to pick a side for herself. She had allowed her family and her infatuation with Draco to dictate how she acted for years, and now…

 

Now she wanted to help.

 

She ran back down to the Great Hall where she figured the injured and dead had been taken. At each floor her resolve steeled.

She had starved herself nearly to death to make her mother happy with her.

Another staircase.

She had agreed to marry a man twice her age to make her father proud.

Another staircase.

She had willingly brought more people to Voldemort’s side, people willing to kill innocents.

 

She stumbled at the bottom of the castle's main staircase, tripping over chunks of rubble and gasping at the sight of crimson blood staining the marble floors. Huge holes had been torn out of the walls, portraits were slashed and burned, and the enormous wooden doors that led to the Great Hall were off their hinges. Pansy stepped on the doors to let herself into the hall.

 

The room smelled of blood and sweat, the sounds of sobbing echoed through the star covered ceiling. Pansy looked around and to her surprise, Tracey Davis was helping Madame Pomfrey tend to a handful of people who had what looked like slicing hex injuries. She rushed to Tracey’s side.

 

“How can I help? Please let me help.”

 

Tracey turned her tired eyes to Pansy’s face and smiled weakly, “Hey Parkinson. Welcome to the good guys. We’re losing, can’t you tell?” She gestured around. Pansy saw the Weasley family huddled around a body on the ground, hair as red as the rest of them. She saw Lavender Brown at the end of a line of bodies, her throat ripped away. Further down the line was their old DADA Professor, the werewolf, and an Auror she recognized from Hogsmeade patrols.

 

She turned back to Tracey, who had her tongue trapped between her teeth in concentration as she used her wand to stitch up a gash in someone’s arm. “Teach me how to do that.”

 

“No time. Just start conjuring and transfiguring gauze or bandages or anything that can be used to stop bleeding.” Pansy turned to look around, but Tracey’s hand on her arm pulled her back, “Thanks, Pansy. I knew you wouldn’t abandon the school.”

 

Pansy smiled and started ripping up the bottom few inches of her dressing gown to turn into bandages. She fell into a rhythm with Tracey, and while some of the students in her year flinched when they saw the two Slytherins, no one rejected their help.

 

An hour later, as the ceiling of the Great Hall started to show the beginnings of a beautiful sunrise, Voldemort’s voice echoed through the air once again.

 

_Harry Potter is dead. He was killed as he ran away, trying to save himself while you lay down your lives for him. We bring you his body as proof that your hero is gone. The battle is won. You have lost half of your fighters. My Death Eaters outnumber you, and the Boy Who Lived is finished. There must be no more war. Anyone who continues to resist, man, woman, or child, will be slaughtered, as will every member of their family. Come out of the castle now, kneel before me, and you shall be spared. Your parents and children, your brothers and sisters will live and be forgiven, and you will join me in the new world we shall build together._

 

Screams pierced the air and Pansy dropped the last of the bandages in horror. She and Tracey clutched at each other, shaking.

 

“Shit, we picked the wrong side.”

 

“We’ll be alright. Our families will forgive us. We just have to stay near the back of the crowd. Please, stay with me.”

 

Tracey grabbed Pansy’s hand, “Of course.”

 

The crowd in the Great Hall began to file out toward the Entrance Hall and out the front doors, desperate to see Harry’s body, to see for themselves if what the Dark Lord was saying was true. The Great Hall slowly emptied, leaving Pansy and Tracey with the dead and the gravely injured.

 

The two Slytherin girls made their way to the furthest corner of the room and sank to the floor, clutching each other’s hands and breathing heavily. There was no sound from outside, nothing to indicate what was happening.

 

Suddenly, screams and shouts erupted and people started pouring back in to the room. Duels broke out, Pansy could see Granger and the youngest Weasley girl going wand to wand with Bellatrix Lestrange, then the Weasley matriarch stepped in and struck the Dark Lord’s formidable right hand witch down. The tide of the battle was turning, and Pansy and Tracey were trapped in a corner, cowering for their lives.

 

“Harry!”

 

“HARRY!”

 

“He’s alive!”

 

And then there was Potter. He stood, very much alive, in the dead center of the room, his wand trained at the Dark Lord, who was paler and thinner than Pansy had ever seen him. Dangerous energy radiated off the two of them, and as they circled each other, the crowd of people went quiet and moved to the edges of the Hall, pressing Tracey and Pansy further into their corner. They stood to try to get a better look. They couldn’t hear much, but they caught snippets of the story that Potter was laying out for everyone.

 

"There are no more Horcruxes. It's just you and me now, Riddle. Neither can live while the other survives, and one of us is about to leave for good."

 

"One of us? You think it will be you, do you, the boy who has survived by accident, and because Dumbledore was pulling the strings?”

 

The two kept circling, and Pansy strained to hear what was going on. Then she heard words that made her heart stop.

 

“-I killed Severus Snape three hours ago.”

 

She gasped, her free hand flying to her face, and Tracey’s hand squeezed hers tight.

 

Then there was a flash of red, a flash of green, and a blinding golden light, and when the light had faded, Voldemort’s body lay still, small, and dead under a patch of streaming sunlight. It was day, and the Dark Lord had been defeated.


	30. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, here it is. This is the end of my first ever full-length fic. Took longer than I thought. I really hope you like it. If you have any requests, missing scenes, a sequel, a character study, whatever, comment and I'll consider it. I love you just for even getting this far into my angsty BS. <3

EPILOGUE

 

The weeks and months that followed were very much a blur for Pansy.

 

She had been arrested almost as soon as Voldemort’s body had hit the ground. She was recognizable, from a prominent Death Eater family, and despite Tracey’s shouts of protest, she had been dragged away by the Aurors in the aftermath of the battle. She had been seen trying to turn Potter in by dozens of students, and it was only the testimony of Anthony Goldstein, the Ravenclaw prefect she had called a truce with at the beginning of the school year, and Neville Longbottom of all people, that kept her from Azkaban.

 

Anthony told the Aurors at her trial that she had been healing people during the final battle, and Neville spoke to her conduct as Head Girl, that despite torturing him when she was ordered to, she had done her best to keep the younger students safe all year. She only had to spend three months on house arrest and mandatory Muggle sensitivity training, which suited her just fine.

 

Her parents were sent to Azkaban immediately, and for life. They had been caught on the battlefield with an _Avada_ showing in their wands after a _Priori Incantatem_ and Dark Marks proudly on display _._

Her brother wasn’t so lucky. He was caught a week after the battle in a Death Eater safe house and resisted arrest. He was killed among his friends, and when Pansy was called to identify the body, she screamed and cried so hard she had to be bound and silenced before they sent her back to her house. Her huge, cold, empty house. She was the last Parkinson, responsible for the elves, the estate, the fines, the reparations, and the funeral planning.

 

After her house arrest was over she was allowed to send and receive mail. She had a backlog of letters from her friends, a mountain of parchment that appeared the day her wand was returned to her.

 

Tracey had been accepted to Healer training at St. Mungo’s after Pomfrey had given her a glowing recommendation. Theo’s father was killed in battle but since Theo himself never made an appearance at the final battle he was free. Greg spent a month in Azkaban alongside the Malfoys, who apparently talked (or bribed) their way into shorter sentences. Blaise and his mother were in Italy, with no plans to return. They hadn’t been Death Eaters, but their reputation was ruined in the United Kingdom.

 

Daphne had written to her every day of her house arrest, detailing plans and ideas for what they would do when they were free. Her parents also only had to serve house arrest, as they too had sat out the final battle. Apparently they had seen the Dark Lord’s ever failing health and decreasing sanity and had chosen to remain neutral at the end. The Greengrass family was unscathed and happy. Pansy smiled at that.

 

The strangest bit of mail she had in her pile was a Muggle postcard, complete with a Muggle stamp. It was a beautiful picture of California, USA, and had no note and no return address, just the initials M+E. Pansy smiled and wiped tears out of her eyes, setting the postcard aside to save for a long while.

 

A house elf appeared in front of her, startling her out of her reverie, “Mistress, there is a visitor at the door.”

 

Pansy got to her feet, smoothed out her hair, and raced to the door, expecting Daphne. What she found instead was Harry-freaking-Potter himself in her foyer.

 

“Oh, it’s you.”

 

“Yeah it’s, er… me.” He ran his hand through the mop on his head, and Pansy blinked, suddenly remembering her manners.

 

“Please, come in. Do you want tea?”

 

“No I just came for a moment. I wanted to talk to you. About that night.”

 

“Potter, I’m sorry-“

 

“No, don’t apologize. I wanted to tell you that I understand. I saw your face, you looked terrified. And I know your whole family was involved. And to be honest, I was talking to Daphne the other day.”

 

“You talked to Daphne?”

 

“Yes, she came to me actually. I’ve gotten a lot of visitors from Slytherin House over the last three months. Most asking for favors, some for forgiveness. She’s the only one who came on someone else’s behalf. She told me her account of that night, about how you were trying to protect her. She told me you were – are – together. And I understand. I mean, if it was Ginny, I would have done anything to protect her too. So I’m here to congratulate you on finishing your house arrest and to shake your hand and say no hard feelings.”

 

And sure enough, he stuck his hand out. She looked at him for a moment before shaking his hand. His eyes really were the beautiful green everyone always said they were, and Pansy regretted never really looking at him before. He smiled a crooked grin at her.

 

“Well now that that is done, I’ve got a lot to do. Chosen One stuff, I’ve been calling it. Ginny says that I’m being ridiculous but it makes Ron laugh. Anyways, Pansy, if you’re around London and need anything, I’m usually at the Ministry these days. I’m trying to mend bridges and all, there’s been enough fighting to last a lifetime. You enjoy your freedom.” And to Pansy’s utter surprise, he _winked_ at her before spinning on his heel and walking out the door, leaving it open behind him.

 

Pansy stood in shock staring after him. Then she shook her head and muttered, “Can’t even close the door behind him, what was he raised in a cupboard?”

 

As she went to close the door, she looked up and smiled. Down at the end of the walk, by the iron gates and the Apparition point, was Daphne. She was hugging Potter and laughing, and when Potter left with a pop, she turned and looked Pansy in the eye. The two young women smiled and wiped a tear from their eyes before rushing toward each other.

 

All was well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's all she wrote. Thank you so much for doing this with me.

**Author's Note:**

> literally2literary.tumblr.com  
> nanowrimo: literallyliterary
> 
> be my friend thx


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